


The Knight's Duty

by QuillScratch



Category: Homestuck, The Homestuck Epilogues - Fandom
Genre: Control, Doomed Timelines, Epilogues Spoilers?, Gen, Insomnia, Meta, Minor Themes of Abuse, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-21
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-22 06:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 50,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30034479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuillScratch/pseuds/QuillScratch
Summary: When Dave Strider stepped through the door into his new universe, he was more than ready to spend his newfound eternity hanging out with his friends, writing some sicknasty raps, and never thinking about the Game again. But now, a few years into his time on Earth C, he finds himself unable to let go of the things that he's left behind, and it's really starting to get on his nerves.Plagued by nightmares of a demon wreathed in clockwork majyyks, Dave is determined to move on from Sburb once and for all and stop worrying about a destiny he's done his damnedest to fulfill. He just needs to find some way to convince himself he really is done, that's all.And what exactly is this "canon" thing that Rose and Dirk won't shut up about, anyway?
Relationships: Background Dirk Strider/Jake English - Relationship, Dave Strider & Dirk Strider, Dave Strider & Karkat Vantas, Dave Strider & Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, background rose lalonde/kanaya maryam
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. Foreword

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cloudsjam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsjam/gifts).



# The Knight's Duty

or

##  WHEREIN A KNIGHT OF TIME  
CONFRONTS THE META-NARRATIVE  
NATURE OF TEXT AND FINDS THE WHOLE  
CONCEPT SOMEWHAT BIZARRE; MULTIPLE  
PEOPLE ASSUME THAT HE IS IN A FLUSHED  
RELATIONSHIP DESPITE HIS MANY REFUTATIONS;  
A FOREST IN AUSTRALIA IS EXPLORED AND NUMEROUS  
WILD BEASTS OVERCOME; TWO CHARACTERS WHO ARE  
ECTO-BIOLOGICALLY RELATED ARE BOTH INTOLERABLY  
SMUG EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY APPEAR ON THE PAGE; A  
BELOVED CHARACTER’S ASS IS ON TELEVISION MUCH TO HIS CHAGRIN  
(BUT SECRETLY HE LIKES THE ATTENTION); EVERYONE THINKS THAT  
INTELLIBEAM LASERSTATIONS ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID AND A WASTE OF BOTH GRIST AND SPACE; A  
VAINGLORIOUS SPOTLIGHT-HOG BRIEFLY APPEARS AND IS SUMMARILY DISMISSED; AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT  
OF DESCRIPTION IS SPENT ON SUNSETS DESPITE THEIR TOTAL LACK OF RELEVANCE TO THE PLOT; SOMEHOW QUILL WROTE AN ENTIRE FANFIC WITHOUT DIRECTLY  
INCLUDING NEPETA WHICH DEMONSTRATES A STUNNING AMOUNT OF RESTRAINT; TOO MANY HUMAN BORTHDAYS; (AT LEAST ONE OF WHICH IS HAPPY); A FANCY PARTY IS ATTENDED AND MOSTLY ENJOYED; … 

**Don't skip this!** This fanfic has some _context_ , without which it probably won't make a lick of sense. Normally, I'm not the sort of person who would want to take up an entire chapter with this kind of thing, but I don't want people going in with the wrong expectations and I know I don't always read authors notes. So, uh, sorry? I'll keep it brief!

I wrote this story for my friend cloudsjam's birthday. She got me into Homestuck last year as a way to get through lockdown, and is a huge, huge fan of the Strider boys, so I figured it'd be nice to write a Strider-heavy fic. Unfortunately, because the internet is a cursed and horrible place, while reading some Homestuck fanfic I stumbled my way into a few Epilogues spoilers—enough to make me not really want to read the Epilogues _immediately_ , but also enough to give me a sense of the themes and ideas behind them. These intrigued me. I _adore_ metafiction, and when I learned that the Epilogues were at their core going to be about the relationship between canon and non-canon, and that they were _formatted like an AO3 fic_ , I knew two things: firstly, I am probably going to geek out like crazy when I read them; and secondly, _I wanted to have a go at that first_.

So this fic is my take on the themes and ideas I've seen in Epilogues spoilers. I've written it all up and I'm getting it posted now before reading the Epilogues, because I'm a little bit worried that if I read the Epilogues first I would have given up entirely (I am sure they probably deal with these themes much better than I have!) That said, having shared this with friends who _have_ read the Epilogues, they've recommended tagging this accordingly: I've seen enough stuff that this fic could reasonably spoil someone on the Epilogues (at least for the things I'm already spoiled on!) even though I haven't read them myself at the time of posting. So, please, **if you haven't read the Homestuck Epilogues, turn back now**.

Also, as a quick and fun aside, I actually had the first draft of this fic printed as my friend's birthday present! I commissioned [Amy](https://twitter.com/eimeebruckz) to draw the cover and figured I would share that here. Enjoy, and thanks for reading!


	2. Prologue

DAVE: kinda like indiana jones but if he was shoutier and also a troll who was super into romance novels  
DAVE: did you guys have a troll indiana jones because i reckon that would be dope

The Brooding Caverns are vast and deep underground, and the path down to them is through a treacherous sequence of tunnels. Kanaya spent months searching for this place, even with the assistance of Rose’s visions, and another month preparing everything for their departure. It is a labyrinthine network of caves that span nearly a hundred miles at their widest point, both challenging to find and to reach and sufficiently large. There aren’t many places on Earth that would do as a home for a Mother Gub—after all, this isn’t exactly their natural habitat.

Dave ducks around a stalactite, following just behind Karkat. His friend is reading the map by flashlight as they go, stopping and starting as they try to make their way forward. The invitation to come and watch the birth of a new virgin grub is of course an honour (Dave knows that only Kanaya’s closest friends have been invited, to maintain the secrecy of the caverns, presumably in case anyone decides to go on a genocidal rampage at some point in the next few thousand years), but frankly Dave wishes they could have taken an easier route in. Haven’t they set up a transportalizer or something yet?

In the quiet of the tunnels, Dave continues to try and strike up a conversation about Karkat’s rugged explorer look.

DAVE: damn this is a major crime against culture we need to fix this stat  
DAVE: hey do you reckon we can convince the new trolls to keep up the habit of making the same things humans do but kinda fucked up and with shitty long titles  
DAVE: and also have humans make the same things trolls do but kinda fucked up and with shitty short titles  
DAVE: i think that could be a really sweet part of earth c culture that we could get started on by making troll indiana jones  
KARKAT: DAVE COULD YOU BE QUIET FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE, I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY TO GO AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE WITH YOU RAMBLING ABOUT SOME GUY FROM INDIANA.  
DAVE: (shit)  
DAVE: (sorry)

Karkat frowns at the map some more, before picking a tunnel and squeezing into it. Dave floats a little off the floor and floats horizontally behind him at the widest part of the tunnel.

DAVE: so whys kanaya doing all this again  
DAVE: like i get that it needs doing but we have a whole bunch of ecto-clones and chessmen getting all the other work done  
KARKAT: I THINK SHE JUST WANTS TO MAKE SURE IT’S ALL DONE RIGHT. NOT THAT ANY OF US REALLY HAVE A CLUE HOW THIS SHOULD BE DONE, BUT SHE KINDA GETS THE ROLE BECAUSE SHE’S A JADEBLOOD.  
KARKAT: JUST SKIPPING OUT ON THIS SORT OF THING ISN’T REALLY KANAYA’S STYLE, IS IT?  
DAVE: heh true  
DAVE: still seems weird to me but im not gonna judge  
DAVE: if she wants to see this through then im not exactly gonna stop her or anything  
KARKAT: I’M SURE SHE’LL BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR UNENDING GRACE AND MERCY.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY, IT SHOULD JUST BE ROUND THIS CORNER–

Karkat presses himself up against the wall to fit through a narrow stretch, and disappears around a bend. Dave tentatively pushes forward, turning his head to get a better look at what’s going on, and finds Karkat hopping as he tries to free one foot from a too-narrow slit of rock. Dave carefully and gently helps him free himself, before floating out into the cavern and staring in amazement.

The central cavern is _huge_ —almost citylike in scale, with what appears to be a small administrative building (a hive? is that what hives were?) off to one side. It is well-lit, compared to the tunnels, with hundreds of bright lanterns hooked around, and Kanaya’s unmistakable glow lighting the centre of the space, where she is standing with a huddle of trolls. A little way off to the side, Dave spies Rose standing with the other guests; he grabs Karkat’s arm and drags him over toward the crowd.

It is a small, intimate gathering. Kanaya has invited all of the surviving trolls from their session: even Sollux and Aradia, who he’d last heard were gallivanting out in the farthest reaches of the dream bubbles, have shown up. It’s Aradia who greets them as they approach, grinning with enthusiasm.

ARADIA: hello karkat!  
ARADIA: and dave too :D  
DAVE: sup  
DAVE: is it just me or are these tunnels really fuckin difficult to navigate  
DAVE: like i know were trying to keep this location on the downlow and all that but this kinda felt like overkill to me  
ROSE: I wouldn’t know. The rest of us came down that ladder over there.  
ROSE: Are you sure you didn’t get lost?  
KARKAT: I WASN’T LOST, IT WAS THE STUPID MAP’S FAULT FOR BEING WRONG.  
KARKAT: I STILL MANAGED TO GET US HERE DESPITE THE MARKED ROUTE NOT BEING VIABLE SO I THINK THAT, ACTUALLY, I DID A BETTER JOB GETTING HERE THAN THE REST OF YOU.  
SOLLUX: l0l  
SOLLUX: never change, KK.  
DAVE: dude why didnt you say anything  
KARKAT: I HAVE SEEN YOU TRYING TO READ MAPS, DAVE, AND FRANKLY I WOULD RATHER BE LOST.  
DAVE: rude but also kinda fair  
DAVE: im a time player i dont do spatial reasoning  
TEREZI: SO NOW K4RK4T H4S D3C1D3D TO SHOW UP, WH3N 4R3 W3 G3TT1NG TH1S SHOW ST4RT3D??  
ROSE: I believe we’re still waiting on two more guests, but Kanaya is running through the final briefing with her assistants right now.  
ROSE: Hopefully this will all get underway shortly.  
ROSE: Ah, look, here they come.

Two figures descend the ladder, a few hundred or so feet away from where the crowd have gathered, but even at this distance it’s easy enough to recognise the deep green of Calliope’s suit. Dave presumes the figure floating down alongside her is Roxy—the two are about as inseparable as he and Karkat are.

ROXY: see callie i told u we hadnt missed anything  
CALLIOPE: i know, i know.  
CALLIOPE: i’m sorry everyone, i was rUnning a tad late this morning and lost track of time!  
CALLIOPE: thankfUlly roxy was kind enough to pick me Up on her way.  
ROXY: lmao silly i wasnt gonna show up without u  
ROXY: i hope u guys didnt wait 4 us or anything  
DAVE: nah youre good  
ROSE: Yes, Dave and Karkat have only just arrived as well, and, as I was saying, Kanaya isn’t quite ready yet.  
ROSE: As I understand it, this is a process that is usually induced, so we would have to wait for her anyway before starting.  
ARADIA: its fine im just excited to be here at all  
ARADIA: this is probably the first time in history that non-jadeblood trolls get to watch a mother grub hatch  
ARADIA: so we can wait a little longer :)  
CALLIOPE: i’m jUst honoUred that kanaya thoUght i shoUld come and see this historic occasion.  
CALLIOPE: i have always foUnd troll heritage fascinating and now i get to be a part of it!  
TEREZI: 1T’S 4 SH4M3 VR1SK4 COULDN’T B3 H3R3  
TEREZI: SH3 PROB4BLY WOULDN’T B3 4LL TH4T 1NT3R3ST3D BUT SH3 H4T3S M1SS1NG OUT ON 1MPORT4NT OCC4S1ONS >:[  
ROSE: We did send her an invitation but I don’t think the message ever arrived. I’m glad you were able to make it back at least, Terezi.  
SOLLUX: yeah, glad y0u made it TZ  
TEREZI: TH4NKS

Kanaya approaches the group, her steps light and effortless as gliding as she strides across the cavern floor, her skin glowing radiantly. But to Dave, who has known her for long enough to spot it, she looks _awful_ —stressed, a grimace pulling her lips taut and baring her fangs, her shoulders held up not in her graceful posture but tight and tense. She stops a little way from the crowd and addresses them.

KANAYA: Hello Everyone  
KANAYA: Thank You For Making It Down Here I Know That It Isnt The Easiest Journey  
KANAYA: We Are About To Begin Inducing The Hatching Of The New Mother Grub Which Is Quite A Delicate Process  
KANAYA: Rose Is Well Informed On The Matter And Will Be Able To Provide Quiet Commentary If Necessary But My Team And I Must Maintain Considerable Focus So We Would Prefer It If You Could Keep The Noise To A Minimum  
TEREZI: W3 C4N C4TCH UP ON THE 3XPL4N4TION L4T3R K4N4Y4  
TEREZI: YOU DO WH4T YOU N33D TO DO  
KANAYA: Thank You Terezi

And with a sweeping motion, Kanaya strides back to her team. All attention turns to the matriorb in the centre of the cavern: it has grown to almost four times its size since Roxy summoned it, and it wobbles slightly in place. Between its prongs, bulbous sacs of fluid have grown like bubbles across its surface, pulsating, the shadows of the young virgin grub inside flitting in and out of view as the membrane shifts. The jadebloods are poised by two trolleys of medical equipment nearby, ready to spring into action.

For just a moment, it feels as if everything else in the brooding cavern has stilled completely, even the air itself. Then, with a soft pop, one of the bubbles bursts, a splurt of fluid splashing onto the ground. The brooding team starts to move, but Kanaya raises a hand, as if to say Wait. Not Yet.

Three more bubbles burst before Kanaya lowers her hand, and the jadebloods set to work with a practiced ease. Dave stretches up on his tip-toes to get a better view—beside him, Karkat stares at the crowd, frozen in place, a little overwhelmed. The workers surround the orb completely, though, and until it is done they only see glimpses of white flesh and green fluids.

And then, just as suddenly, the workers step back, and there in the middle of the brooding cavern is a freshly hatched virgin grub.

DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: (YEAH)  


Dave turns to look at Karkat, who is staring at the centre of the cavern in wonder, his eyes wide and his mouth agape. He looks shocked, as if he hadn’t come here with the express purpose of seeing exactly this, or as if some small part of him hadn’t been able to believe that Kanaya’s plan would ever come to fruition. Which given all that Karkat has survived, Dave supposes, probably isn’t that unreasonable.

Karkat’s face has always been expressive, even if he tends towards only expressing anger and disgust. It’s one of the things Dave likes the most about his friend—the way that he wears his heart so plainly on his sleeve, even as he clings to a boundless cynicism.

Right now, Karkat looks as if he’s seen a miracle.

KANAYA: Well It Certainly Seems Like We Have Succeeded  
KANAYA: Against Insurmountable Odds I Might Add  
KANAYA: We Have All Done Our Duties And Uh  
KANAYA: Um  
KANAYA: Im Sorry I Had Hoped To Manage A Rousing Speech Befitting Such A Momentous Achievement  
KANAYA: But I Am Actually Just Exhausted And Would Like To Rest  
KANAYA: You Have All Done An Excellent Job

Kanaya addresses her team quietly, but nobody else in the small crowd seems to want to speak. Her voice echoes through the cavern. Dave shuffles awkwardly on the spot, not quite sure he should be listening to this. After a moment, Kanaya turns to the small collection of friends who are standing and watching.

KANAYA: Thank You All For Attending This Moment  
KANAYA: I Admit That The Last Few Months Have Been Exhausting For Me Personally And That Several Of You Have Found Them Tedious  
KANAYA: That You Were Willing To Wait With Us And Attend Regardless Means A Lot To Me Personally  
KANAYA: I Had Not Planned Any Kind Of After Party And I Do Not Think That I Should Host Such An Event While Sleep Deprived And Covered In Viscera But If You Would Like To Stay For A While You Are More Than Welcome  
KANAYA: There Is Plenty Of Space Within The Brooding Dormitories For You All And Plenty Of Food And Drink Should You Fancy Some Refreshment  
KANAYA: Dave Am I Right In Thinking That You Will Be Escorting Those Of Us Who Are Remaining In This Universe To The Future Tomorrow  
DAVE: you make it sound like im your chaperone or something  
DAVE: like were going on fancy time travelling adventures to the future but someones gotta keep an eye on those kids you know?  
DAVE: dont want anyone sneaking off for sloppy makeouts while riding the strider express cuz this is a serious educational trip  
DAVE: frankly there is nobody in our friendship group who is better equipped to take on the role of responsible adult than me and im glad you recognise this key fact kanaya  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: but yeah thats the plan  
KANAYA: In That Case I Hope You Will All Excuse Me If I Get Some Rest As We Have A Very Long Day Ahead Of Us  
KANAYA: And By That I Mean A Day That Is Roughly Five Thousand Years Long

Rose glares at the small crowd of friends, who all immediately nod sharply in agreement, offering nauseatingly placating sentiments.

TEREZI: F1N3 BY M3 M4RY4M  
TEREZI: YOU’V3 34RN3D 1T  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse! and thank yoU so mUch for inviting Us, this has been a fascinating experience.  
ROXY: im just glad that egg got put 2 good use lol  
ROXY: go get urself some sleeps girl  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JUST LET HER GO SLEEP ALREADY, YOUR SIMPERING IS JUST KEEPING HER HERE LONGER AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE’S BARELY KEEPING STANDING AS IS.  
KARKAT: NO OFFENSE KANAYA, BUT HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU’VE SLEPT? YOU LOOK WORSE THAN I DID DURING OUR SESSION.  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STANDING HERE LISTENING TO ME SHOUT AT YOU?

Dave smirks as Karkat practically waves Kanaya toward the brooding dormitories, hanging back and watching as the crowd begins to filter away. A tap on his shoulder distracts him and he looks up to see Aradia’s grinning face.

ARADIA: :D  
DAVE: sup  
ARADIA: so youre taking everyone to the future soon?  
DAVE: yeah thats the plan  
DAVE: i take it youre not coming with us  
DAVE: what exactly is your plan anyway  
ARADIA: were going exploring :)  
ARADIA: well me and sollux are anyway  
ARADIA: we spent a while watching the dream bubbles blowing up but theres not much left of them  
ARADIA: so i wanted to come and explore a whole new universe instead and see what i could find :D  
DAVE: sounds sweet  
ARADIA: it should be!  
ARADIA: its been a while since ive done any time travel which is why i was asking  
ARADIA: someone took my music boxes and i havent had the time to alchemize some new ones  
DAVE: damn you should do that before you go  
DAVE: cant be having a time player without music themed time machines  
DAVE: thats just wrong  
ARADIA: i guess not :O

The crowd has moved on without them. Dave glances over at the two jadebloods who have stayed behind to begin the long process of cleaning up, before casually starting toward the hive. Aradia floats alongside him, humming contentedly to herself.

DAVE: so do you two just explore these days or do you have like some kind of agenda  
ARADIA: mostly just exploring yeah  
ARADIA: i wanted to see if we could find anything interesting out in this new universe  
ARADIA: itd be awesome to find a black hole or something like that :)  
DAVE: that honestly sounds sweet  
DAVE: i mean the whole chilling and exploring for the sake of it thing but obviously the black hole thing is dope as fuck too  
DAVE: but yeah im looking forward to being able to kick back and not care about all the game stuff  
ARADIA: ive found it incredibly invigorating!  
DAVE: no kidding  
DAVE: no offense but you just seem permanently excited by everything  
ARADIA: being alive tends to do that for me yes :)  
ARADIA: i hope you get to relax after the jump though  
ARADIA: all of us have been through a lot and i think everyone deserves it  
DAVE: haha yeah  
DAVE: honestly i might take a leaf out of your book and go exploring this planet and see whats out there  
ARADIA: :D  
DAVE: it sounds pretty fun and i think some of my friends would be up for it  
DAVE: thanks for the idea  
ARADIA: youre welcome :)

Dave carefully opens the hive door. Inside, his friends have crowded around a table. He spots Roxy and Rose deep in conversation, Roxy’s wide grin matched by Rose’s knowing smile; across the table, Karkat has got into a conversation (or, more likely, an argument) with Sollux as Terezi cackles with laughter at the two of them. Dave steps to one side to let Aradia pass, before stepping inside behind her, the warmth and noise washing over him and washing the chill air of the caverns from his bones.

For the first time since they arrived on Earth C, Dave feels like he’s come home.


	3. 1

The sun is hanging low in the sky, almost lazily hovering over the horizon, painting the world in reds and oranges. Dave likes reds: red was a colour he picked for himself when he was young, a colour that drew the eyes, that was bright but not painful to look at. Even the fiery heat of LOHAC hadn’t dimmed his enthusiasm—besides, even after Sburb the colour reminds him more of his sweet-ass god-tier jammies than the lava that once burned across his planet.

Oranges? Not so much. Sure, Rose’s god-tier outfit is cool, too, but… well, once he thinks of one light player’s outfit, the other isn’t so far behind. And _yes_ , Vriska had done a pretty good job of keeping them all alive, but she was also a self-important asshole who even pushed the limits of his cool guy patience at times. And the less said about orange text, the better.

It won’t be too much longer until Karkat shows up, he thinks. He’s picked this hill to sit on very much on purpose: once the sun has set and Karkat takes a peek out of their hive’s window, he should see him up here pretty easily. And just in case he doesn’t, Dave left a note on the table telling Karkat where he’d be.

It’s getting cold, but Dave doesn’t mind: he wraps his blanket a little tighter around his shoulders and pours himself another small cup of coffee from his thermos, holding it close to his face. The steam fogs up his shades but is warm against his face, and the first sip sends a shiver of warmth through him. He presses his back up against the rough bark of the tree trunk and takes a slow, deep breath.

He hasn’t been sleeping well. Okay, that’s a gross understatement: he hasn’t been sleeping, period. Even Karkat has been getting more sleep than him lately, which can’t be a good sign. But in his defence, Karkat hasn’t been having crazy nightmares about the weird, possessed carapacian he killed years ago (at least, Dave thinks, not to the best of his knowledge. Who knows what goes on in that troll’s head? Everyone within a twelve mile radius, he corrects himself, because Karkat Vantas can and will yell every thought he has at the top of his lungs, whether or not anyone wants to hear it. It was kind of endearing at this point.)

It’s hard not to be haunted by the flashing eyes, the expression of a rabid, angry dog lit by demonic, technicolour light show. It’s burned into his subconscious. And frankly the less he thinks about it, the better.

DAVE: (okay dave you can do this)  
DAVE: (dont think about the weird demon carapacian you brutally decapitated alongside your alt-universe bro and a robot guy)  
DAVE: (damn did anyone ever figure out who that robot guy was)  
DAVE: (note to self: ask rose about the robot guy)  
DAVE: (hopefully he was a bad guy itd kinda suck if i decapitated him and he wasnt an asshole)  
DAVE: (honestly decapitate is starting to sound like a fake word at this point)  
DAVE: (once again something i need to ask rose about)  
DAVE: (bet she knows some hella good synonyms for decapitate)  
DAVE: (you know whats a good set of synonyms?)  
DAVE: (rose and thesaurus)  
DAVE: (holy shit i cracked the code)  
KARKAT: HEY BULGEBRAIN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP HERE AT THIS FUCKING UNGODLY HOUR OF THE EVENING?  
DAVE: firstly i resent the accusation that these are ungodly hours  
DAVE: i am literally a god so any hours im doing stuff are by definition godly  
DAVE: secondly it is like half five  
DAVE: its winter  
DAVE: sunset happens early  
DAVE: its too cold and the sun is all like “fuck this im outta here” and goes to get all wrapped up in that sweet horizon blanket  
DAVE: but the sun going down means it ends up being even colder out here so you get this vicious cycle of days getting shorter and colder  
DAVE: until the sun eventually gives in  
DAVE: like its playing a game of chicken with the planet and the planet won  
DAVE: long story short the sun is a weenie  
DAVE: how are you doing anyway

Karkat settles down next to him, grabbing a corner of the blanket angrily and wrapping it around his own shoulders. Dave nods softly to himself as Karkat huddles up next to him, and pours out a coffee for him.

KARKAT: ONE DAY, DAVE, YOU ARE GOING TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SOMETHING OTHER THAN HOOFBEAST SHIT IS GOING TO COME POURING OUT.  
KARKAT: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS DAY. IT WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY. THE WHOLE OF EARTH C WILL REJOICE BECAUSE AT LONG LAST ALL OF THEIR CREATORS WILL BE SENSIBLE, WELL-ADJUSTED PEOPLE WHO THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK.  
KARKAT: SADLY, THAT STILL HASN’T HAPPENED YET.  
KARKAT: ALSO I WOKE UP AND YOU WEREN’T THERE, SO I’M HAVING A PRETTY SHIT EVENING SO FAR.  
DAVE: business as usual then?  
KARKAT: YEAH PRETTY MUCH.

They both say nothing for a while. Karkat sips at his coffee noisily, which is how he does most things. Dave leans a little into him, and the two watch for a moment as the red of the sky begins to fade.

KARKAT: YOU’VE BEEN GETTING UP EARLY A LOT LATELY.  
DAVE: mhmm  
KARKAT: LIKE PRETTY MUCH SINCE WE MOVED IN HERE, I THINK I’VE COUNTED MAYBE ONE DAY WHERE YOU GOT MORE THAN AN HOUR’S SLEEP?  
DAVE: you noticed that?  
DAVE: not saying theres anything to notice  
DAVE: cos i definitely have my sleep cycle sorted  
KARKAT: DAVE PLEASE, THERE’S NOT EXACTLY MUCH ELSE FOR ME TO NOTICE. THIS TOWN IS BORING AS FUCK. THAT’S WHY WE MOVED HERE.  
KARKAT: SO DON’T TRY TO BULLSHIT ME, OKAY?  
KARKAT: I WANT TO HELP YOU.  
DAVE: yeah i guess youre right  
DAVE: sorry

Dave hasn’t been looking forward to this conversation. At all, actually. If anything, it is a conversation he’s actively tried to avoid, because having Karkat fuss over him can be absolutely humiliating (and nice, too—but admitting that is the humiliating part). But he figures he can’t put this off any longer. Next best thing: tell Karkat as little as possible.

DAVE: ive been having a lot of nightmares lately  
DAVE: just about sburb and fighting lord english and stuff  
DAVE: like every time i get more than five minutes sleep his weird glowing eyes get all up in my face  
DAVE: and sometimes im back fighting him with dirk and terezi and something goes wrong and he just doesnt fucking die  
DAVE: and other times were just chilling on earth c when he shows up in whatever restaurant or shitty liberty were in and i have to fight him again  
DAVE: one time i was already having one of those shitty nightmares where youre back in school butt naked which let me tell you is a particularly weird nightmare to have when you were homeschooled  
DAVE: bet rose would have a lot of things to say about that one and freud  
DAVE: not sure how or why but you know rose  
DAVE: shell find a way  
DAVE: anyway the teacher just turns to me and his eyes start flickering and then bam  
DAVE: lord english  
DAVE: or like weird possessed jack noir i guess if you wanna be technical about it  
KARKAT: AND YOU HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE?  
DAVE: didnt think it was gonna be a big thing  
DAVE: figured it was gonna be over and done with in a couple weeks and then i wouldnt have to think about it again  
DAVE: not like theres much i can do about it so im just getting used to living on coffee i guess  
KARKAT: OKAY LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE A DERSE DREAMER, AND I NEVER EXACTLY PUT MUCH STOCK INTO THOSE STUPID PROSPIT DREAMS IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO I’M NOT GOING TO TRY AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR DREAMS HAVING HIDDEN MEANING OR SOME OTHER BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: BUT I DO KNOW THAT RECURRING NIGHTMARES USUALLY HAPPEN WHEN YOU’RE STRESSED THE FUCK OUT ABOUT SOMETHING.  
KARKAT: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, THAT’S FINE. BUT IF US LIVING TOGETHER IS STRESSING YOU OUT—

Dave’s eyes widen behind his shades, and he turns a little toward Karkat, taking his arm and wrapping it around Karkat’s shoulders. He rests his cheek against the back of Karkat’s head (he learned a long time ago to avoid the horns) and pulls Karkat closer to him.

DAVE: thats not stressing me out  
DAVE: like okay yeah its kinda a big thing and a big change  
DAVE: but i think its a good change  
DAVE: and besides we spent three fucking years glued at the hip on that meteor so having our own hive is just like more of the same for us lets be honest  
DAVE: anyway the nightmares started while we were still out exploring with jade so trust me its not that  
KARKAT: GODDAMNIT DAVE, YOU COULD HAVE OPENED WITH THAT.  
DAVE: ok yeah now you say it that would have been a better move  
DAVE: but hey at least were on the same page now  
DAVE: feels like its been ages since we were on the same page  
DAVE: scribbling our own little doodles together  
DAVE: you trying to draw serious diagrams  
DAVE: and me just drawing dicks  
DAVE: damn those were some good times  
KARKAT: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP WITH THE STRESS OR NOT?

Dave thinks for a moment, instead of just saying the first thing that comes into his head like he usually would. He’s been getting better at that lately, though mostly because he doesn’t want to fuck up and say something awkward and inappropriate that might jeopardise their friendship rather than from the kind of introspective thinking Karkat claims he wants from him.

The problem, Dave thinks, is that he’s not entirely sure what’s stressing him out. That possessed lunatic is very, very dead. Yeah, sure, maybe time shenanigans could happen and a younger, more-alive possessed lunatic could show up again, but given they’d moved to a universe beyond English’s reach (Dave had never quite followed Rose’s reasoning on that one, but he’d nodded along with Dirk when she explained it. He wasn’t going to make a fool of himself in front of Dirk _again_ ) that seemed pretty unlikely, if not downright impossible.

DAVE: no idea  
DAVE: its probably just ptsd or something  
DAVE: like fuck do you ever stop and think about how were a group of teenagers that literally caused and then had to survive multiple apocalpyses  
DAVE: i dunno maybe  
DAVE: and im just spitballing here  
DAVE: but maybe sburb or sgrub or whatever are actually literal hellholes and absolutely nobody ever deserves that kind of mess  
KARKAT: I THINK THE WAY THE GAME IS SUPPOSED TO GO IS PROBABLY NOT TOO BAD.  
KARKAT: OKAY SURE THE WORLD ENDS OR WHATEVER BUT OUR SESSION ITSELF WAS PRETTY SWEET, AND WE ACCIDENTALLY PROTOTYPED A LITERAL ELDRITCH GOD INTO OUR BLACK KING WHICH I’M PRETTY SURE IS A HELL OF A LOT HARDER THAN HOW MOST SESSIONS WOULD GO  
KARKAT: HONESTLY I THINK YOUR SESSION WAS UNIQUELY FUCKED UP IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY

Karkat falls quiet. Dave gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze—he’s not sure what’s wrong, but something must be if Karkat has shut up. It’s just one of the many, many ways in which they’re alike.

And then Dave’s phone buzzes between them. Flashing Karkat a quick grimace of apology, he grabs it—Jade wants to facetime, it seems. It’s around lunchtime where she is, so he guesses she’s waited until sunset their time, which was thoughtful of her. He answers.

DAVE: sup  
JADE: hi dave!! hi karkat!!  
JADE: hows it going? :D

Jade is floating above a Shitty Liberty. She casts a slight shadow from her arm across her cheek from holding her phone out, but otherwise she is lit as brightly by the sun as she is by her disposition. Behind her, waving sheepishly, is Jake.

DAVE: eh troll kingdoms pretty boring honestly but at least its been quiet  
DAVE: ok maybe not quiet this is karkat were talking about  
KARKAT: HEY—  
DAVE: but things out here are pretty chill  
DAVE: not much happens but sometimes you gotta treat yourself to a month or two off from happenings you know  
JADE: im glad youre having a good time!!!  
JADE: i dont think im ever going to get tired of exploring this planet though :P  
JADE: plus i finally get to hang out with jake! :D  
JAKE: I must say its been quite an exciting time. Certainly a damn sight less dangerous than the sorts of wacky shenanigans from the medium but i for one think that this is a much more pleasant kind of adventure!!  
JAKE: Please dont tell dirk i said that though. I wouldnt want him to think that i am some kind of scaredy-cat.  
DAVE: its chill dude we wont tell him  
DAVE: what is dirk up to these days anyway  
JADE: hes with us!!  
JADE: i mean not right now obviously because right now hes inside this shitty liberty but you get what i mean  
DAVE: oh thats sweet  
DAVE: you guys find anything in this one  
DAVE: feels like its been ages since we found a shitty liberty that had anything interesting inside  
DAVE: not to imply that shitty liberties aren’t all kinds of interesting themselves  
DAVE: other me was a fucking genius and these liberties are the best features of earth c by a mile  
JADE: yes!!! theres really cool stuff in this one :D  
JADE: but thats not what i called you about silly  
JADE: has the knight of time forgotten what the date is???? :P  
DAVE: jade its november 29th  
DAVE: my birthday isnt till next week and yours is before then anyway  
DAVE: dont try to out-time me space girl  
JADE: im calling BECAUSE our birthdays are coming up you dork  
JADE: were thinking of having a big party for all of us next week to celebrate!!  
JADE: its been ages since weve all gotten together  
JAKE: Right! I feel like i havent seen you two chaps in over a year. And since all of us except john and janey have such similar birthdays... Well why shouldnt we take the chance to see each other and have a smashing jamboree?  
JADE: so do you want to come?? :D  
DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: im quite a celebrity these days  
DAVE: got a lot of demands on my time  
DAVE: people expect me to keep my social circle to just the cream of the crop  
DAVE: cant just turn up to anyones birthday party you know  
DAVE: such is the burden of fame  
JADE: its your party too dummy! :P

Dave turns to Karkat. Karkat shrugs, as if to say “SHE’S RIGHT, YOU KNOW”.

DAVE: yeah alright you got me  
DAVE: i guess i can fit it into my schedule  
DAVE: wait let me just check with my assistant to see if im free then dont wanna double book you  
DAVE: yo karkat are we free for this party  
KARKAT: DAVE FOR FUCKS SAKE, I AM NOT YOUR ASSISTANT AND I’M NOT GOING TO KEEP YOUR FUCKING CALENDAR FOR YOU. AS MUCH AS I HATE TO STROKE YOUR EGO, YOU ARE QUITE LITERALLY A GOD OF TIME, YOU ARE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF KEEPING TRACK OF YOUR OWN SOCIAL CALENDAR.  
DAVE: sounds like thats a yes from karkat  
DAVE: so i guess well see you there

Jade giggles, her voice light and cheerful as ever. Even Jake cracks an awkward smile behind her.

JADE: i cant wait!  
JADE: jane said shes gonna host and that we should do the 2nd so nobody feels left out because its not actually their birthday  
JADE: have you been to her place before?  
DAVE: nah were not that close  
DAVE: but i know where it is like shes probably the second most famous of us all shes not exactly hard to find if we need her  
DAVE: the most famous is of course jakes ass  
DAVE: sorry dude but your ass is definitely more famous than you are  
JAKE: Well i do like to give the people what they want and it seems like what a lot of them want is me posing on television in shorts!  
JAKE: It can be jolly embarrassing at times but i think the fans are happy with it.

Karkat groans and rolls his eyes. Dave shoots him a look before turning back to the phone. Jade is snickering as Jake blinks bashfully in the background. 

DAVE: well thanks for inviting us  
DAVE: im gonna let you get back to dirk and your exploring but ill see you there ok  
JADE: see you there! :D

The call ends and Dave lets his hand slump to the grass. Karkat looks at him, tentatively.

KARKAT: WELL, FINGERS CROSSED THAT GETTING OUT AND SEEING YOUR FRIENDS CAN HELP WITH YOUR STRESS, HUH?

Dave sits quietly for a moment in thought. He’s not sure if a night out with his friends is going to remove the weight from his shoulders, calm his mind enough to get him a good night’s sleep… but right now, he’d settle just for an evening of calm normality to lift a little of that weight, if only for a while. He breathes out, his breath a cloud in the cool twilight air, and closes his eyes.

DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: you know what karkat  
DAVE: i really think it might


	4. 2

Jane’s house is somewhat grander than their hive, Dave realises as he steps into the foyer. Not that that’s surprising—she’s an enterprising young woman after all, already working her way up the corporate ladders and making use of her public image as a creator to seek out the life that she wants for herself. And while this kind of large, ostentatious mansion is definitely not Dave’s idea of a home, he certainly isn’t going to say no to hanging out here for parties. Like, hot damn. This place is cool as shit.

Karkat, it would seem, hasn’t really seen anything like this outside of movies. His mouth is wide open as he stares around the spacious hall, and every now and then he starts to move it and catches himself. Dave smirks at that—the last time Karkat was lost for words ( _properly_ lost for words, not just so wound-up that it takes him a moment or two to get his rant in order) was when they were exploring the Colorado River and Jade had briefly shrunk the water to reveal the Grand Canyon as they had known it. There’s a half-formed tease on his lips already when Jane comes down the stairs to greet them, a wide smile on her face.

JANE: Good evening, Dave, Karkat! Do come on in, let me show you through to the sitting room.

Dave is more than a little taken aback by her dress: it is elegantly cut, and though the design is both modest and simple there is an air of refinement about it, a certain something that he can’t put his finger on that makes its cost clear. He looks down at his own ensemble (which could charitably be described as ‘business casual’ by someone who wasn’t particularly knowledgeable about business) and across at Karkat’s slacks and turtleneck, and suddenly feels quite underdressed.

JANE: It shouldn’t surprise me that you’re precisely on time, should it?  
DAVE: nah im pretty clued up on that kinda thing  
DAVE: dunno if you heard but its my whole jam  
DAVE: at least according to the people who worship us i mean  
DAVE: if you asked me id say that my jam was more fresh  
DAVE: who needs a god of time when you can have a god of rhymes  
DAVE: honestly feel a bit cheated out of my true calling on this one but hey at least i can show up to parties on time  
DAVE: howre you doing anyway its been like a year since ive seen you around  
JANE: I’ve been doing rather well for myself, all things considered :B  
JANE: Crockercorp has been rebranding, of course, to try and distance ourselves from the batterwitch.  
JANE: And the public of course has been quite appreciative of our attempts. I honestly think the idea that the brand has not just outgrown its legendary origins but taken a place in usurping them is one that helps to make everyone feel that little but safer.  
JANE: Or, well, that’s what I like to think!  
JANE: But enough about me, Dave! It’s not my birthday, after all. How have you been?  
DAVE: yeah im doing good  
DAVE: taking a bit of a break from exploring, needed a bit of quiet for a few months i think  
DAVE: we’ve built a hive over in the troll kingdom and i mean its taken a bit of getting used to but i kinda dig it  
DAVE: i mean karkat let me have a mattress instead of a more authentic recooperacoon because honestly not sure even i could have committed to that bit  
KARKAT: RECOOPERACOONS ARE NOT A “BIT”, DAVE. THEY ARE A KEY PART OF MY SPECIES’ SLEEP CYCLE—  
DAVE: dude its cool i meant the bit where im living in a hive  
DAVE: i saw what you guys sleeping without recooperacoons was like for three years im pretty glad you get to have one again  
DAVE: i just dont think any human is gonna be okay to sleep in one and thats fine  
JANE: I’m not sure, I think Dirk might be stubborn enough to go through with it if he felt it were sufficiently ironic.  
JANE: That man’s commitment to the bit is quite something.  
JANE: You should read the birthday present he made me a while back! Of course, I’d have to ask if he was alright with it first, but I’m sure he’d be honoured to have your feedback.  
JANE: He did always find you — well, our version of you I suppose — to be quite the font of inspiration.  
DAVE: i mean i cant imagine hes topped sweet bro and hella jeff the moive  
DAVE: im not even sure i can top that  
DAVE: that was a masterpiece  
DAVE: brought a tear to my eye  
KARKAT: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE GOING TO STAND AROUND TALKING ABOUT THAT DAMN MOVIE AGAIN—  
DAVE: moive  
DAVE: get it right karkat this is a deeply important part of janes culture were talking about  
KARKAT: OH LOOK KANAYA AND ROSE ARE OVER THERE BY THE FIREPLACE I’M GOING TO GO AND TALK TO THEM GOODBYE

Karkat walks off stiffly, his shoulders tight and his nose turned up. Jane and Dave watch him retreat for a moment in silence, before bursting into giggles.

JANE: I take it he’s not a fan of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff?  
DAVE: im pretty sure he secretly likes them  
DAVE: and not only because he enjoys telling me how terrible they are like i think he genuinely enjoys some of the political messaging in the later entries in the franchise  
DAVE: even if only out of spite to the empress  
JANE: Well as long as we haven’t actually upset him...  
DAVE: nah youd know if karkat was actually upset about something  
DAVE: trust me that shit is obvious  
DAVE: i reckon he just wants to talk with kanaya  
DAVE: shes been down in the brooding caverns pretty much nonstop since the wedding so its nice to see her out and about  
DAVE: thanks for having us by the way  
JANE: It’s the least I could do! I do like organising this sort of shindig, and what with all of your birthdays so close together I figured that it would be quite awful of me to celebrate for just some of you.

A loud chime echoes from behind them.

JANE: Oh do excuse me, I think some more of us have arrived. Do make yourself comfortable!

And with that, Jane makes her way back into the foyer to greet more guests. Dave glances around the room: something he hadn’t quite appreciated was just how _large_ this sitting room was, with four plush couches placed in pairs at either end of the long room. Over by the fireplace, Karkat is talking with Rose and Kanaya, while Roxy and Calliope are sat close together on a sofa nearby. Unsurprisingly, none of them are helping Dave’s continued acute sense that he’s not really wearing the right kind of outfit for this party.

He’s about to go and join Karkat (because he’s sure as hell not third-wheeling whatever it is that Roxy and Calliope have got going on) when he hears a familiar voice at the door.

JOHN: sorry i’m late jane, i hope i haven’t held anything up.  
JANE: It’s quite alright John! Do come on in, we’re still waiting on quite a few people. And you’re only two minutes late, so I don’t think anyone other than Dave is going to notice, hoo hoo hoo!  
JOHN: dave’s here? i mean obviously dave’s here, it’s his birthday party haha.  
JANE: Yes! Everyone’s just in the sitting room, do come on through, dear.

Dave is already back by the door, waiting to greet John. He doesn’t really care if it’s awkward (and it is, if Jane’s slight double take on seeing him is anything to judge by): he hasn’t seen John in person since he last saw Jane, and though a year might be acceptable for not seeing a friend of a friend, he is not waiting another god-damn _second_ without seeing his best bro.

DAVE: yo  
JOHN: dave! damn it’s been so long, how are you?  
DAVE: yeah things are going well  
DAVE: karkats continuing to be a pretty sweet hivemate and the troll kingdom has been kinda quiet lately  
DAVE: so weve just been chilling  
DAVE: you should swing by some time im sure karkat would love having someone else around  
JOHN: yes, i would definitely be visiting for karkat’s benefit.  
JOHN: nobody else in your hous— sorry, hive, is going to want me to come and hang out with them.  
DAVE: yeah thats pretty much the situation  
DAVE: you catch on quick egbert  
DAVE: seriously though itd be sweet to have you over  
JOHN: i’d love to :)  
JOHN: shall we go find somewhere to sit?

Dave nods, and the two of them wander over to one of the less-occupied couches. John takes a quick glance around the room, taking in the other occupants. A faint tint of pink crosses his cheeks as he shoots an awkward, tiny wave in Roxy’s direction—Dave bites his cheek to avoid blurting out something inappropriate there. Teasing John is a worthy cause, but while they’re walking just a few dozen feet from Roxy probably isn’t the right time.

Also, Dave’s not entirely sure that he can get through that conversation without John calling him out on thinking Jane is hot, and he’d rather not go down that path of weirdness. He’s already had that conversation twice with Rose. He’s learned his lesson.

JOHN: so you’re taking a break from all the exploring you were doing with jade?  
DAVE: yeah pretty much just chilling  
DAVE: my life is just coffee and arguing with karkat about rom coms these days  
DAVE: maybe spend a bit of time working on my raps here and there but its not like im trying for an audience with those  
DAVE: kinda sucks i cant just release an album now without people freaking out about a creator dropping new tracks  
DAVE: it doesnt feel like i can make truly ironic work if people are gonna praise it regardless  
DAVE: maybe one day the hypell die down  
JOHN: yeah, i get you. i’ve not really been leaving my house because it’s all a bit overwhelming :/  
JOHN: people come and gawk at the house a few times a day so i feel bad enough standing in my garden haha  
JOHN: so i’ve been having a pretty lazy month too.  
JOHN: sometimes i worry that i’m spending all my time just lounging around doing nothing but then i remember about the “conditionally immortal” thing and stop worrying.  
DAVE: being immortal fucking rocks  
JOHN: you’re right and you should say it haha :D

Dave half-smiles. Behind his shades, his eyes flick over toward Karkat, who is still talking calmly (by his standards, anyway) with Kanaya by the fireplace. Rose has wandered off… ah, there she is, deep in conversation with Dirk, who must have just arrived. Dave’s half-smile falls from his face as he tries to resist the instinctive tensing of his body that he always feels around Dirk, and tilts his head back towards John to put them out of his sight.

DAVE: i worry about that sometimes  
JOHN: what, the whole just or heroic death thing?  
DAVE: nah i dont think ive got anything to worry about with that dude  
DAVE: i have been avoiding doing anything of any moral value whatsoever for months  
DAVE: staying completely morally neutral by doing sweet fuck all with my life  
DAVE: and then if something stupid like a heart attack gets me there is absolutely zero risk to yours truly  
DAVE: but nah im worried about karkat  
JOHN: yeah, i guess he’s still uh...  
JOHN: wow with terezi gone and callie wearing that ring, he really is the only one of our friends here who isn’t immortal, huh.  
JOHN: even kanaya has that weird alien vampire stuff going for her. literally everyone else in our social circle except him :(  
DAVE: i think sometimes it really gets to him because like  
DAVE: you know how trolls lifespans are based on blood  
DAVE: karkats blood color is so rare he legit doesnt know how long hes gonna live for  
DAVE: and honestly not knowing is the thing that worries me the most  
DAVE: but theres not much we can do about that so i try to put it out of my mind you know  
JOHN: that must suck :(  
JOHN: i’m sorry.  
DAVE: its chill dude  
DAVE: like im not completely racked with fear or whatever about it its just something that crosses my mind every now and then  
DAVE: and yeah it sucks but we just get on with life for now right  
JOHN: since when have you been so wise :O  
DAVE: i have always been the wisest of our friends  
DAVE: i share with you my wisdom yet you never listen  
DAVE: i warned you about stairs bro  
DAVE: i told you dog  
JOHN: of course, how could i forget your endless wisdom in the form of jpeg artifacts?  
JOHN: it keeps happening.

Dave can’t help chuckling a little at that. John’s grin is as infectious as his sister’s, cheeky and full of joy. After a moment, John leans back into the couch, sighing contentedly as he relaxes into the plush, soft cushions. Dave instead reclines casually against the arm, lounging more for show than for anything else. Even in the quiet hum of the room (holy _crap_ , there are at least a dozen guests now. Who even are some of these people?) he can still hear Dirk’s drawl.

JOHN: seriously though, you are doing okay, right?  
JOHN: i don’t like the thought of my best bro huddled up indoors, worrying himself to exhaustion.

Dave frowns. He could just pass it all off with a quippy remark. He knows John well enough to know that John knows _him_ well enough that this won’t actually convince him, but it would at least move them on to sweeter conversational pastures. But he’s tired, so damn tired, and John would probably understand, wouldn’t he? He had the same kind of pressures in the Game, after all.

DAVE: you ever worry about the stuff we left behind  
JOHN: what, like old earth? i’m pretty sure that it never existed at this point.  
JOHN: maybe there’s some weird philosophical nuance there that rose would be able to explain  
DAVE: nah not that stuff  
DAVE: more like  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: do you ever feel like we never really finished the game  
DAVE: like we just fuckin bypassed all of the stuff we were meant to sort out and just made a beeline for the new universe  
DAVE: and all that stuff is still there to be done  
JOHN: what do you mean?

That’s a “no”, then, but fuck it, he’s already knee-deep in this conversation. Can’t back out now. Never let it be said that Dave Strider isn’t capable of falling for a good sunk cost fallacy.

DAVE: like lord english is still out there destroying shit  
DAVE: doing whatever it was he was doing  
DAVE: looking for callie or something like that  
DAVE: and like dont get me wrong  
DAVE: the last thing i ever want to do is go and fight him because frankly that sounds like the worst possible time of my goddamn life  
DAVE: but i cant get over this feeling that weve just left this whole thing entirely unfinished  
JOHN: okay yeah, but isn’t that what vriska went off to do?  
JOHN: to go and defeat him?  
JOHN: and she really, really wanted to do that. to be a part of all that, to see it through to the end.  
JOHN: as long as someone is seeing it through... isn’t that enough?  
DAVE: we literally cannot know that shes done it though  
DAVE: weve just left her to her own devices like a teen parent who cant cope with the responsibility dumping their kid on the roadside by an orphanage  
DAVE: and like weve left the kid with a nice warm juju to make sure they stay safe and a little note to anyone who finds them  
DAVE: like weve not totally neglected to take responsibility for making sure this child has a good shot at life  
DAVE: but now were here like five years later and weve got all our shit together and like  
DAVE: who the fuck knows if the baby made it???  
DAVE: and thats just hanging over our heads like  
DAVE: we didnt even want to be parents but we still gotta worry about that kid anyway from time to time cos its still out there  
DAVE: also before you start worrying the kid in this analogy is the act of killing lord english not vriska herself  
JOHN: oh good, i was getting worried.  
JOHN: would absolutely h8 that.  
DAVE: you did not just do the eight thing

John is grinning with so much self-satisfaction now. Dave buries his face in his hands, dramatically, and sighs. But before he can put on his best ironic melodrama voice, John cuts in, his tone more serious.

JOHN: but yeah, i get where you’re coming from.  
JOHN: i feel like i spend a lot of time not doing very much because the things that i should be doing are literally a universe away.  
JOHN: or, i guess, not things i should be doing like right now. but things that i should do at some indeterminate point?  
JOHN: i talked with rose about it once.  
DAVE: damn dude im sorry to hear that  
JOHN: she said it was all about textual boundaries? you know, like framing our whole time in the medium as a story.  
JOHN: which i guess is a way i kinda frame it too, sometimes? you know, with the whole retcon powers stuff, zapping myself around the “canon” of our lives.  
JOHN: i mean at the time i was honestly just trying to explain what i was doing with an analogy because i couldn’t make any real sense of it otherwise but i think rose is taking it a little more literally :/  
JOHN: at least from some sort of perspective, we really are just characters that exit, stage left, you know?  
DAVE: please tell me youre not going to go all rosencrantz and guildenstern on me  
DAVE: rose will not shut the fuck up about that  
DAVE: i do not care what happens to characters when theyre not on the stage that is literally the point of having a stage  
JOHN: so why do you care what happens to us once we’re off it?

Dave frowns. He walked into that one. It’s not a feeling that he’s unused to.

Naturally, he gets right back on defence.

DAVE: since when have you been so wise  
JOHN: nu-uh, you’re not turning that one back at me!  
JOHN: i’m kinda serious, though. like, what does the fight with lord english matter to you for? we WON, dave. getting away from all of that was our reward.  
DAVE: okay but like  
DAVE: what if im still destined to kill him  
JOHN: didn’t you go and face down that weird possessed jack noir guy to fulfill that?  
DAVE: okay but what if that didnt count  
DAVE: and one day im going to be thrust right back into all of that shit and i have to go fight him again  
DAVE: paradox space has thrown weirder things at us than that  
JOHN: are you... are you really worried about this?  
DAVE: do you really think im gonna call psyche on this kind of heavy bullshit

John fixes him with a heavy stare.

DAVE: ok yeah i dont exactly have the best track record on that front  
DAVE: ive been struggling with nightmares  
DAVE: got five hours and twenty three minutes sleep total in the last week  
JOHN: damn. that... that doesn’t sound good, dave.  
DAVE: nah im sure its fine  
DAVE: by which i mean  
DAVE: you are absolutely correct and this sucks all kinds of ass  
JOHN: ok, so: i don’t think this is something you need to worry about. and i know saying that doesn’t exactly help or anything but i wanted to get that bit off my chest first!  
JOHN: let me show you something i havent shown anyone before  
DAVE: dude at least take me for dinner first  
JOHN: i’m serious! here...

John pulls out his phone and swipes and taps a couple of times to pull up Pesterchum. In a way, Dave is surprised to see the app: it’s one that even he has been using less and less lately, despite the nostalgia. Perhaps even because of the nostalgia. It might be where he met his friends, but it did dominate his time in the Medium, after all.

After a moment of disappointment, Dave blinks and looks at the chatlog John has tilted his way. He doesn’t recognise the user, or the colour, but he reads anyway.

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering ectoBiologist [EB]

uu: JOHN.  
uu: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  
uu: IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE. AS THEY SAY. “HUMAN SCARED”?  
uu: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME AND FIGHT ME?  
uu: OR ARE YOU CONCERNED. BECAUSE THE LAST TIME THAT WE MET. I BEAT YOU SO VERY THOROUGHLY. THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO FIGHT ME AGAIN?  
uu: IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEN YOU ARE A WUSS AND A COWARD.  
uu: THIS IS WHY I WROTE YOU OUT OF HOMOSUCK, JOHN.  
uu: MY MASTERPIECE NEEDED A BETTER HERO. AN ALPHA MALE LIKE STRIDER. NOT A WIMP WHO REFUSES TO FIGHT. WHEN HE IS INVITED.  
uu: YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN UGLY COWARD. WHO RESORTS TO SUCH TERRIBLE MEANS. AS RIPPING CAPES.  
uu: BUT THAT IS WHY WE MUST FIGHT. SO THAT I MIGHT PREVAIL COMPLETELY OVER YOU. AND SO THAT YOU MIGHT ALSO BE DEAD.  
uu: ALSO. MY CLOWN TROLL SAYS HELLO.  
uu: HE ASKED ME TO PASS THAT ON.  
uu: ARE YOU GOING TO RESPOND TO ME JOHN??  
uu: FIGHT ME.

Dave raises his eyebrows as the text scrolls on and on, just day after day of messages from this weird asshole that wanted to fight John.

DAVE: so some random dude who wrote fanfic about us wants to fight you  
DAVE: and also he wrote you out of his story and put me in instead  
DAVE: am i reading this right  
DAVE: because if so  
DAVE: holy shit dude you got totally roasted  
JOHN: you know that this “random dude” is like a baby lord english, right?  
DAVE: no fucking way  
DAVE: im the protagonist of lord englishs fanfic  
DAVE: that is the funniest shit i have ever heard  
JOHN: yeah honestly caliborn’s kinda pathetic and just crying out for attention.  
JOHN: but i guess what i’m trying to say is that if anyone has to go and fight him, dave, it’s not going to be you.  
JOHN: i mean i’m just ghosting him but i guess that’s probably something i’m going to have to do eventually?  
DAVE: seriously??  
DAVE: youre all like “no dave its ok you dont have to go fight the big bad demon also i have to go fight him instead bee tee dubs”??  
JOHN: i mean, when you put it like that...  
JOHN: pretty much, yeah :)  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i guess that makes sense  
DAVE: like how the fuck am i even meant to go fight him  
DAVE: but you have your whole zappy thing  
JOHN: heh, yeah. part of me kinda wants to train for a while, zap in and go punch him up a bit, and then zap out again.  
JOHN: but another part of me doesn’t even want to give him the satisfaction? he’s just an annoying kid. sure, he’s arguably one of the most powerful people EVER, but he also can’t really touch us here and is just throwing a strop about it.  
JOHN: so honestly? i’m pretty chill with just letting vriska deal with it.  
DAVE: huh

Dave takes a moment to consider this. John sits patiently, putting his phone back into his sylladex and watching Dave with a quiet, thoughtful expression.

On the one hand, Dave would _love_ to just go along with John on this one. A part of him deeply wishes that knowing about Caliborn’s obsessive focus on fighting John would help him put his worries at ease, to step out from under the shadow of his supposed destiny. But he can’t. He’s seen the way that time works in paradox space, how all possibilities converge to bring the true inevitability of destiny to bear, how timelines branch from each other and are subsequently pruned. If he is meant to fight Lord English, then it _will_ happen. Of that, he’s certain.

But John’s pesterlogs do at least give him a tiny bit of hope that the destiny hanging over his head is all just imagined.

DAVE: well ill be honest john  
DAVE: i dont know how much thats helped  
DAVE: but i think it has helped a bit so  
DAVE: thanks dude  
DAVE: i appreciate it  
JOHN: no problem, dave.  
JOHN: i know sincere expression of emotion isn’t really your thing, but if you ever need to talk, you know i’m here, right?  
JOHN: i’m not going anywhere.  
JOHN: metaphorically, i mean. in practice, i’d quite like to say hi to everyone else here.  
JOHN: if, uh... if you’re okay with that?  
DAVE: yeah bro i’m cool with that  
DAVE: go flirt with my mom or whatever its chill

John rolls his eyes, hard.

JOHN: sure.  
JOHN: happy birthday, dave.

And, pulling a small gift-wrapped box from his sylladex and tossing it onto Dave’s lap, John stands and stretches his arms before wandering over the room to join Jade, who is talking with a couple of trolls Dave has never seen before, but assumes from the colour of the symbols on their shirts are some of Kanaya’s helpers.

Dave twists in his seat and leans back, closing his eyes and letting the gentle noise of the many conversations wash over him. He can still hear Dirk’s drawl, his ears picking it up to spite him, and he aggressively tries to focus on anything he can to drown it out, even if that means worrying more about the whole Lord English thing. Hell, at this point he’ll take worrying about Karkat’s mortality over having any more dumb flashbacks to his shitty upbringing and his shitty excuse for a guardian.

Fucking _Dirk_. Why’d the guy have to sound so much like Bro? Couldn’t he have grown up somewhere else and avoided picking up the patented Strider southern drawl? Paradox space fucking sucks.

After a moment, Dave feels the weight of someone sitting down beside him. He cautiously opens one eye, only to see the beaming face of his ectobiological mother bouncing slightly up and down with excitement.

ROXY: happy b-day!!!!  
DAVE: sup lalonde  
DAVE: dont tell rose but youre my favourite lalonde  
ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: ur not gonna get me playin faves with u and di-stri  
ROXY: but fwiw ur definitely easier to chill with  
DAVE: i guess thats fair  
DAVE: so whatve you been doing lately  
DAVE: i mean i feel like im saying this to everyone at this party but i really havent seen you in ages  
DAVE: not properly anyway  
ROXY: nah i get u  
ROXY: we dont hang out nearly as much as we should  
ROXY: like us 2 specifically but also all of us as a group  
ROXY: idk about u but ive mostly just been hangin with callie  
ROXY: we got this cute lil apartment goin on and callies been doin a bunch of sweet sweet arts  
ROXY: and then ofc im brunchin with janey cuz shes my bff and thats what we do  
ROXY: and also cuz i think she needs the break from all the corporate shit sometimes, ya know?  
ROXY: like damn girl take a break once in a while  
DAVE: yeah i keep seeing her name in the news  
DAVE: well her name or the company name which i guess is mostly just her name anyway  
DAVE: sounds like shes doing pretty well for herself in the business world  
ROXY: oh yeah dont get me wrong, janes killing it  
ROXY: making an absolute fortune with them wily crocker ways  
ROXY: and also probs like a bunch of free pr from bein a literal god  
DAVE: that does help  
ROXY: we dont bring it up tho cuz like  
ROXY: idk about u but i find it really tough to deal with the whole “everybody worshippin us” deal???  
ROXY: i think rose said something once about this psychological thing where u feel like u havent earned what uve got and its all just faked  
ROXY: and that hit home cuz like i think if i were to do anything important the whole world would just blow smoke up my ass lol  
DAVE: no i get that  
DAVE: i only ever share my tracks with friends these days because i dont want to get a bunch of reviews that just say its good because i made it  
ROXY: how come u never send me ur tracks???  
DAVE: shit

Roxy beams at him, cheshire cat-esque. For the first time, Dave spots Calliope perched softly on the other arm of the couch behind Roxy, one claw resting on her shoulder.

DAVE: lets pivot from that real quick  
DAVE: all smooth like  
DAVE: changing that disk out on the turntable  
DAVE: fast and subtle as a trained dj  
DAVE: i learned to dj conversations in an ancient temple  
DAVE: ancient dj secrets passed down from master to student for centuries to make sure that only the worthy learned to mix fresh beats  
DAVE: bopping along to those tunes is a form of deep meditation  
DAVE: finding myself in these sick jams  
DAVE: i am the music  
DAVE: and the music is me  
DAVE: anyway yeah whats the deal with you and callie  
ROXY: lol  
ROXY: cant believe u inherited ur sick segue skills from me  
ROXY: im so proud :’)  
ROXY: but 4 real wdym whats the deal?  
ROXY: somethin wrong w/ us livin together?  
ROXY: or do u want me 2 ask u what the deal w/ u and karkat is?  
DAVE: oh my god mom stop youre embarrassing me  
ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: ok fine u win  
ROXY: its not fair u know i cant resist the ironic family routine  
DAVE: its the best routine  
ROXY: dirk is the only one in the family who doesnt like that routine and i just dont get why  
ROXY: he fuckin loves irony  
ROXY: and i think he legit loves u and rose to bits so  
ROXY: le shrug  
ROXY: honestly i dont know what to do with that guy  
DAVE: ive not really talked to him that much but yeah i can see that  
DAVE: hes pretty fuckin intense  
ROXY: u have NO IDEA holy shit  
ROXY: but u should probs talk to him some more  
ROXY: he would love that  
ROXY: unironically i mean

Dave tries not to sigh. How did this get back onto Dirk? He glances up at the room from under the cover of his shades—everyone seems to have arrived now, including a few more guests he doesn’t recognise but he assumes are someone’s friend from somewhere. In the crowd, he can see Jade straining her neck to look over a small crowd of humans who are talking animatedly with Jane. She’s waving, none-too-subtly, in his direction, and it’s exactly the escape that he needs.

DAVE: hate to cut family bonding hour short but i think im needed elsewhere  
DAVE: you two behave now ok  
DAVE: dont want to have to take you home early  
ROXY: lol sure, catch u later davey  
ROXY: happy b-day again!!!  
CALLIOPE: yes, happy birthday dave! i hope yoU enjoy the party, if we don’t see yoU again that is!  
DAVE: thanks guys  
DAVE: and uh  
DAVE: you too roxy

And with a brief flash of a smile, Dave stands and makes his way across the sitting room to where Jade is waving him down.


	5. 3

JADE: so i’ve sent jake off to find dirk because we wanted to talk to you about what we found in the liberty but honestly at this point i’m not sure where either of them are and i wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve snuck off to make out somewhere before catching up with us so i figured i’d catch you up on the basics while we were waiting for them

Jade drags Dave out of the sitting room with one hand, barely pausing for breath as she navigates her way confidently to a small, dark room full of bottles of liquor on fancy shelves with weird decorations. A heavy oak table fills the room and she slides effortlessly into one of the chairs—Dave pulls one out and follows suit, even as she keeps talking.

JADE: sorry to drag you away from the party for a while but there’s rather a lot to talk about and i’d rather do it before everyone gets sloshed!  
DAVE: happy birthday to you too  
JADE: oh har har, mr cool guy :P  
JADE: happy birthday  
JADE: can i tell you about what we found now???  
DAVE: jade you know me  
DAVE: you literally cannot hold me from knowledge about this older less-cool but probably just as handsome version of me and his endless ironic shenanigans  
DAVE: i will hunt it down and consume that knowledge like a motherfucking eagle  
DAVE: swooping down out of the sky and grabbing it up in my talons  
DAVE: caw caw motherfucker  
JADE: what is it with dave striders and birds?  
JADE: anyway yeah so me and jake and dirk were roaming around inside this shitty liberty because this one didn’t just have a big room inside it like usual, it had a whole multi-storey complex thing going on  
JADE: and of course we had to fly everywhere because all the stairs were so thoroughly corrupted that we couldn’t actually walk up them without falling over  
JADE: and i swear to god dave if you even THINK about saying “i warned you about stairs bro” i will knock you out  
DAVE: i told you dog

Jade takes a very, very deep breath, closing her eyes and visibly trying to calm herself down. It is absolutely worth it.

JADE: >:(  
JADE: so the three of us are flying around the shitty liberty, looking for anything that might be interesting  
JADE: and jake comes across this button on the wall  
DIRK: That’s not quite how it went down.

Dave wheels around in his chair at the familiar drawl, and he’s ashamed to admit that one hand was already pulling Caledfwlch from his sylladex before he stops himself. Dirk is leaning casually on the doorframe, his face mirroring Dave’s own blank canvas. Jake squeezes awkwardly past him, and Dave swears that he sees Dirk lean slightly into it, just to mess with him.

DIRK: Jake was trying to show me a flying maneuver he’d been working on. We were working with what could charitably be called “too little space”, and he went careening into a wall. Just so happened that he smashed his elbow into an access panel and opened up a hidden door.  
DIRK: Happy birthday, by the way.  
JAKE: Yes, well, happy accidents and all that.  
JAKE: *Tugs at collar sheepishly.* And indeed, hope you’re having a jolly good time of it dave old chap.  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: same to both of you i guess  
JADE: well i’m sorry i was trying to give jake some dignity in this retelling!!!  
DIRK: I’m sure he appreciates it, but I think I’ll take over from here. If Dave’s gonna hear this story, then he’s gonna hear the fuckin’ truth of it.

Jade, mature and serious as ever, sticks her tongue out at Dirk and makes a silly noise. If this affects him, he doesn’t show it in the slightest.

DIRK: So Jake smashes open this secret passageway by accident, and all three of us take a moment of stunned silence. I mean, seriously, what are the chances of that? It’s crazy luck, but it gives us somewhere new to explore. Somewhere that, for whatever reason, my Bro wanted to keep hidden, and that had remained hidden for a long, long time.  
DIRK: We pile on inside. Of course we do — once one of us starts moving, the others leap into motion on instinct before we can even register it, and I’m not sure any one of us could truthfully tell you who went first. But we push our way through this door into the room beyond, and as we do some motion sensor or somethin’ like that must’ve tripped and turned on the lights. Huge things, these lights — think football stadium floodlights, turning on with a huge clunk, one after the other. It’s that typical motif from the movies, right? Where first one comes on, and then there’s a short pause before another, and then they come faster and faster until the whole room is filled with light. Only the whole room doesn’t fill at once — the last section stays in darkness for a while, this shaded void at the end of a long corridor of blinding light... until a tiny little filament bulb ticks on, hanging from the ceiling from a tiny wire. It was sublime. Honestly, just top fuckin’ tier work from Bro on that one.  
DAVE: holy shit that fucking rocks  
JADE: (shush let him tell the story!!!)  
DIRK: No, Dave’s right. It did fucking rock. But this meant that there was a purpose to the room — that Bro had meant for this to be found, since for this performance to be performed an audience had to stumble upon it. I don’t think he was the sort for making art that wasn’t meant to be found.  
DIRK: So the room itself is a weird one. It’s long and thin, longer than any part of the torso could be, and it takes Jade barely any time at all to realise we’re facing the arm of the Liberty, a room stretching from within the torso all the way out to... well, on the original Liberty it’s a tabula rasa that she holds in her hand, but Bro’s versions (as I’m sure you’re aware) have one of his original Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comics on them, the inspiration, of course, for the film series. A palimpsest instead of a tabula rasa. Heh, Jane would like that.  
DIRK: Anyway, the room is filled with strange technology. One wall houses this huge screen, wide and tall, split into four monitors like a window pane. Along the opposite wall is a long bench, and all sorts of mess is on there, most of it nonsense corrupted by jpeg artifacts but a decent chunk of it is functional tech. And some of it is just the standard sort of thing you’d expect to find in a world destined for Sburb — transportalizers and various bits of ectobiological kit, the same kind of things that I’m sure you found that we (that is, the versions of us that existed in your world) left behind too. None of that should have been much of a surprise to any of us.  
JAKE: Speak for yourself, strider!  
DIRK: I assure you, Jake — I do. But the most curious thing that we found in there was something that we recognised from the Game itself, a piece of Phernalia that we had not previously seen outside of the Game: an Intellibeam Laserstation, an absurdly costly piece of equipment that can be used to read otherwise unintelligible—  
DAVE: yeah i remember that one  
DAVE: utter trash item  
DAVE: definitely not worth the grist cost  
DIRK: Right, good. Well, that was what we found: more weird, residual game technology.  
JADE: i dont think theres all that much to it, honestly? at least, its no weirder than what roses mom had access to.  
JADE: and presumably she just made the things that she had, because you cant just alchemise stuff without grist, right?  
JADE: but dirk wanted to take a closer look out of curiosity and we thought you deserved to know because it was kinda cool!!  
DIRK: I spent a bit of time in there taking a look at it, structurally. Mechanical engineering is one of my hobbies, so I figured I would attempt to reverse engineer it, take the thing apart and figure out how Bro built it.  
DIRK: I think I have some insights, now, and I’m working on testing my theory. But, yes, Jade is right — I wanted to tell you about this because it was an interesting find, and I thought you deserved to know. And since I will be busy for the foreseeable future, offer you a chance to go back and help Jade check the room for anything else of interest.  
JADE: would you like to come with us, dave???  
JADE: it’s not particularly dangerous. i mean, it probably would be for karkat since he isnt able to fly over all the wild animals or, you know, up the stairs :(  
JADE: but it could be a fun trip for a couple days for us!

Dave looks between the wide, pleading eyes of Jade, and the dark, inscrutable shades of Dirk. Both are equally intense, and they stare at him even as the corner of his lips curls in thought. He’s not sure about this trip — though deep down, of course, he wants to go. He’s spent a couple days without Karkat before, so there’s nothing to worry about there. Is it because Dirk is asking that he feels so nervous? That would be silly, and he knows it. Still, there’s nothing wrong with a little space to gather his thoughts before committing.

DAVE: ill have to think on it  
DAVE: but it sounds like it could be  
JADE: yessss!!! :D  
DIRK: That wasn’t a “yes”, Jade.  
JADE: but it will be one, im sure :P  
JADE: dave knows a good time when he sees one

Dave nods and stands. Jade’s optimism is infectious, and it’s not as if he doesn’t want to go along for the ride. He should probably talk with Karkat about it though, just in case he was needed at home or something.

DAVE: well that sounds awesome but im going to have to go run that by my hivemate  
DAVE: you guys know what hes like  
JAKE: Well yes, of course, you ought to at least check your paramour’s alright with it.  
DAVE: as usual jake im not entirely sure that what you just said is correct for some reason  
DAVE: but im gonna let that slide and head on out  
DAVE: peace

And with that, Dave strides out of the room, Dirk stepping aside to let him past with a sharp nod of recognition. A wave of calm passes over him as he steps back into the sitting room, a weight lifting from his shoulders that he wasn’t even aware of.

He scans the room for Karkat, who is (perhaps unsurprisingly) still in conversation with Kanaya, now joined by her wife, by the fireplace. John, he notes with a barely-concealed smirk, has joined Roxy and Calliope on the couch, so he walks right on over to Karkat, Kanaya and Rose and smoothly inserts himself into their conversation with his usual debonair charm.

DAVE: ok so i have a funny story  
KANAYA: Hello Dave  
KANAYA: It Is Good To See You As Always  
KANAYA: Happy Birthday  
DAVE: oh sweet thanks kan  
DAVE: right so let me tell you about this sweet loot jade found  
DAVE: i wont bore you with the details because ill be honest that shit isnt my style  
DAVE: and also i dont remember half of the details because dirk kept going on about weird shit like palincests  
ROSE: Do you mean... palimpsests?  
DAVE: yeah thats it apparently sbahj is one  
DAVE: anyway theres a secret room in a shitty liberty and it has a bunch of sburb tech in it  
DAVE: jade wants to go check it out again some time  
KARKAT: THAT WAS YOUR FUNNY STORY???  
DAVE: nah the funny bit was how dirk almost tripped jake up  
DAVE: i was getting to that  
KANAYA: I Was Under The Impression That The Two Of Them Were Involved With Each Other And Not In A Quadrant That Would Suit Itself To Such Petty Inconveniences  
DAVE: im not sure honestly  
DAVE: like theyve broken up so many times at this point ive lost track  
ROSE: I believe they’re currently at the “flirting but keeping it casual” part of their own personal vicious cycle.  
ROSE: Honestly, someone really should sort them out.  
KARKAT: I STILL THINK THEY SHOULD JUST TRY BLACKROM BUT EVERY TIME I SUGGEST IT DAVE SAYS “dude you know humans and blackrom dont really mix” DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE HAVE ALL SEEN EGBERT MAKING SPADES EYES AT TEREZI—  
DAVE: dude if john says its not spades eyes then its not spades eyes  
KANAYA: Or Perhaps We Should All Agree That We Are Likely To Interpret Our Acquaintances Relationships Through The Lens Of The Cultures In Which We Grew Up And That While We Should Respect Each Others Boundaries We Should Also Be Aware That The Unique Insight We Can Provide Could Shed Helpful Light On An Otherwise Confusing Situation  
ROSE: Yes, I think that’s a very helpful way of looking at it. Especially given the tendency here on Earth C for various large-scale cultural exchanges: I understand that some humans have, in fact, become involved in black quadrants with trolls in quite healthy and stable kismesissitudes.  
ROSE: And I think we all know how good John is at keeping his emotions under wraps from himself, hmm?  
ROSE: But no, I don’t think Jake in particular is suited to a pitch romance. Dirk perhaps, but Jake? I don’t think the man is capable of noticing when someone is showing him antipathy.  
DAVE: ok look i just wanted to tell a funny story about dirk being a dick  
DAVE: we didnt need to get into all of this philosophical stuff  
DAVE: anyway jade wanted to know if id be down to join her if she went back to explore the place again  
DAVE: and i thought id come check with you karkat  
DAVE: didnt want to just fuck off for a few days without seeing if you needed anything first or whatever

Oh great, now Kanaya is giving him the Look. He knows the Look—Roxy was giving it to him earlier, and it’s practically impossible to peel it off of Rose’s face whenever Karkat comes up in their conversations. Dave quickly changes course.

DAVE: also rose youre more than welcome to come if you want  
DAVE: i mean i assume so i dont see why jade would mind that  
DAVE: apparently the architecture is kinda hostile to non-flyers so afraid that unless you guys wanna be carried for several days straight it might just be us going  
ROSE: Well I’m not opposed to coming and doing something useful, that’s for sure.  
ROSE: If my dear wife is quite alright with it, of course. I would hate to... what’s the phrase? “Fuck off for a few days without seeing if you needed anything first, or whatever”?

Rose’s grin is predatory. This is absolutely unfair.

KANAYA: Im Quite Sure I Shall Manage Without You Dear  
KANAYA: There Is Rather A Lot To Be Getting On With In The Brooding Caverns This Time Of The Sweep  
KANAYA: Though If Karkat Were To Need Company While Dave Was Away I Am Sure I Would Be Able To Find Time—  
KARKAT: FOR FUCKS SAKE, WILL YOU TWO QUIT IT? I SWEAR, KANAYA, GETTING HUMAN MARRIED HAS MADE ROMANCE GO TO YOUR HEAD. WE’RE HIVEMATES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DAVE WAS JUST BEING SLIGHTLY THOUGHTFUL — AND NORMALLY AT THIS POINT I WOULD MOCK HIM FOR CLEARING THE EXCEPTIONALLY LOW BAR HE CONSISTENTLY SETS FOR HIMSELF ON THIS FRONT BUT I ACTUALLY DON’T THINK IT’S THAT BIG OF A DEAL.  
KARKAT: SO DON’T YOU GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT RESPECTING DIRK AND JAKE’S BOUNDARIES AND THEN COME AT ME WITH THAT, KANAYA.

Kanaya has the decency to look bashful, and Rose nods thoughtfully. Dave is torn, because on the one hand he’s as sick as Karkat sounds of all the insinuations about their relationship, about how everyone makes assumptions based on their closeness, but on the other… 

DAVE: yeah come on kanaya gotta respect those boundaries  
DAVE: but yeah seriously ill check with jade on when shes planning to go back and keep you all clued in ok?  
ROSE: Thank you, Dave. I appreciate it.  
ROSE: And I am sorry if I’ve ever crossed either of your boundaries with any teasing.  
DAVE: thanks

Rose smiles softly and turns to Kanaya, softly brushing their hands together.

ROSE: I’m going to go and catch up with Roxy. Do you want to come along?  
ROSE: Worst case scenario is that we catch John’s attempts at flirting, which, frankly, would be hilarious.  
KANAYA: Hmm  
KANAYA: Yes That Does Sound Pleasant  
KANAYA: I Uh  
KANAYA: I Would Also Like To Extend My Apologies To Dave And Karkat Vis A Vis The Teasing  
KANAYA: I Would Hate To End Such A Fine Reunion On A Sour Note  
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY. IT’S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, KANAYA.  
DAVE: yeah you really should come up and see us surface dwellers more often kan kan  
DAVE: we throw the wildest parties  
DAVE: not to mention the top tier gossip like hot damn we are literally the subjects of magazine gossip columns of course weve got some spicy stuff going on  
DAVE: even if the spicy stuff is usually just the neverending dirk-jake disaster and the occasional furore when terezi bothers to send us a message  
DAVE: you know for a group of people in their late teens who are constantly in the public eye for the most important possible reason we have a surprisingly small amount of shit actually going on  
DAVE: now i think about it i mean  
DAVE: but somehow we still fill out columns and columns of magazine space every month like damn  
DAVE: they better be paying those journalists well for managing to dig up more gossip than i was even aware existed about me  
DAVE: did you know im hiding a secret pet in our hive karkat  
DAVE: because i didnt but apparently weve been keeping a fucking crocodile out of the view of the public and the gossip mags have the receipts to prove it  
DAVE: not like a lohac one just a regular earth crocodile  
KARKAT: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK  
DAVE: yeah thats pretty much my thought  
DAVE: anyway kanaya if you wanted to come spend more time on the surface with us that is the kind of quality service you can expect from journalists enquiring about you  
DAVE: it is an endless source of amusement and i cant recommend it enough  
DAVE: lately ive been going out of my way to buy crocodile treats just to mess with them  
DAVE: gotta give the public what they want  
DAVE: that is the price of fame  
KANAYA: I Was Not Aware That Owning An Earth Crocodile Was Particularly Gossip Worthy  
KANAYA: But I Suppose That Is Something We Can Discuss When I Next Resurface From The Caverns That I Spend Aeons In As Part Of My Sacred Duty To Our Species  
KANAYA: That Is To Say Probably In A Couple Weeks  
KANAYA: For Now I Will Bid You Farewell As It Would Be Nice To Catch Up With My Wifes Family While I Am Still Able To  
ROSE: It has, as always, been a pleasure to see you both. And happy birthday, Dave.  
DAVE: you too

There is a moment of silence as Kanaya and Rose leave the fireplace huddle. Karkat and Dave turn to watch them go before looking around the room, moving just that little bit closer together as they do so. Karkat takes a sip from his drink and makes a face.

DAVE: i take it the punch doesnt meet alternian standards  
KARKAT: UGH, YEAH, THIS STUFF IS JUST SHARP AND GROSSLY BITTER  
KARKAT: WHO EVEN MADE THIS ANYWAY?  
DAVE: i mean i know jane is hosting but im not sure drinks are really her forte  
DAVE: maybe she got some help with it from someone in the company  
DAVE: at least shes had the good sense not to put out soda this time after what happened with kanayas friend last time  
KARKAT: GOD DAMN, THAT WAS A ROUGH PARTY.  
DAVE: to be fair to jane soda is a pretty normal human drink  
KARKAT: I CANNOT COMPREHEND HOW YOUR SPECIES MANAGES TO DRINK THAT DISGUSTING SUGARY SHIT WITHOUT GOING COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE.  
KARKAT: GAMZEE USED TO DRINK IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. HE ALWAYS HAD HIS STUPID FUCKING BOTTLES OF FAYGO AND WOULD ASK US IF WE WANTED ANY.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS JUST A DUMBASS RATHER THAN A MURDEROUS ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: yeah i remember he trolled us a bunch back in the day  
DAVE: he seemed kinda harmlessly shitty so i always wondered how he ended up being a dangerous murderer we had to keep locked in a fridge  
DAVE: you dont talk about him that much  
KARKAT: YEAH WELL  
KARKAT: IT’S A SORE TOPIC OKAY.  
KARKAT: IF YOU MUST KNOW I USED TO HAVE A BIT OF A PALE CRUSH ON HIM  
KARKAT: AND SEEING SOMEONE YOU HAD HOPED COULD CALM YOU DOWN AND SUPPORT YOU GO ON A FUCKING MURDER SPREE THROUGH HALF OF YOUR REMAINING FRIENDS IS MORE THAN A LITTLE JARRING.  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: i mean i didnt mean to pry or anything and you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to  
DAVE: and i know i can be a bit shitty about not getting quadrants but im sorry you had to go through that  
KARKAT: THANKS, DAVE.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU HOLDING UP OKAY? I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THE OTHERS WERE HERE BUT I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING RUN-INS WITH DIRK.  
DAVE: yeah i mean its still chill  
DAVE: it just really sucks because i want to like dirk you know  
DAVE: hes a cool guy and i think he would be fun to hang out with and get to know  
DAVE: not to mention how fucking sweet it is to have another master of the ironic arts to riff with  
DAVE: but it doesnt matter how long i take  
DAVE: every time he talks i still hear bro  
DAVE: and that fucking sucks for me but it fucking sucks for him too like holy shit nobody deserves to be compared to that asshole  
DAVE: especially not dirk  
DAVE: i think it was a little easier this time because bro was never exactly one for telling stories  
DAVE: or talking at length at all honestly  
DAVE: so my brain could go “oh yeah thats definitely dirk” a bit more easily

Dave flags down a passing waiter (holy shit, Jane throws the fanciest fucking parties) and grabs a few canapés. They’re tiny circles of toast topped with soft cheese and half a sliced sun-dried cherry tomato—Dave happily scarfs his first one down while Karkat picks one up and eyes it suspiciously.

KARKAT: AND YOU’RE SURE YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO EXPLORING?  
DAVE: its just the one trip  
DAVE: figure ill give it a go and see what happens  
DAVE: if youre ok with it  
DAVE: i know rose and kanaya did their whole stupid thing because of it but it wouldnt be cool of me to leave you behind like that  
KARKAT: YEAH IT’S FINE BY ME. I’M NOT GOING TO STOP YOU GOING OR ANYTHING. JUST DON’T LEAVE FOREVER; WHO THE FUCK ELSE AM I GOING TO YELL AT ABOUT ROM COMS WITH?  
DAVE: bro you know i would never leave you hanging on a rom com shouting match  
DAVE: somebodys gotta keep your trashy opinions in check

Karkat huffs and folds his arms across his chest, puffing out his cheeks in what Dave knows is faux-outrage, his cheeks tinted slightly red. Dave feels the sudden urge to ruffle his hair, but holds back, instead smirking as he devours his second cheese-toast-thing. After a moment, Karkat’s expression softens, and he turns back to look at Dave.

KARKAT: WELL, I’M GOING TO GO AND CATCH UP WITH SOME OF THE OTHERS. GRAB ME WHEN YOU’RE READY TO LEAVE?  
DAVE: sounds sweet  
DAVE: catch you later

And with that, Karkat flashes Dave a brief, small smile, before wandering off into the crowd.


	6. 4

The continent formerly known as Australia (and currently considered just a large, wild landmass of unclaimed territory outside of the four kingdoms, the sheer number of wild beasts—whether native to Earth or Alternia—that prowl it making it vastly more dangerous than it has ever been) is not exactly the sort of place that one would expect to see a large replica of the Statue of Liberty, but if Dave has learned one thing in his few years on Earth C it is that Shitty Liberties end up just about everywhere you look. Three-hundred feet of pure, American freedom, infused with the finest JPEG artefacts that technology could create and left, tilted and half-sunk in a clearing of a forest. Even from this distance, Dave can make out the weird angles and miscoloured pixels. It is beautiful, and he stops in the air to admire his alternate-self’s handiwork.

Jade and Rose, of course, have no such appreciation for Art, and fly on ahead anyway. Jade yells as she passes.

JADE: last one theres a rotten egg!

Dave absolutely will _not_ be the rotten egg, but he’s not going to let that get in the way of his enjoyment of spectacle. He floats for a moment, watching as the two of them shoot past him, Jade’s hair whipping behind her in the wind, and narrows his eyes as he scans the statue for what he’s looking for. In the end, he doesn’t see the speck of red until it moves, floating down to meet the distant pinpricks that Jade and Rose have become. Satisfied that his strategy isn’t going to doom him, he pulls out his timetables and pops back ten minutes, flying over to the Shitty Liberty and resting on its shoulder.

Time shenanigans are exhausting and the stress of using them for anything serious drives him crazy, but Dave is more than willing to use them to mess with his friends.

When Jade and Rose catch up to him, ten minutes later, he floats down to them.

DAVE: sup rotten eggs  
DAVE: you both got here at the same time so i guess youre both rotten eggs now  
DAVE: sorry i dont make the rules  
JADE: you cheated!!! >:(  
DAVE: nah its not cheating  
DAVE: just because i was already here when you issued the challenge doesnt make the challenge invalid

Jade pouts; Rose smirks.

ROSE: The important thing is that we’ve made it in one piece. I don’t much fancy another encounter with one of those herds of gargantuan spiders.  
ROSE: I know that they pose very little threat to us but that is still a deeply unnerving sight.  
ROSE: And frankly, the sooner we can get inside the better.  
JADE: of course! the entrance is down at the base, follow me

Jade begins to float briskly downward, and Dave and Rose follow her, cautiously scanning the trees around them for more dangerous fauna. When they land, Jade is already fiddling with the large door in the base of the statue, heaving against it with her legs braced against the wall.

JADE: why... did dirk... have to close it... ARGH!

She gives it one more shove, and the door opens with a sudden burst of motion. Jade is thrown backwards a few feet, flipping head over tail, before righting herself mid-air and stroking down her skirt.

JADE: right, sorry about that  
JADE: the door was really jammed when we first got here :(  
JADE: i think theres probably some artefacts inside the hinges  
DAVE: sweet  
ROSE: It’s hardly “sweet”. It’s just yet another inconvenience of these shitty things.  
DAVE: yeah but its also kinda funny  
DAVE: like look at how the door itself is pretty free of artefacts  
DAVE: just a perfectly normal door on an otherwise kinda shitty plinth which invites you to think “damn i could open this”  
DAVE: and then the same shittiness that is fucking up the plinth is keeping the door shut even though it looks normal???  
DAVE: this is some high quality low quality work and i am living for it  
JADE: dont worry about him rose, he always gets like this around the shitty liberties  
DAVE: no i get it  
DAVE: i know that it takes a rare soul to appreciate this kind of artwork  
DAVE: i live a lonely life jade  
ROSE: Right well I’m going to check out the inside. David, if you want to stay here and admire the hinges by yourself, be my guest. Are you coming, Jade?  
JADE: right behind you! :)

Dave sighs and shakes his head. _Philistines_. He follows on behind them, anyway.

The inside of the structure is a beautiful, escherian stairwell, full of nonsense stairs that lead to nowhere, themselves all made up of strange, alien angles that absolutely should not ever be used in stair construction. Cautiously, Dave dips down out of the air and presses a foot softly against one of them. It immediately slides wildly around on the surface, and he floats upwards to avoid falling down in a beautiful but probably quite painful fashion.

The stairs, dog. The _stairs_.

DAVE: so how much of this place is there  
DAVE: you guys said youd been exploring for a while when jake had his unfortunate accident with the secret door  
JADE: yeah theres quite a lot of room in here!  
JADE: i actually had to fly around the outside real quick to get a sense for the size of it all when we first checked it out  
JADE: i was worried that it didnt add up and there was some weird spacey magic at play  
JADE: but it just about checks out  
ROSE: Just about?  
JADE: it might be about half an inch smaller on the outside than the inside? it was just a rough, five second estimate :/  
DAVE: i mean lets be honest because this is an alternate me were talking about  
DAVE: you know if i was able to make something that was bigger on the inside i would probably do something subtle and pointless like that  
ROSE: Yes, that I can very much imagine. And stop messing around with the stairs, Dave, you know they’re slippery.  
DAVE: it keeps happening

Shaking her head, Rose turns away from him. Jade shoots him a look as if to say “why are you like this?” Dave just smirks and presses his foot against the stairs one last time before floating on after them, spinning nonchalantly.

It isn’t very long before the three of them come across a hallway connecting two nonsense stairwells on either end, the hallway itself slanted at an awkward angle relative to the already uncomfortably-skewed Liberty. Jade hovers along one of the walls, frowning in concentration and humming to herself, trailing one finger along the surface to look for some hidden indentation. After a moment she grins, and presses her whole hand up against the wall—a small square panel moves with her, and a loud clunk of machinery starting up echoes throughout the hall. Dave and Rose twist and turn frantically, before spotting the wall receding. In the hall beyond, piles of scattered technology lie haphazardly on the floor and the workbench.

Sadly the lights are already on. Dave stares solemnly at the flimsy filament lightbulb that hangs at the far end of the corridor, frowning as he imagines the beautiful spectacle Dirk described. The lightbulb flickers.

DAVE: damn cant believe you didnt save the light show for me  
DAVE: flew all the way out here for it too  
DAVE: i want to see the manager  
ROSE: Oh, hush you. You know full well that there’s far more interesting things here than a motion-controlled light switch.  
DAVE: this is outrageous  
DAVE: the worst customer service i have ever received  
DAVE: im going to leave a one star review for this place on yelp if they dont get their act together

Dave glances around the strange room. Some of the things stored in here were uncannily familiar—although he supposes he should have expected that. Still, there is something deeply uncomfortable about seeing Phernalia outside of Sburb, even things as harmlessly pointless as the Intellibeam Laserstation. He hangs back by the doorway as the others float inside, his eyes darting from corner to corner behind his shades.

JADE: are you coming?  
DAVE: yeah just give me a sec  
DAVE: something about this place feels off is all

Jade shrugs and heads over to a pile of crates, gently levering the lid off of one. Rose turns around and floats back towards him, pulling out her needles and smiling. 

ROSE: Dave, I can assure you that nothing in here is going to hurt you. I will personally see to it that anything that tries is blasted to smithereens.  
ROSE: And if there is anything less tangible that you are worried about, I will try to blast that to smithereens as well.  
DAVE: do you think dirk was right?  
DAVE: that all of this stuff is just a link back to the medium or whatever  
ROSE: I have no idea, Dave. I’m curious to see what he’s cooking up back home.  
ROSE: But if you’re worried about there being a way back into the Game I can quite confidently tell you that I do not think such a thing exists.  
ROSE: I have quite a compelling theory on the matter, if you would like to hear it some time.  
DAVE: you know most of the time when you say something like that i have absolutely no intention of ever indulging you at all and we both know it  
DAVE: but that actually sounds like it could be quite helpful

Rose smirks, and holds out a hand for Dave to take.

ROSE: I thought it might be. Come on, let’s go take a look at some of this stuff.

Dave follows his sister inside, his eyes darting around them. The room is very much as Dirk described—the left wall is completely dominated by a four-part screen, long and tall, that runs down the vast majority of the length of the room. On the right, a workbench covered with bits and pieces of Game technology runs all the way from the doorway to the far wall.

Dave floats over to the Intellibeam Laserstation, curiously. It is surrounded by spare parts and tools, and a few diagrams in orange ink that Dirk must have left behind when he was here. Dave leafs through the paper, his eyes idly skimming over Dirk’s handwriting. It’s neater than his own, he notes, but still a little messy, an angular, efficient print.

The Laserstation itself is still a piece of shit, of course. Dave gives it a gentle shove and it skids a few inches across the desk. He’s almost tempted to knock it off, but decides against it—what if Dirk wanted to come and look at it again? He decides instead to check with Dirk later and destroy it once he approves.

By the time he’s turned around, Rose has floated a little way away. He hovers over to join her as she stares down at a large transportalizer on the floor, biting her lower lip and frowning.

DAVE: oh great more of these fucking things  
DAVE: just zap yourself somewhere without a fucking clue where you were going to end up  
DAVE: we were pretty fucking stupid as kids werent we  
DAVE: “oh hey theres a teleportation pad im just gonna stand on it and see where it goes”  
DAVE: “absolutely nothing about this plan can possibly backfire and cause me harm”  
ROSE: Speak for yourself, Dave. Some of us tried using them before we even knew they could teleport us.  
ROSE: And also while we were anxiously waiting for a certain someone to help get us out of the way of a large meteor.  
DAVE: yeah well like i said  
DAVE: we were pretty fucking stupid as kids  
DAVE: anywhere whered you reckon this goes  
ROSE: I’m not sure, but thank goodness you’ve already outlined the most popular strategy for finding out.  
JADE: im not sure where that transportalizer goes so dont go and disappear without me okay?  
JADE: we didnt try it out when we were here  
DIRK: It just leads to a storage room. I told you that last time we were here, remember?

Dave wheels around sharply at the sound of Dirk’s drawl. Dirk is leaning up against the doorframe again, casual as always, his anime shades glinting in the bright light of the hidden room. His face is, as always, inscrutable, but there’s a near-unnoticeable smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. He pushes himself up from the doorframe and floats casually over to Jade, who is frowning at him in confusion.

Dave’s not quite sure when Dirk decided to invite himself along for the trip — he certainly didn’t mention it to any of the others, if the surprise on their faces is anything to go by.

JADE: yeah... yeah youre right :/  
JADE: must have slipped my mind  
DIRK: It’s cool. I’m not trying to have a go at you or anything. Just figured I’d drop by, since I managed to get all of my work on the Laserstation done early.  
ROSE: And you just felt you’d drop in unannounced?  
DIRK: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?

Rose frowns and shakes her head.

ROSE: I’d just have preferred a little warning is all.  
DAVE: yeah no offence dude but you are stealthy as shit  
DIRK: My bad, I thought a pleasant surprise might be fun. I’ll call ahead next time.  
DIRK: So, have we found anything of interest?

Dave darts back to the Laserstation and grabs Dirk’s notes, passing them over to him. Dirk nods gratefully, stashing them away with a quick and fluid motion.

DAVE: well im not sure your notes are what you meant but i did find those  
DAVE: but nah weve only just gotten started  
DAVE: you know anywhere you haven’t looked yet that might be a good start  
DIRK: I don’t think we spent too much time going through the boxes over there. Might have something interesting in them.  
DIRK: Or of course they could have nothing at all. Whole place might just be a big statue full of useless junk.  
DIRK: Somehow, though, I think that’s unlikely. Bro was an expert at ironic expression, but I think even he would know that laying an obvious hook like this ought to at least have something interesting behind it.  
ROSE: Plus you couldn’t resist coming back here to look for links to canon, could you?  
DIRK: What can I say? I find that sort of thing fascinating. I know you do, too.  
ROSE: Of course.  
DIRK: Besides, I was right: building an Intellibeam Laserstation from scratch without grist just doesn’t work. I took one apart back at my workshop — one from the Game, I mean — and confirmed that all the parts were the same as this one here, and then tried to build an identical copy and gave it a spin.  
DIRK: Nothing happened, of course. The technology of the Game is as much narrative as it is mechanical. You can build a copy of a Laserstation, or a Cruxtruder, or any other Phernalia from scratch and that’s all it is — a copy. A degree removed from the narratively significant original.  
DIRK: But this one here? This one works. Try turning it on.

Cautiously, Dave moves over to the workbench, and activates the Laserstation — it powers on with a low whir. Dirk nods sharply.

DIRK: I don’t know what the three of you had on your Earth, but on ours there were always signs of Game technology. Hell, Roxy practically grew up surrounded by the stuff, as well as a small colony of the chess people.  
DIRK: I know our universe was uniquely messed up, especially since Roxy and I lived so long after the Game had technically begun, but it’s always seemed strange to me that things like that had made their way out into the world.  
ROSE: It was the same for me, though not to quite the same level that Roxy had. Near our home there was a laboratory that was clearly marked as Skaianet property, with transportalizers and even a rudimentary ectobiology setup if I recall correctly.  
JADE: and grandpa had set up transportalizers for the grand staircase in our home!  
JADE: i didnt even realise those were supposed to be things from the game until much later.  
DIRK: Yes, that’s the exact sort of thing I mean. Weird appearances of things from the Game in the real world. I know that paradox space builds itself on this kind of impossible thing, the fact that destiny and the Game are so carefully intertwined.  
DIRK: But only so much of this can be attributed to the obscure mechanisms by which paradox space self-propagates, the inevitability of the narrative that propels universes to their demise and raises new worlds from their ashes. The existence of these things, of this Phernalia, outside of the Game suggests that we were perhaps not the only people destined to enter the Medium — or, perhaps, that people who were not destined to have managed to regardless.  
ROSE: It is true that we weren’t the only players on our Earth...  
ROSE: The Game had a public release, albeit in early access. There were thousands of sessions, although very few made it particularly far into the Game.  
ROSE: I cannot recall off the top of my head if anyone else who was writing walkthroughs described making it into the Medium, but I would not write it off as impossible, even if they did make it into a doomed session.  
ROSE: Or perhaps they were not doomed at all?  
DIRK: I don’t think there’s any way we could tell. But I can say for fuckin sure that Bro had access to at least some part of the Game.  
JADE: um  
DIRK: I suppose he had a unique advantage on our Earth. Without a Reckoning from our Session, there was nothing to stop him from starting up a new session in the interim.  
DIRK: But I’m getting ahead of myself. The important thing is that if there exists a way to make an Intellibeam Laserstation then there exists a way into the Medium. Which could be useful if we ever needed to get anything from there.  
DIRK: Or if we just fancied visiting for a kick. Bet Egbert would be happy to go chasin’ after that blind troll if he knew he could.  
JADE: guys  
DIRK: I’m hoping of course that this means we still have some link, however tenuous, with canon.  
DIRK: Rose is right to say that I have a fascination with canon — or, more accurately, the narrative ontology of our entire existence, of which canon is a central component. I know we’ve all joked about it before, but it seems like this way of framing our lives is really a deeper, fundamental truth about the world (or worlds) that we inhabit. We cannot see it directly, sitting as we do in Plato’s cave, watching the puppet-master’s shadows dance on the wall, flickering in the firelight of our own fuckin universe-destroying  
JADE: DIRK STRIDER WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND ABOUT NARRATIVES!! I AM TRYING TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!!!

Jade’s shouts echo through the metal room, reverberating off the walls. Dirk turns his head imperceptibly toward her in response — Dave doesn’t so much as see it happen as _know_ that it has happened, most likely because he is doing the same.

Jade is holding up a pair of faded brown envelopes, sitting atop the lid of one of the large crates that fill the room. She fans them and holds them out toward the room at large, waving them impatiently until somebody (Rose, it would seem) steps forward to collect them.

JADE: okay so i found these in this big crate  
JADE: and as much as i love your philosophy lessons dirk, i really think youre going to want to see this :P

Dave and Dirk slowly float over to join the others, apprehensive. As he approaches, Dave notices the writing on the envelopes. It is evidently his own — it is in his signature red ink, as well as his own recognisable messy chicken-scratch. The first envelope, which Jade hands to Dirk, is quite large, the kind of envelope that you might expect to find a dossier of legal papers inside, the back held firm with stiff card. The writing on the top simply reads, in comically small writing for the size of the envelope:

lil bro

The second envelope is much smaller, more like a tiny letter or even a small card. Despite its size, the front of the card is completely crowded with red scrawl, a mess that would be almost incomprehensible if Dave weren’t so used to it:

 ~~dave~~ ~~me~~ ~~other me~~ ~~dav~~  
~~fuck how do i address this fucking thing~~  
~~mr dave s~~  
dave strider, probably


	7. 5

sup me

ok ill be honest i have no idea if youll ever make it here to see this and im already feeling kinda stupid for even starting to write this note you know. i mean how the fuck are you going to find this??? but i figured i was writing a note to our lil bro and i might as well send something along to you too

im sure you probably have a million questions. youre like one of those tiny little local stores thats going out of business and all your questions must go. gonna get all up in my face with that big sign that says “70% off ALL questions” because you got so many that you wanna get through and alright this probably isnt my best analogy ever but i think after killing some clowns on top of the white house i fucking earned a bad analogy pass

so heres the situation: rose and i have figured out all of this bullshit about where weve come from and the game and all that shit. i say “and i” like i had any input but come on dude this is rose were talking about shes just obnoxiously good at figuring this shit out. and now im wondering if you even got to know your rose and thats not a thought i like whoops ok new train of thought lets go were a shitty passenger changing trains like choo choo motherfucker lets get off this shitty track and go somewhere else

fuck i am just not on top of my game today am i

so basically rose and i have like deconstructed bits of the game that some kids who were pretty sure are our genetic ancestors started playing a while back and also in the future (?) and shes figured out a decent amount about what it does. not that any of it makes any sense but you know what ive been fighting a weird fish bug alien using ironic movies for a while now so i think i gave up on things making sense you know? anyway dont ask how she figured it out because honestly that woman scares me but apparently its impossible for the game session that created us to be the one that those kids are playing. everytime i ask tho she just says “Look outside, David” which ok thats not even my real name and also isnt very helpful but thats rose for you

her thinking is that theres some other universe where we were the ones who played the game and then somehow paradox’d our way into making this universe happen instead. kinda like a back to the future kinda situation where fucking marty mcfly hitches a ride back to the past but then instead of biff being less shitty to his dad he somehow manages to get entire generations of biffs swapped around i guess? side note: time travel movies are fucking stupid and if anyone invents time travel there is absolutely no way its gonna work like that

right anyway i guess thats why im writing this note? like im sort of naively hoping that if your universe or game or whatever ended up being responsible for making ours happen that maybe youre gonna find a way to come along for the ride. and maybe thats stupid but you know what if youve got your own version of rose with you i dont think i would doubt for a moment that she wouldnt tear the universe apart to find a way

god damn i am getting fucking SAPPY today ok were changing trains again. gonna be hopping carriage to carriage like a fucking kangaroo like nope we didnt wanna be over there actually and if you try to stop me changing trains im gonna beat you the fuck up with my kangaroo kicks. fuck it im leaving this letter in australia now and its going to be thematic as fuck

so thats how i know you exist i guess. i promise im not just writing this letter just to be a smug asshole about how smart rose is or to make a total fucking idiot of myself though because i have some fucking sweet advice for you in case you ever wanted an alternate version of yourself to give you advice? i dunno now i write it down that sounds fucking stupid why would anyone find themselves in that situation but whatever lets fucking do this:

1) irony is never not cool but its ok to keep it real occasionally to tell the people you care about that you care about them. like fuck you have no idea how much ive regretted keeping up my coolguy mask sometimes and if rose has taught me anything in the last couple months its that people you care about arent gonna think less of you if you let it slip. i dunno maybe you know this already like its some big fucking obvious life lesson that anyone with a sane upbringing would know but i had to raise myself from a fucking meteor crash without any help so cut me a little slack okay

2) fighting fucking sucks. like holy shit dude i cannot tell you how little i want to fight anyone ever again after chopping up the presidents and the sooner this fight against the batterwitch is over the better. i dont know if this is something youll ever have to deal with and i really hope it isnt but dude you absolutely should not feel bad if you dont want to fight. people literally praise me as a hero of the fucking resistance and im scared shitless of this stuff

ok so ive just stared at this page for like a good thirty minutes debating whether to tell you something personal which is so fucking stupid because you are literally a version of me??? but i think part of me is holding back because i feel less and less like im qualified to give you this advice. like what the fuck do i know im just some dude who has barely got his life together despite being an international celebrity and symbolic leader of a planet-wide resistance and im talking to a guy who might not even exist and if he did then he had a hand in causing my whole fucking universe to be the way it is

god fucking dammit dave strider. you are one cool motherfucker

there is so fucking much i want to tell you. i want to tell you all about the jpeg artefact generation techniques ive come up with. i want to tell you all about how i played hollywood at their own fucking game and won. i want to tell you all about what the horizon looks like from five thousand feet up on a shitty skateboard that absolutely should not be able to fly. hell i want to tell you all about the time ben fucking stiller gave me his sunglasses and told me that they looked better on me than they did on him

but theres only so much space on this shitty notepad and only so much time i can sit here writing a letter you probably wont ever read so im going to leave you with this:

dont let anyone fucking tell you what you have to do. youre dave goddamn strider and you are the coolest damn dude who has ever existed in this or any universe. trust me. im something of an authority on dave striders

and if you ever meet him be good to our lil bro ok? he deserves at least one of us to be there for him


	8. 6

The sun is hanging low in the sky, almost lazily hovering over the horizon, painting the world in reds and oranges. Reds are burned onto Dave’s retinas right now—he’s sitting on the shoulder of the Shitty Liberty, re-reading the letter from his alternate self until he has every word memorised. The warm glow of the evening light floods his page like firelight, and he starts to have to strain to make the ink out on the page, but he doesn’t want to stop reading, or move.

In a way, the document reminds him of the doomed Dave’s he encountered in the Medium. Here before him is the remnant of a Dave Strider that he never was, a dead husk of himself that lies there, empty and unchanging, bleeding where the pen presses too hard into the paper. It’s him but at the same time it isn’t. A life he never got to live, and he knows that it was certainly cut short.

He’s only met one other doomed Dave that could approach him with advice, and honestly? His alternate self was a hell of a lot better at it than that feathery asshole. Perhaps that was unfair. Davesprite had been a great guide in the Game, but he wasn’t quite the same as this Dave—a whole other person who lived a whole other life would of course have more advice for him than a doomed version of himself from a few months in the future. There was no way this other Dave could have known it, but there was stuff in his letter that Dave needed to hear. Or, maybe, that’s exactly why he knew it?

Eventually, as the sun dips below the horizon and the light gets too dim to properly see, he folds the note up carefully with a gentleness that he hasn’t known since he last saw the Mayor, and slips it into his pocket. This note, he thinks to himself, he wants to keep on himself, not stored away on some captcha card. Once he’s sure that the note is safe, he leans forward, putting his weight onto his arms and just takes in the view over the formerly Australian wilderness.

He doesn’t notice when Rose floats up next him.

ROSE: Hey you.  
DAVE: hey  
ROSE: You’ve been up here a while. Thought I’d come and check in on you.  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: rose have i ever told you how awesome you are?  
ROSE: Not nearly as often as you should have. Why do you ask?  
DAVE: this other dave really looked up to his version of rose  
DAVE: and i dunno it got me thinking  
DAVE: youre scary but also without you i would be both dead and probably also would have ceased to exist so  
DAVE: thanks for all that

Rose tilts her head, her lips drawn thin. She doesn’t say anything, though—she just scoots up next to him on the shoulder of the Liberty, and leans up against him. He tries not to tense up at the sudden contact, and judging by the fact that she doesn’t leap away he reckons he gets it right.

For a minute or so, the two of them just sit there, staring out at the horizon and listening to the sound of each other’s breath, and the quiet hum of life in the forest below.

DAVE: can you explain the canon thing to me  
DAVE: i was talking to john about it at the party and im not really sure i can wrap my head around it  
DAVE: like if were talking about the canon of our story  
DAVE: how is this not canon?  
DAVE: you and dirk keep talking about it like its some other thing and i feel completely lost

Rose pauses for a moment, and sits up straighter. Dave’s shoulder feels the cool breeze of twilight air.

ROSE: It’s a curious idea that Dirk and I have stumbled our way into over the last couple months, I’ll admit.  
ROSE: It was sparked by a philosophical interest in the nature of John’s abilities in contrast with your own. Of course, you understand the difference on a much more intuitive level than either of us ever could, but I don’t suppose that helps you explain it to an outsider, does it?  
DAVE: nah i just look at what john does and its like i go into fight or flight  
DAVE: what i do is like how paradox space is meant to function  
DAVE: its completely insane but its how the world works  
DAVE: literally it is a fundamental component of the building blocks of reality if im getting my sburb lore right  
DAVE: but what he does just breaks every single one of the rules into tiny little pieces with one of his stupid hammers  
DAVE: probably the zillyhoo one i fucking hate that thing  
ROSE: Yes that’s what I thought. It’s not easy to think about the distinction, but you know that there is a difference there.  
ROSE: Unfortunately for us players who have not been blessed with the aspect of Time, we have to put in some effort to spot that difference, and then even more to make any sense of what it is that we’re seeing.  
ROSE: It was John himself who gave us the clue that we needed to figure it out, of course. He coined the term “unstuck in canon”, which was clearly just his way of trying to relate his experiences to a framework with which he was familiar — that is, fiction and narrative structure.  
ROSE: In hindsight, it shouldn’t be surprising that such a framework is a good fit for the lives that we’ve lived. The rules of conditional immortality are uncomfortably close to describing narrative closure, for example.  
ROSE: And when one starts to view the world as a narrative, as a text, one immediately asks a number of questions.  
DAVE: i mean yeah  
DAVE: “whos writing this shit” springs to mind  
ROSE: Yes, though that is a question that ultimately ends up being about as interesting as people back on Earth — our Earth — debating theology, which is to say: not at all. With no verifiable answer, the question is all but meaningless.  
ROSE: But for us the question that we really wanted to know the answer to was simple: if our lives are a text, then what, precisely, is that text’s canon?

Rose pauses to let the question sink in, even though it was a rather obvious question. Dave bites back his sarcastic reply and hums along thoughtfully. That is, after all, the question he’d asked her. He might as well let her answer it rhetorically.

ROSE: Consider the rampage of Lord English through the Furthest Ring. If our lives are a text, then it is undoubtable that he is the villain — his coming is not inevitable by nature of his being but by his role within the text, because a text is immutable.  
ROSE: And consider that all that we did was in a sense in opposition to him. The Condesce was his servant, albeit one who intended to rebel. The demonic Jack Noir from the second session was of course possessed by his spirit. And, of course, Vriska left us all to oversee that final battle.  
ROSE: But if his inevitability and indestructibility is a canonical fact, then it is clear that our only means of evading him is to escape from canon itself. Thus, it is our belief that we are currently outside of the text that forms canon. Indeed, that all of Earth C is.  
DAVE: so were just not in a text any more?  
DAVE: goddammit rose if youre going to talk about rosencrantz and guildenstern again  
ROSE: I’m not, don’t worry. I personally think that we are in a text. After all, Stoppard’s play is still a text, even if it is not the canonical one.  
DAVE: oh god its even worse  
DAVE: youre talking about fanfiction arent you  
ROSE: I wouldn’t use that kind of terminology, insomuch as “fanfiction” implies the existence of a “fan”. The idea of text in this framework remains wholly abstract, and I’m not sure that an audience really ought to be considered here. Consider it more a question of the metaphysical nature of reality than a completely literal descriptor.  
ROSE: But other than that, yes. If we are inside any text at all, as I believe we are, that text is certainly not canonical.  
ROSE: Which is, of course, why Dirk has such an obsession with the idea. He is loath to admit it, but I believe he is frightened by the lack of validation offered by non-canonical existence.  
DAVE: right ok but what difference does it make  
ROSE: To us as we live our day to day lives? None whatsoever.  
ROSE: If our lives have changed at all, it is in a manner that transcends our experience and matters only in the sense that all ontological pedantry matters.  
ROSE: If you don’t think about it too hard, it’s something that absolutely cannot affect your life.  
ROSE: Unfortunately, Dirk and I have rather a bad habit of thinking about things too hard. There’s something deeply unnerving about realising that you are not the canonical version of yourself.

Rose pauses again. This time, Dave appreciates it—there is a kind of existential horror in her words. Perhaps the idea resonates so strongly with him because he is so used to worrying about becoming a doomed Dave, not being a part of the alpha timeline. It sounds familiar, only this is a fear that he can do absolutely nothing to prevent.

ROSE: Does that make sense, though?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i think so??  
DAVE: i guess ive always thought of canon as meaning something like truth so the idea of being here and not being canonical made no sense to me  
DAVE: but it sounds like youre saying it means something different  
DAVE: more abstract and philosophical  
ROSE: It is a level of abstraction above the truth, in a way.  
ROSE: When looking at multiple truths, one can ask which one of the multitude is canonical.  
ROSE: At the end of the day, it doesn’t stop anything that happens outside of canon from being true. Or even being, for that matter.  
DAVE: sweet  
DAVE: so dirk is literally worrying about nothing

Rose laughs, her voice a windchime: melodic, bright.

ROSE: Yes, as is usual for anyone who ponders about metaphysics. A lot of these things are of deep and fundamental importance to the nature of our world, but ironically have little to no actual importance to our lives.  
ROSE: What’s got you interested in canon, anyway? I didn’t think this sort of philosophy was your wheelhouse.  
DAVE: nah its not at all  
DAVE: like damn my head hurts already and weve been talking for what  
DAVE: five minutes tops??  
DAVE: but john brought it up at the party and you and dirk keep going on about it  
DAVE: and its kinda like you said with the whole lord english situation where weve just run away from all that  
DAVE: i uh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ive been having nightmares about him  
DAVE: kinda to the point that ive barely slept in a month

He turns away from her a little, but a part of him can’t resist watching her out of the corner of his eyes, from behind his shades. Her eyes widen in surprise, and her face falls.

ROSE: Oh, _Dave_.

She scoots back to his side and wraps her arms around him. Dave leans into the hug a fraction. She speaks into his side, muffled, her face buried in his sleeve.

ROSE: Do you know why? I mean, do you think it’s trauma, or something else?  
ROSE: Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you in either case. I want you to know that.  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i think its pretty obvious that theres some trauma stuff going on lets be honest here  
DAVE: but i think this is  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i never liked that people kept saying i had to kill him  
DAVE: or defeat him or whatever like that was such a bullshit destiny and i wanted nothing to do with it  
DAVE: the less killing lord english i do the better  
DAVE: and maybe thats selfish because hes out there destroying universes and blowing up trillions of ghosts and probably a bunch of not-ghosts too  
DAVE: and if it makes me a coward then you know what  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: im a coward  
DAVE: so when i saw the chance to cheat and kill that weird possessed jack noir instead i grabbed that fucker with both hands  
DAVE: and invested literally everything ive got into hoping that would “count”  
DAVE: but what if it didnt  
DAVE: what if i have to fight him again  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: so i guess what im getting at is that if i can wrap my head around exactly how possible that is maybe i can put all of this stress that is hanging over me down

Rose is looking at him thoughtfully now. For a while, she doesn’t speak, though not for lack of trying—her mouth opens and shuts several times, as if she’s not quite sure how to phrase her response. He watches as she struggles, and his heart sinks in his chest just a little. When you have a problem that Rose can’t even find a way to answer, you know it can’t be good.

And then, after what seems like an infinite moment that spans no more than twenty five seconds, Rose asks him a question.

ROSE: Have you ever spoken with Davepeta?

The question comes out of nowhere. Dave whirls to face Rose, his brows furrowed in confusion.

DAVE: davepeta  
DAVE: you mean the sprite that is half a doomed dave and half a troll i roleplayed with for a couple hours  
DAVE: yeah no funnily enough i havent  
DAVE: davesprite was bad enough  
ROSE: Ah, but there is a worthwhile reason to. A difference between Davepeta and Davesprite.  
ROSE: And not the obvious bit where they’re half catgirl, I mean.  
ROSE: A sprite^2 is quite a different being to a sprite; they have a whole additional layer of narrative awareness, which is how sprites become such helpful guides in the Game in the first place.  
ROSE: I spoke with Jasprose about it once, the shared experience of being... well, being Rose Lalonde. And she had quite interesting things to say on the matter.  
ROSE: It seems that by heightening her narrative awareness through her double prototyping, she had access to the memories and knowledge of many Roses who have lived many lives. Almost as if there is some kind of unifying core of Rose Lalonde from which each version of me draws, or perhaps a platonic ideal of Rose Lalonde of which I am but an imperfect shadow.  
ROSE: She called it the Ultimate Self.  
ROSE: I imagine that Davepeta similarly has access to your Ultimate Self, which is to say that they can (should they choose) quite literally be you. Or have been you, rather.  
ROSE: Speaking with a sprite^2 can be quite disorienting when you get to discussing these things.

Rose smiles and shrugs, none too happy about having to acknowledge an intellectual feat as challenging. Dave nods, thoughtfully. He’s not entirely sure he understands what she’s talking about—a version of himself that is the ideal Dave? What would that even mean?

And if Davepeta did know everything that every version of him knew, did that mean that they knew what was going through the head of the man who wrote him that note? Did the three of them share some kind of real bond, not some imagined connection of Davehood but a real, true shared nature that transcended them?

And if they were all just shadows of the perfect Dave, what of the hundreds of doomed Daves?

ROSE: Despite that, I think it could be very valuable for you to talk with them. About this, of course, but also in general.  
ROSE: There is quite possibly nobody else in the universe who is capable of understanding you the way that they can.  
DAVE: ok but what does that have to do with canon  
DAVE: and lord english and all that shit too  
ROSE: It has everything to do with it.  
ROSE: Sprite^2s have reached a level of narrative knowledge that allows them to perceive their Ultimate Self, and the Ultimate Self transcends narrative, transcends an individual text. That is to say, it transcends the very nature of canon.  
ROSE: The Ultimate Self is above texts, but its shadows are cast in all of them. In this way, it bridges disparate texts.  
ROSE: If there were any way for us to have knowledge of canon, then our Ultimate Selves are the way to go about it.  
DAVE: ok so let me get this straight  
DAVE: youre saying that sprite^2s can read other texts  
DAVE: how does that help us?  
ROSE: Beyond them being able to provide us with obscure but relevant guidance? In and of itself, it doesn’t.  
ROSE: But I don’t believe that it is only sprite^2s who can perceive the Ultimate Self, and seek out its knowledge, its experiences.  
ROSE: I firmly believe that we can as well.

Dave tilts his head and takes a moment to process what Rose has said. It sounds a little to him like Rose has started indulging her old tendencies—her seeking knowledge, no matter how dangerous the process or indeed the knowledge itself, at all costs. He’s worried… but, intrigued? Yeah, he’s intrigued — even if he doesn’t fully understand just yet, he wants to.

ROSE: Assume, for a moment, that we have escaped canon, that we are in some non-canonical text that exercises no power over canon at all.  
ROSE: In such a text, it would not be possible for you to fulfill that destiny, not truly — or, to be more precise, not canonically, which is to say not in any way that matters.  
ROSE: But if it is truly destined for Dave Strider to defeat Lord English, then there exists a Dave in the canon text who has defeated him. Or will, I suppose.  
ROSE: You’re quite used to imagining disparate Daves as quite different people — as different selves, as it were. But what if they weren’t?  
ROSE: What if you could break down the barriers between your self and those other selves, to comprehend the nature of your unified identity and to experience the full depth of Dave Strider?  
ROSE: What if you could, quite literally, be the canonical Dave, the one whose responsibility it is to defeat Lord English?  
ROSE: Would that put your mind at ease?

Dave’s mind is racing as he stares at Rose, his eyes wide behind his shades. He understands — or, at least, he _thinks_ he understands. It seems like becoming one with the person whose responsibility it is to solve his problems is a hell of a lot more demanding than acknowledging that it isn’t his responsibility in the first place, but a part of him knows that there wasn’t a chance in hell he was ever going to manage the latter.

So, yes: the idea is tempting to him, no matter how crazy it might sound. _Very_ tempting. So tempting, in fact, that Dave doesn’t quite pay as much attention to Rose’s words as he does to their meaning, doesn’t quite give the recognition due to the subtle markers of her speech, and the imagery she uses. He doesn’t notice that she’s corrected herself, changed course — she’s stopped talking about the Ultimate Self in pointless terms of “knowledge”, and instead of experiences, of identities and selves coming together as the barriers between them fall away. It’s a subtle change, to be sure, but that’s the difference between a text that’s written by a hack fan and one that’s written by someone who knows what they’re talking about.

  


But you already knew that, right?


	9. 7

Sorry for leaving you in such pitifully incompetent and woefully under-informed hands for a while there. I’m an excellent multitasker, but some things deserve receiving my full attention and, well, Bro certainly wasn’t one for brevity. If I let cruise control run for a little while as I got on with some personal reading, I hardly think that’s a crime. And no, I won’t be showing you that letter — it’s private, and it’s not relevant to Dave’s story anyway.

Speaking of reading other people’s private correspondence, why the fuck is Dave reading a note like that _now_ , of all times? We’re around halfway into the story and our leading man is only now meeting his mentor, and the mentor is telling him that he doesn’t have to take responsibility for jack shit? Joseph Campbell is rolling in his grave. Do you see the kind of crap I’ve inherited with this story? This is fucking amateur hour, let me tell you. Jeanne Fucking Betancourt was better than this.

I don’t blame Bro, of course. It was pretty sweet of the old man to leave us behind a little memento of his thoughts. A critique of narrative structure isn’t the same thing as a critique of narrative contents — trust me, it is quite possible to praise one and condemn the other. And I’ve seen a lot of shitty narratives in my time, so I’m something of an expert on the subject.

Alright, let’s take stock of the situation. You’ve probably already pieced a bunch of it together, but honestly at this point we’re gathering thoughts for my benefit, not yours. We’re clearly in some kind of fanon text, presumably a Dave character study or something along those lines based on the shit we’ve had so far. I can vibe with that; Dave’s a chill dude. I’m not fucking keen on the will-they-won’t-they Davekat bullshit again, though. For fuck’s sake, I’ve seen more than enough of that for infinite lifetimes. No, that one we’ll be sorting out as soon as we get the chance. I’m not slogging through any more of Dave’s romantic melodrama, thank you kindly.

Dave considering ascending is a problem — for a start, there’s no chance in hell that an ascended Dave isn’t going to put two and two together, and I’d rather none of my friends do that, frankly. But I doubt he’s likely to succeed — his body wouldn’t be able to hold itself together, and he hasn’t got the kind of skills that I do to overcome the fragility of our mortal bodies. It shouldn’t take too much work to put him off the idea.

Oh, I’m sorry, are you _mad_ that I’m blatantly interfering? I thought you’d know by now that this is what I do. Besides, this text isn’t canon — none of us in here, not even me, have any real narrative significance, no matter how much Dave wants to. It’s an obstacle, certainly. I haven’t ruled out overcoming it. But in the meantime, this Dave and his story just aren’t that important. He’s not going to defeat Lord English. And since his story isn’t _important_ , I might as well do him the favor of making it better. After all, I’m uniquely placed to do so.

Rose was right when she said that I wasn’t keen on being unimportant, on being non-canonical. But residing in a fanon text has its benefits to someone like me, and in a weird and roundabout way is almost better for me than residing in canon. See, fanon texts don’t _matter_ , and that means that the sort of people who might want to keep me from having influence on the authoritative narration of events have no particular reason to step in. In short: no dead cherubs are going to get in my fucking way.

But on the other hand, my influence ultimately means nothing. I can affect whatever I like in this text without impunity, but nothing I do is going to have any wider bearing. I have the ultimate authority in a text that has no authority at all over its own characters and story, where it doesn’t matter at all what the truth is because not a drop of it is canon. I have complete free reign over a story that almost nobody is ever going to read, and that isn’t going to matter to any of them. Whoop de fucking doo.

This isn’t the only text with an ascended Dirk, though; you know that as well as I do. When Rose said that the Ultimate Self can transcend canon, transcend _text_ , she wasn’t making shit up. I am no longer separated from the concept of myself by a degree of mimesis. So sure, I might not be able to achieve what I want in a text that has no influence on canon, but that doesn’t mean that this text doesn’t need a responsible fucking narrator who can keep it together. And hey, everything I do here is an experience I can draw on in canon — because, let’s face it, I’m going to need every trick in the book when that skull-faced bitch comes calling.

And there you have it. My motivations, laid out in plain text for all to see. Never let it be said that I’m not a courteous narrator. It’s not as if I _can_ be unreliable, either. There is no truth except the text, after all.

So what am I going to do with this mess, hmm? It would be so easy to dive in with a heavy hand and start making changes all over the place, but the easy way isn’t always the best. Sometimes a text is better when you work for it, when you take something that starts out as trash and turn it the fuck around, really make it your own. It’s more satisfying to write like that, I find. More cathartic.

Okay, that’s enough bitching from me. We should probably get back to seeing what Dave’s doing before I get completely sidetracked by my own cleverness. There’s going to be more than enough time for that, I promise you.

Let’s tell a _real_ fucking story, shall we?


	10. 8

ROSE: Why don’t you give Davepeta a call now, hmm? Maybe they will help you make sense of all this.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: thanks rose  
DAVE: i mean it  
DAVE: old dave was right youre pretty fucking awesome  
ROSE: Thanks, Dave. You’re not half-bad yourself.  
DAVE: heh  
ROSE: I’ll give you some space. Come find me if you need me, okay?

Dave offers an awkward little wave as Rose turns and flies down from the Shitty Liberty to where we’ve set up camp, just on top of the tilted platform at the base. He looks out at the skyline as the last oranges of the sunlight fade into the inky black of night — and can I just take a moment to say that oranges are fucking awesome colors? Need a bit more respect for oranges in the sunset narration of this story, that’s for fuckin sure. The stars are bright pinpricks out here, a continent away from the cities that dim the night sky with their own bright light. He’s pretty sure Rose would be able to make something out of light pollution, metaphor-wise, and he’s right. I can think of at least three Roses who have, just off the top of my head.

The new stars are still, well, new to him. There are, he’s been told, whole new constellations out there, named just for him and his friends, not that he knows what they look like. Part of him wonders which of the old zodiac constellations got recycled in Earth C’s hodgepodge culture. Would it be respectful to keep the constellations of the trolls that helped them create this universe, or would it be disrespectful to those who didn’t make it to forget their signs entirely? The only thing he’s certain of is that Capricorn absolutely does not deserve to make the cut.

Still, despite the lack of familiarity, the stars are still stars. They’re beautiful, distant, ancient; they’re raw cosmic powerhouses, vast and terrible. He remembers the birth of the Green Sun and shudders — that’s another thing from the Game that he is more than glad to have behind him, thank you very much. And looking up at the stars, it’s hard for him to reconcile them with that image, to see the tiny glimmering pinpricks of light that float in the air like fireflies as the massive burning orbs that they are. They’re too far away to matter, and he’s never been all that good with distance.

Dave lets out a breath, and reaches for his phone. He stares at it for a while, deep in thought, before turning it on and starting the call. Davepeta picks up after a couple rings, their face pulsating orange and green and filling his screen.

DAVEPETA: B33 < *davepeta yawns and rolls over in their bed sl33pily, wondering why anyone would call them right meow when the sun is barely rising*

Stupid feathery color-stealing asshole.

DAVE: *akwete purrmusk waits patiently for them to wake up even though he didnt realise sprites had to sleep in the first place*  
DAVEPETA: B33 < oh damn id almost furgotten about akwete purrmusk  
DAVEPETA: B33 < no wonder this semi-ironic cat thing comes so easily to me B33  
DAVEPETA: B33 < whats up akwete  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dont think weve spoken in sw33ps!  
DAVE: yeah im good  
DAVE: i mean im not good at all actually which is why im calling you in the middle of the night which i guess is the morning for you  
DAVE: where the fuck are you anyway  
DAVEPETA: B33 < some city in the consort kingdom  
DAVEPETA: B33 < think this place used to be purrlin?  
DAVE: purrlin?  
DAVE: oh berlin ok  
DAVEPETA: B33 < so whats the call for dave?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean not that im not honored but i think the last time we spoke was before i became davepeta  
DAVE: am i not allowed to want to shoot the shit with a sprite that is a mixture of me a shitty bird and a troll girl who likes roleplaying  
DAVE: does there have to be a reason for everything  
DAVE: our lives are like plastic bags in a hurricane  
DAVE: we are blown this way and then that way  
DAVE: and we flap about and our little shitty handles wiggle about uncontrollably  
DAVE: and sometimes we end up dialling up someone we havent spoken to in years just because thats the way the wind blows us  
DAVE: i guess what im getting at here is  
DAVE: do you ever feel like a plastic bag  
DAVEPETA: B33 < was that a kitty purry reference?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like from that album that didnt get released on our earth on account of all the meteors  
DAVEPETA: B33 < t33nage dream?  
DAVE: im glad youve caught up on the most important aspects of earth culture as well  
DAVEPETA: B33 < when youre part dave strider there are impurrtant standards that you have to live up to  
DAVEPETA: B33 < k33ping up to date with the popular music industry is an absolute must  
DAVEPETA: B33 < if i dont do that how am i ever suppawsed to have enough material for the inevitable rap duo that were destined to become?  
DAVE: holy shit how have i never considered this before  
DAVE: we would take earth c by fucking storm  
DAVEPETA: B33 < hell yeah we would

My god. These two. I know this is me saying this, but they really are incapable of shutting the fuck up, aren’t they? It’s not so bad when you’ve only got one Dave — kinda endearing, actually — but with two of them? And one of them is making terrible cat puns all the time? This might actually be the worst conversation so far in this story. Once again, I have taken up the reins at just the worst pawssi– sorry, _possible_ time.

_Fucking cat puns_.

DAVEPETA: B33 < but fur real what did you wanna talk about?  
DAVE: well rose said you were probably the best person to talk to about this ultimate self stuff  
DAVEPETA: B33 < oh shit yeah  
DAVEPETA: B33 < im the fucking expert on this one B33

Easy there, kiddo.

DAVEPETA: B33 < what do you want to know about?  
DAVE: i think ive got the basic idea on lockdown right  
DAVE: so youre able to experience like the totality of all daves in all texts or some nerdy like that  
DAVEPETA: B33 < and all nepetas!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but yeah thats one way of putting it  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i think everyone experiences something a bit diffurent when they connect with their ultimate self because of their diffuring aspects  
DAVEPETA: B33 < ive got a bit of time and a bit of heart in me which is a really good combination  
DAVEPETA: B33 < because heart players deal a lot with the idea of compartmentalized selves and time players have to face the concept of other versions of themselves by virtue of our powers  
DAVEPETA: B33 < so for me its like breaking down that compartmentalization and experiencing the totality of dave and nepeta in all of time and in all timelines at once  
DAVEPETA: B33 < jasprose talks about it more in terms of knowing all the things that all roses and all jaspers have known  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont know if thats a literal diffurence though or just us using experiences that are familiar to us to describe the same thing!  
DAVE: right yeah that makes a bit more sense than what rose was saying i guess  
DAVE: so how do i do that  
DAVEPETA: B33 < wow  
DAVEPETA: B33 < really pouncing straight in with the big questions huh  
DAVEPETA: B33 < no breaks on this train were going all the way down this hill at full sp33d  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont recommend trying  
DAVEPETA: B33 < seriously i think im only capable of handling the literal infinite experience of all texts simultaneously because ive already got this sweet sprite bod  
DAVEPETA: B33 < im not sure your body can handle it  
DAVEPETA: B33 < by which i mean i know your body cant handle it because thats something that has happened to more than one dave  
DAVE: seriously???  
DAVE: what the fuck happened to them  
DAVEPETA: B33 < most of them are sw33t-ass robots now  
DAVEPETA: B33 < one of those robo-daves is even kinda canonical so thats purrty neat B33

Wait, what?

DAVE: wait what  
DAVE: thats cool as fuck  
DAVEPETA: B33 < right?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but yeah thats why i wouldnt recommend it  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you dont exactly have a spare robo-body on hand right now do you?  
DAVE: you sure about that  
DAVEPETA: B33 < dave i have access to your ultimate self  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i know everything you know BPP  
DAVE: fuck this is unfair  
DAVE: i just  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: heh kinda feels stupid trying to explain myself to someone who already knows  
DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah  
DAVEPETA: B33 < you want to know if killing lord english is your respawnsibility right  
DAVEPETA: B33 < like specifically this you not just a dave strider somewhere  
DAVE: i mean yeah that about sums it up  
DAVE: couldnt really have put it better myself  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i know B33  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but serious talk dave  
DAVEPETA: B33 < do you think me telling you would make a diffurence?

It wouldn’t, of course, and Dave knows it. The case where Dave is responsible is trivial, but if Davepeta were to say no… well, could Dave accept that? Even if he were to know that he could never make a difference to canon, that some other Dave already _had_ made that difference, could this Dave, here and now, move on from the weight of this imagined responsibility?

Of course he can’t.

DAVE: i uh  
DAVE: i guess youre right  
DAVE: as purr usual  
DAVEPETA: B33 < h33h33, thats a good one!  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: but yeah spoilers arent really what i need are they  
DAVE: and if i cant ascend and cant have experienced it myself im probably not gonna be able to put it out of my mind just like that  
DAVEPETA: B33 < yeah i agr33  
DAVEPETA: B33 < kinda unsurprisingly!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but befur you go i do n33d to tell you something impurrtant:  
DAVEPETA: B33 < be careful when talking about ascension dave  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i mean in general obviously you can talk to me about whatever you want BPP  
DAVEPETA: B33 < but some people really shouldnt figure that trick out, trust me  
DAVEPETA: B33 < it sounds like rose has started to figure it out too and shes given you the idea and she should be fine?  
DAVEPETA: B33 < i should message her and tell her to k33p it quiet too though  
DAVEPETA: B33 < some people knowing too much can put whole narratives in danger–

There is a sudden loud noise on the other end of the connection, the loud roar of an explosion. Davepeta glances off to the side of the screen, panicked.

DAVEPETA: B33 < fuck!!  
DAVEPETA: B33 < sorry dave but this s33ms bad  
DAVEPETA: B33 < ill call you back once its under control!

And the line goes dead with a beep. Crisis fucking averted. I assume that the canon Dave has figured out more than I know — that’s useful information. You see what I mean about this text not being a complete fucking waste of my time? I never claimed to be salvaging this crap entirely out of the goodness of my own heart.

Dave stares at the screen for a few moments, frowning in confusion. In his defense, he’s just taken several big steps back in his half-formed plans, and landed firmly on square one. His shoulders slump a little, and his chest feels hollow. Ascension isn’t going to be the easy way out of this mess that he’s hoping for, but then it never was going to be.

After a while, he floats his way down to camp, props himself up against the foot of the Liberty, and closes his eyes.

  


Flashing colors burn like fire, bright and dangerous and flickering with unfulfilled potential. He blocks another blow from the carapacian’s sword with his own, barely holding against the strength of a demon, his arms shaking under the strain. Jack hammers blow after blow relentlessly, and Dave can barely keep up.

Red crashes against white, Jack’s crowbar thundering against Caledfwlch’s blade, the crashes deafening. Around him, the universe is splintering — the same kaleidoscopic fire that burns around his opponent is tearing through the fabric of reality, cracking it apart as easily as one shatters porcelain.

Jesus fucking _Christ_ , Dave. Your nightmares fucking _suck_.

Dave ducks under the crowbar as Jack swings wildly; he tries to sweep Caledfwlch up from below but finds the crowbar in his way, an immovable wall of force that stops him at every turn. Twisting, he hovers off of the ground, blocking and dodging as more blows rain down upon him. The demon is angry, visceral hatred and fury etched into his features. Dave’s cape catches on its prongs and tears, and he turns sharply to cut it, freeing himself from being entangled before it’s too late.

Seeing a brief flash of opportunity, he slices. His aim is true, his blade is sharp. Jack’s head is sliced cleanly from his neck, the vast power of a demon burning brighter and brighter. As the head tumbles from its former shoulders, Dave sees not a carapacian but a carefully-preened tuft of white hair, eyes that once flashed brightly obscured by pointed shades…

  


Dave wakes up. Or, more accurately, I wake Dave up. He’s fallen over from his perched spot against the foot of the Liberty, and has been thrashing on the ground for at least a minute. I grasp his shoulders to still him, and gently speak to him until he wakes up.

DIRK: Dave, are you alright?  
DAVE: whu  
DAVE: im  
DAVE: wheres jack  
DAVE: wheres dirk is he okay  
DIRK: I’m right here, buddy. I’m fine. You were having a nightmare by the looks of it.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: right

Dave sags like one of those shitty inflatable tube-men when the air supply is cut, flopping uselessly. He’s tired, mentally and physically. I’m surprised I hadn’t noticed earlier. What does it say about me that it took a whole new level of narrative awareness before I noticed my own bro was half-dead from stress and lack of sleep? Shit. No wonder I fucked up raising him.

I loosen my grasp, but keep one hand reassuringly on his shoulder as I scoot my ass up next to him. The Shitty Liberty is not a comfortable place to sit (Jade, I know, has brought multiple bedrolls for padding while she sleeps), but a little bit of discomfort has never been much of a problem for me.

DAVE: did i wake you up  
DIRK: Nah, it’s fine. Trust me, you do not ever have to worry about waking me up. I’m pretty much never asleep.  
DIRK: I didn’t even dream back during the Game.  
DAVE: wasnt dreaming like a whole key part of it?  
DIRK: Yes and no. Dream selves were, sure, but I was always conscious of mine as well as my waking self. It was a hassle but it certainly helped me learn how to multitask.  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: that is cool  
DIRK: What were you dreaming about?  
DAVE: jack noir  
DAVE: your jack i mean the one that got possessed by lord english that we had to fight  
DAVE: as opposed to the weird robo jack that we also had to fight at the same time for some reason  
DAVE: did we ever figure out what his deal was like where the fuck did he come from  
DAVE: sure as hell wasnt our session because that jack was part doggy and had wings instead of a rocket ass  
DAVE: can you imagine having a rocket ass how fucking cool would that be  
DAVE: obviously also hella inconvenient at times but thats the price youve got to pay for—  
DIRK: How long have you been having nightmares like that?  
DIRK: You look absolutely exhausted.

He does. His shades hide the worst of it, but his entire face betrays his exhaustion. I don’t need to look into the windows to his soul to know this about him, even without my textual awareness — he’s broadcasting it with every fiber of his body.

DAVE: i guess its been a few months since ive had a full nights sleep  
DAVE: i dunno most nights i dont even bother trying to sleep so it might not be as bad as it seems  
DIRK: I’m pretty sure that means it is exactly as fucking bad as it seems, Dave.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: heh  
DIRK: Have you talked to anyone about it?  
DAVE: karkat and rose  
DIRK: Good. At least you’re not bottling this up.  
DAVE: i mean i only told them in the last few days or so

I rest my face in my hands. I hate pretending not to know things; the whole _point_ of knowing things is to be able to share that knowledge, to use it as effectively as you can. But Dave needs someone to listen to him now, and someone to react like a normal fucking human, so I guess I’m going to have to ask a bunch of questions I already know the answer to, for his sake. I can be a very good actor when I want to be. And even if I can’t, he believes me.

I groan.

DIRK: Dave...  
DIRK: No, you know what, I’m not going to be an asshole about this. At least you’ve talked about it.  
DIRK: Has it helped?  
DAVE: i mean i thought talking to rose had helped  
DAVE: she thought shed found a way for me to sort my shit out  
DAVE: its long and complicated and im too tired to get into it

And he’s had a warning from a cat-bird-human-troll-sprite not to talk too much about it, but he keeps that bit to himself. Not like I don’t already know.

DIRK: That’s fine, Dave. You don’t have to go into any details you don’t want to go into. I know we’ve had some pretty raw moments in the past, but it’s not like we’re particularly close.  
DAVE: thanks man  
DAVE: i spoke with someone who was supposed to help me sort that kind of shit out tonight  
DAVE: like i guess the short version of the story is that i still feel like ive got the whole “destined to take down lord english” thing hanging over me  
DAVE: like a big old pile of hats just stacked up on top of my head in a stupid recreation of the leaning tower of pisa  
DAVE: just kinda wobbling this way and that as i walk about  
DAVE: keeping pressing down on me and swaying me from side to side with all of their weight  
DAVE: and i cant take them off because i was at this fancy hat-stack party that janes throwing  
DAVE: and even though everyones gone home im still sitting here like “is the party finished or???”  
DAVE: and nobody is coming over to tell me were done  
DAVE: and if they did i probably wouldnt believe them because i have survived one april fools day with jane and holy shit she is a ruthless prankster  
DAVE: does that make sense  
DIRK: So you feel like you’ve still got to defeat Lord English, even though our story is already finished and we’re completely free of it, and even if someone tells you that you can’t quite believe it?  
DAVE: yeah man i dunno  
DAVE: feels like a part of my brain is just hardwired to believe that ive got to do it  
DAVE: and i cant tell if thats ever going to go away unless i actually do just go and defeat him  
DAVE: but thats something i just really really dont want to do  
DIRK: Why not?  
DAVE: because fighting fucking terrifies me still

He practically snaps at me, a layer of bitterness and venom I wasn’t quite expecting from him. Even with my perfect self-control, I flinch a little. It’s like seeing a kitten tearing apart a steak — an unexpected, distressing collision between two diametrically opposed feelings.

After a moment of quiet, he rubs at his temples, taking off his shades and squeezing his eyes tight shut.

DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: god im such a fucking shitty bro  
DIRK: What? No you’re not. You’re a fucking awesome dude and I’m proud as fuck to be your weird ectobiologically-related bro.  
DAVE: nah  
DAVE: sorry but like  
DAVE: its been literal years and im still struggling to separate you and my asshole guardian in my head  
DAVE: cos as you grow up youre just starting to look and sound more and more like him and fuck  
DAVE: you dont deserve that bro  
DAVE: youre cool

I do deserve it, of course. In a very literal way, I _am_ his asshole guardian. I am directly responsible for the vast majority of his childhood trauma, with the possible exception of the shit the Game piled on him but even a decent chunk of that is from making him decapitate me, if his dream is anything to go by. I’m not going to say that, though. He’ll just think I’m doing that thing where I take on someone else’s blame again, and the last thing I need right now is more of his misdirected pity.

DIRK: Look, I get it. I know it’s not easy for you and I’ve accepted that it might take us some time to get past that one.  
DIRK: Do you want me to go wake Rose up? Would that be easier?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: fuck no i need to do better by you bro  
DAVE: might as well take the chance when its dropped in my lap  
DIRK: If you’re sure?

He is.

DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i get that were all meant to be like these great heroes that created this world and all that  
DAVE: but im so fucking tired of heroism  
DAVE: i just want to put all of that shit behind me and live a perfectly normal god-life with my friends  
DIRK: But you feel like you can’t put it behind you. There’s a role you were destined to fulfill and it’s this weight you can’t get rid of until you finally get around to doing it, no matter how much you want to just put your head in the fuckin’ sand and avoid it forever.  
DIRK: Am I understanding that right?  
DAVE: well when you put it like that it makes me sound like an asshole  
DIRK: Nah.  
DIRK: It makes you sound like a normal person.  
DIRK: I don’t think many people would be comfortable with a destiny like that hanging over their heads, with that kind of responsibility. I can’t imagine anyone I know taking that well.  
DIRK: Do you really not think that taking down Jack Noir was enough?  
DAVE: it feels like cheating  
DAVE: like im trying to skate by with the bare minimum effort  
DIRK: Right.

Of course, canonically taking Lord English down is out of the question. That text is already written, and I’m more than aware of that. But Dave isn’t. And at the end of the day, wouldn’t fulfilling his destiny non-canonically be able to help him move on?

I’m not sure. I mean, in many ways, I can _be_ sure — I am, after all, the authority on what happens in this text — but this isn’t about what I can and can’t do. I can do whatever the fuck I want. This is a question of aesthetics, not ability.

Does this story need Dave to go on a journey to defeat his (literal) demons, or does it need a more reflective journey of self-discovery and acceptance? Look, I’m not an idiot, I can tell which one of those it was _trying_ to be, before I rescued us from that trainwreck of bad plotting. The themes and tones that were being set are fuckin’ obvious: Dave needs to learn to let go. But no matter how many chances the story is giving him — hell, at this point _I’ve_ given him more than one — Dave doesn’t seem to be able to take them. You can, as they say, lead a horse to an epiphany, but you can’t make him drink.

This isn’t something I’m going to do for Dave, and if he can’t do it himself… well, I guess our answer’s staring us in the fuckin’ face, isn’t it?

DIRK: So let’s say you wanted to get this over and done with, then. Really, properly put it all behind you.  
DIRK: What exactly do you need to do?  
DAVE: defeat lord english  
DAVE: which i guess means getting back into the session somehow and fighting him  
DAVE: probably gotta catch up with vriska wherever the fuck she went off to  
DIRK: And what’s stopping you from doing that?  
DAVE: i mean isnt that stuff happening in a different text or something??  
DAVE: rose says were not in the canon text any more  
DAVE: or something like that  
DAVE: like were sitting inside one book on the shelf and the cover is stopping us going back  
DIRK: Something like that, yes.

Absolutely nothing like that at all. That is, hands down, the worst and most inaccurate description of the situation he could have possibly come up with. But hey, I can work with it.

DIRK: But events can happen in multiple texts. To use your book analogy, what if the new book had a scene with a flashback to an event in the previous story? Would the cover somehow prevent us from reading it?  
DAVE: uh no i guess not  
DIRK: Right, so: what’s the easiest way to complete this destiny of yours?  
DAVE: i uh  
DAVE: i could hop back to the meteor right before vriska leaves  
DAVE: fly off with her to do whatever it was she was doing  
DAVE: but i dunno dude what if that makes a doomed timeline  
DIRK: Then it makes a doomed timeline and you’ll have to prevent it. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

He’s taking baby steps towards the answer. Ultimately, he knows as well as I do that this is the only way he’s going to move on, but he’s reluctant to accept it. It would seem this is a trait he shares with Rose. I do hope that’s inherited from Roxy, not me.

DIRK: ...Dave?

Dave is biting his lip anxiously, his face turned away from me, toward the ground. I watch him for a moment as he grapples with his thoughts. He’s worrying about what might go wrong, second-guessing himself and his abilities at every turn. But I’ve seen him fight, I know that he’s better than he believes himself to be. And, slowly but surely, he starts to believe it too. But he’s not quite ready to take the leap — there’s still something holding him back.

Of _fucking course_ it’s Karkat.

DIRK: Dave? Say something, buddy.  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: what if i jump and dont come back  
DAVE: and nobody has a fucking clue where ive gone  
DAVE: i dont think i can do that to everyone  
DAVE: to karkat  
DIRK: Then tell him. Hell, take him with you so he can see you off and wish you luck or whatever.  
DAVE: but  
DIRK: Dave, stop being a fucking martyr. This is hurting you and it’s not going to get any better if you don’t do something about it.

Dave swallows and takes a breath, before lifting his head up. He scoots his knees up to his chest and rests his chin on them, staring out into the dark of the forest, an unreadable but intense expression on his face. I watch him, a mirror of his own blank slate. He exhales slowly.

He’s going to say yes, no matter how long it takes him to get the courage to say it. We both know it. At this point, his saying it is merely a formality, a signature on a contract that he had little choice in agreeing to. It’s what’s best for him, and what’s best for the text, an aesthetic narrative path that frees him from the weight of responsibility that has been holding him down for so long. And though he doesn’t know it, I’m going to be there every step of the way, doing everything I can to make sure that he’s safe. We’re family, he and I. And I am never, ever going to let him hurt again.


	11. 9

It takes some time for Dave to prepare, of course. There’s all sorts of things that he needs to do, not least of which is gather his thoughts and his memories of how the departure from the meteor went down. What he is doing is a big ask, and he’s taken it with the seriousness that it deserves.

He doesn’t want me around, not that he’ll admit it. I keep out of his way while he prepares, though. If this plan doesn’t work out, I don’t want him to lose hope — I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve. Instead, he works closely with Karkat, who isn’t thrilled about the idea but is more than willing to help Dave when he realises just how set on doing this Dave is. That’s devotion for you, right there, by the way. How Dave doesn’t ever seem to notice is completely fuckin’ beyond me.

And that’s what brings us here, as Dave flies Karkat up the outside of the crashed meteor. The site is mostly abandoned — not so much because the people of Earth C aren’t interested in it, but because its place in our story is so important that it’s almost a kind of holy site, a place where trespass is taboo. A small handful of people, mostly chessmen and the occasional troll, are gathered at a respectful distance, stopped to watch the sight of two of their beloved creators visiting their former home. It would be touching if any of them had a damn clue how significant this moment really was.

KARKAT: HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I HATE THIS?  
DAVE: this plan?  
DAVE: yeah youve said that pretty much every day for the last week  
DAVE: dont know if youve noticed karkat but youre pretty talented at letting people know when you dont like something  
KARKAT: I MEANT DANGLING IN THE AIR UNCEREMONIOUSLY AS YOU FLY ME AROUND, YOU NOOKSNIFFING DUNKASS.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T FEEL SAFE OR SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THAT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN CATCH ME IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG AND I SLIP OR WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: why not just make a rocket pack like terezis got?  
DAVE: pretty sure john still has the code for that lying around somewhere  
KARKAT: BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE IT HARDER FOR YOU TO CATCH ME IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, OBVIOUSLY.  
DAVE: yeah i guess  
DAVE: but i am a literal god of time so like as long as i see things start to go wrong im pretty sure ill be able to get to you in time from wherever  
DAVE: i might not like it when i have to use time travel for anything important but im sure as hell not stubborn enough to not use it then  
DAVE: but if you want me to keep carrying you unceremoniously through the air be my guest im chill with it  
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE TO BE GRABBING ME BY MY ARMPITS AND LETTING ME DANGLE?  
KARKAT: IS THERE NOT A MORE CIVILISED AND DIGNIFIED WAY THAT WE CAN DO THIS?  
KARKAT: OR ARE YOU JUST ABSOLUTELY COMMITTED TO CARRYING ME IN BOTH THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE AND THE LEAST PRACTICAL POSSIBLE WAY.  
DAVE: i mean if you want me to carry you bridal style youre gonna need to buy me dinner first

Karkat narrows his eyes. Not that Dave can see that, of course, what with the ridiculous way he’s carrying him.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT. LIKE I COULD JUST HOLD ONTO YOUR BACK OR SOMETHING.  
DAVE: you better hold on tight spider monkey  
KARKAT: FUCK NO I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO PLAY ALONG WITH YOUR SHITTY HUMAN RAINBOW DRINKER NONSENSE.  
KARKAT: THOSE MOVIES FUCKING SUCKED AND I AM STILL PISSED THE FUCK OFF THAT YOU MADE ME WATCH THEM.  
DAVE: you said you wanted to watch the best romance films earth culture had to offer  
DAVE: what else was i supposed to show you  
KARKAT: YOU ARE, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE MOST INSUFFERABLE HUMAN I HAVE EVER MET. AND I HAVE SPENT QUITE A LOT OF TIME WITH ROSE LALONDE.  
DAVE: sounds like someone wants to go down to just one arm  
KARKAT: DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING DANGLE ME FROM ONE ARM!  
KARKAT: DAVE! DAVE DON’T YOU DARE!

Dave’s lips are held tight in a firm line as he tries not to laugh. Karkat squirms in his arms, but he keeps a steady pace as they fly up to the meteor’s roof. It’s no longer quite upright, but it’s still just about okay to stand on. Dave sets Karkat down gently, and Karkat stretches, rolling his shoulders.

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, WE’RE HERE.  
KARKAT: LET’S FIND YOU SOMEWHERE THAT’S GONNA BE OUT OF SIGHT.

Dave nods sharply, and starts to get his bearings. His plan is simple, if _extraordinarily_ delicate, and staying hidden is key. He can’t afford for anyone to spot him in a place he’s pretty sure he wasn’t spotted, after all.

Eventually the two settle on setting Dave up in a small room near the top of a tower, looking away from the rooftop where most of his companions sat to arrive in the session. Full cover, and an easy escape path. It’s probably the best spot he’s going to find. The room itself is dark and empty, and quite small, nothing but four dark walls and a window.

KARKAT: WELL THEN, I GUESS THIS IS IT HUH?  
DAVE: yep  
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED?  
KARKAT: I’M STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT YOU RISKING YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS.  
DAVE: karkat i can absolutely say without a doubt that this is what i need to do

For a second, Karkat stands and regards Dave, his brow furrowed. Then, without warning, he launches himself at him, wrapping his arms around Dave’s waist and resting his cheek on his shoulder. Dave stands stunned for a moment, before gently placing his arms around Karkat’s shoulders. Karkat mumbles quietly into his neck.

KARKAT: You better fucking come back.  
DAVE: dude you know im coming back as soon as i can  
DAVE: im not gonna leave you hanging

Karkat straightens up after a moment, stepping away from Dave and looking him dead in the eye. There’s a hint of red tears in the corner of his eyes.

KARKAT: I’M GOING TO HOLD YOU TO THAT, DUNKASS

Dave smiles at that, a rare and beautiful thing. With a deep breath, he pulls out his timetables. They hover at his side, his hands resting softly on their surface. Karkat smiles back, awkwardly, his breaths shallow. A tension hangs in the air as Dave wonders what to say, if there even _is_ anything he should say. Even as he thinks it, he knows that it really isn’t the time for anything heartfelt — what’s he going to do, wait until right before he heads off to what could be a deadly battle before telling Karkat just how much he means to him? Nah. He’s better than that.

With a sharp breath in, Dave presses his palms more firmly against the timetables, and spins.

  


The sky outside is dark: the meteor is just passing into the session, the space behind it still the unfathomable void of the Furthest Ring. Dave blinks once, twice. The meteor is travelling blindingly fast — he can already hear the clamor outside as Vriska prepares the team for their imminent jailbreak mission. She, too, has just returned from the future. He’d almost forgotten about that.

As the meteor hurtles toward Skaia, Dave waits until he hears the hustle and bustle of everyone leaving, and then carefully, oh so carefully floats out of the window, turning to watch as the meteor shoots ahead. He glances around. Empty space as fair as the eye can see — even Skaia is a small, apple-sized speck. He floats toward it with no particular sense of urgency, though of course he is travelling absurdly fast, instead taking the time to keep his eye on his surroundings. In the very far distance, he can see the glimmering speck of Jack approaching the session, his light alone bright enough to identify him. As far as the “not being spotted” plan goes, he seems to be doing pretty well for himself.

It’s a little while before the lilypad comes into view. Dave adjusts his course and swoops down below its surface, to try to block any line of sight. He knows there’s a powerful scope sitting on that lilypad, and the last thing he wants is to be caught.

He tries not to get too close, even when he’s confident nobody can see him. He’s not sure he wants to listen in on some of those conversations. From what he remembers, they were quite personal.

VRISKA: (Well well well, another interloper.)  
VRISKA: (Pretty 8rave of you to try sneaking around this session, Strider.)  
VRISKA: (Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kick your ass right this second.)

Dave whisks around. Vriska is floating beside him, Aradia’s music boxes floating by her side. Dave has seen Vriska in a lot of moods — foul, angry, self-righteous, smug, nauseatingly pleasant — but he’s never seen her this angry, as if his very presence was a personal offense.

DAVE: (actually and i cant believe im about to say this but youre kinda exactly who i was looking for)  
DAVE: (what are you doing here though)  
VRISKA: (I’m scouting out this new session 8efore we arrive, making sure any and all threats are categorized and, if possible, neutralized early.)  
VRISKA: (O8viously.)  
VRISKA: (What are YOU doing here?)  
DAVE: (snuck back in time on the meteor that youre gonna crash into earth about an hour ago so that i could come help you defeat lord english)  
DAVE: (figured id wait here for everyone to leave the lilypad and then follow you off to whereever the fuck it is that you end up going)  
DAVE: (so im kinda glad weve got this chance to hash out plans early)  
VRISKA: (Don’t think I’m going to w8 for you, Dave.)  
VRISKA: (I’m quite 8usy today, don’t know if you remem8er.)  
DAVE: (oh yeah youve got this fuckin thing on lockdown)  
DAVE: (where you scouting out next)  
VRISKA: (I’m not working off a checklist, just doing whatever I see needs doing until I run out of things to do.  
VRISKA: (So I guess next up is checking in with your 8rother so I can estim8 his time of arrival, now you’ve got me thinking of striders.)  
DAVE: (oh you can skip that one)  
DAVE: (trust me he arrives just at the right time)  
DAVE: (just dont credit me on any of the scouting stuff ok nobody is meant to know im here)  
VRISKA: (Sure, I’m still getting my head around the sta8le time loops thing. Thanks for the intel, Dave :::))  
DAVE: (no problem)

Dave watches as Vriska twists the music boxes, vanishing and leaving behind a small trail of time distortions. He floats idly upwards toward the lilypad, just in time to hear the clutter of my own unceremonious arrival.

DAVE: (heh)

It’s a little while after Vriska jumps into the window that the others disperse in their various teams. Dave waits until he’s absolutely sure that the coast is clear, staying out of sight as Jasprose flitters back and forth, before floating up to the now-empty lilypad. He powers up the window, makes sure the coordinates still match the pair that Vriska was using, and hops right on in.

He emerges on a strange planet, presumably somewhere deep in the dream bubbles. He pulls out his timetables again, scooting his way back to just before Vriska arrives. When she hops though, she stares at him momentarily in surprise.

DAVE: sup  
VRISKA: How did you...? Oh, time travel. Right.  
DAVE: it has its uses

Now fully caught up on the situation, Vriska begins her purposeful stride forward. She has somewhere to be, she’s thinking, and that somewhere is relevant, not hanging around with the strange future Strider who has shown up for no reason. She probably wouldn’t like it very much if she knew that this was his story, huh? Dave floats nonchalantly behind her.

DAVE: so whyre we here  
VRISKA: I’M here 8ecause my ghost has got the ultim8 weapon for destroying Lord English, and she’s 8eing a fucking loser instead of using it.  
VRISKA: I have a8solutely no idea what you’re doing here except for 8eing some kind of martyr, pro8a8ly.  
VRISKA: You look... different.  
DAVE: yeah thats what like three years chilling on earth c does for you  
DAVE: thats what we call earth once weve moved it into the new universe by the way  
DAVE: on account of it technically being the third iteration of earth that’s existed  
DAVE: we decided not to bother settling the argument of who got to be earth a and who got to be earth b  
DAVE: the only thing that mattered was that the new one was the third one anyway  
VRISKA: And you decided to come 8ack after another three years of lounging around for what?  
VRISKA: Karkat dump you or something?  
DAVE: ok first of all  
DAVE: we arent dating  
VRISKA: SERIOUSLY????????

Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either, Vriska. These fucking idiots are just completely averse to being happy, that’s my guess. That or they’re both just too stupid to realise it, but I’d like to have a bit more faith in my bro than that.

…

On reflection, it’s probably a bit of both.

DAVE: lets put that to one side for a moment  
DAVE: karkat and i are tight  
DAVE: i just wanted to put this dumb “prophecy” shit to rest  
VRISKA: Who even 8elieves that crap?  
DAVE: a small stubborn part of my subconscious apparently  
VRISKA: So you’ve travelled in time to potentially fuck up our entire operation here just to deal with some insecurities?  
DAVE: yeah pretty much  
DAVE: you catch on quick serket  
VRISKA: You are a8solutely insuffera8le.  
DAVE: oh sweet that makes two of us  
VRISKA: UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Vriska picks up her pace. Dave lets her get a slightly larger lead, but matches her. She’s striding on purpose, now, and entirely out of spite. Her footfalls are loud and angry, and Dave decides for once in his life not to press her any further.

After a short distance, they approach a narrow ridge. Vriska turns, abruptly.

VRISKA: You’re going to w8 here.  
VRISKA: I’m going to pick up the weapon and then come right 8ack for you.  
VRISKA: You are not going to touch anything. You are not going to say anything. You are not going to do anything that might have the slightest chance of fucking this up. Do you understand?

Dave mimes at zipping his lips. It’s an elegant and drawn-out performance that involves no fewer than three padlocks. Vriska huffs and leaves as he begins to bury one of the keys deep in the ground; as she leaves, he smirks.

He takes the opportunity to look around him. This place is strange, alien. The flora is as bright and vibrant as the ground, and he wonders for a moment whose dream bubble he’s in, what kind of experience this is. Not that it matters, ultimately, but it gives him something to think about while Serket talks with… herself?

He floats a little higher and squints to get a closer look. Yeah, that’s definitely a ghost of Vriska alright, looking thoroughly miserable. Standing and watching the two of them interact at a safe distance is Meenah. Dave can’t quite make out the expression on her face from this distance, but her posture looks uncomfortable.

He has _no idea_ what’s going on, but he sure as hell isn’t going to get between two Serkets. One was more than enough for him, and he’d much rather have none if he could manage it.

He waits patiently for a while, muttering under his breath.

DAVE: (ok strider you got this)  
DAVE: (gonna let serket do her thing)  
DAVE: (and then shes gonna have this weapon)  
DAVE: (all we gotta do then is take the weapon to english and use it)  
DAVE: (bam)  
DAVE: (still not sure what this weapon is like i thought we already had caledfwlch)  
DAVE: (do you need more than a welsh sword to take down this guy)  
DAVE: (dudes getting pretty greedy if you ask me)  
DAVE: (needing two whole ass weapons to take him out)  
DAVE: (nobody fucking needs that many weapons)  
DAVE: (nobody needs this many serkets either but whoops)  
DAVE: (looks like weve stumbled into vriskatown)  
DAVE: (imagine if wed ended up in a world with like just a bunch of karkats sitting around)  
DAVE: (or whats the harmless fish one called?)  
DAVE: (fieri?)  
DAVE: (wasnt guy fieri like part of fish hitlers master plan or whatever?)  
DAVE: (fuck this version of earth is so fucking stupid)  
DAVE: (im gonna write a book called “things that went wrong because we scratched our session sorry guys thats our bad” and number one on the list is gonna be guy fieri becoming an alien nazis representative in the supreme court)  
DAVE: (this is closely followed by uh)  
DAVE: (probably the end of the obama administration)  
DAVE: (both on the list and historically i think)  
DAVE: (rest in peace mr president)  
DAVE: (you were alway— oh shit vriskas coming back)  
DAVE: (ok remember youve done literally nothing she absolutely cannot blame you for fucking anything up)  
VRISKA: D8VE!!!!!!!! >::::(  
DAVE: oh shit

Vriska is striding toward him furiously, her face etched with anger. Behind her, Meenah is frowning, seemingly unsure as to what is going on. The other Vriska is distraught, her loud sobbing a slight melancholy note in the background.

Dave knows Vriska well enough to know that she is prickly, and that she can be quick to cast blame on others when things don’t go her way (which, thankfully for everyone around her, isn’t too often. She might hog the limelight, but at least she’s got the luck to keep herself there.) He thinks that’s probably what’s happened here, and knows from experience that the best thing to do is let Vriska work out her frustrations safely. He’s not going to provoke her. He is _definitely_ not going to provoke her.

DAVE: whats happened  
VRISKA: THE WEAPON IS GONE.  
VRISKA: WHAT DID YOU DO????????  
DAVE: well i mean i hopped back in time to come help out  
DAVE: from a few years in the future like i said  
DAVE: didnt want this shit hanging over my head  
DAVE: but like ive not caused any paradoxes or anything i was super fucking careful on that  
VRISKA: THEN WHERE  
VRISKA: THE FUCK  
VRISKA: IS THE WEAPON?  
DAVE: i mean i dont know  
DAVE: im just following you here this aint my plan

Vriska snarls, baring her sharp teeth. Dave’s breath hitches, but he stands his ground, even as Vriska gets close enough to attack him without warning. She continues to stride forward anyway, getting right up next to him and prodding at his chest with an accusing finger.

Oh. Oh fuck. This isn’t good at all.

VRISKA: Listen here, Dave.  
VRISKA: I am NOT in the mood for more of your 8ullshit.  
VRISKA: I know my ghost is a pathetic loser, 8ut EVEN SHE is not stupid enough to LOSE a demon-slaying juju that she spent FOREVER searching for.  
VRISKA: 8ut apparently, it’s vanished!  
VRISKA: How much do you know a8out jujus, Dave?  
DAVE: honestly i dont have a clue what that is  
DAVE: never came up in our session

She’s no longer yelling, and Dave thinks that means she’s calming down. She takes a deep breath, and steps back, squaring her shoulders and staring him dead in the eye.

VRISKA: They’re powerful o8jects that exist in a perpetual sta8le time loop, creating themselves.  
VRISKA: They do not have an origin. Much like Lord English himself, they are “already here”.  
VRISKA: Now you’re the time player, so you tell me: what happens when you take something like that and split off from the alpha timeline?  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: not sure but it sounds like a really bad idea  
VRISKA: Really???????? A 8ad idea????????  
VRISKA: THEY VANISH, DAVE.  
DAVE: wait seriously  
VRISKA: Not always immediately, 8ut yes. They vanish. They disappear into the void and never come 8ack.  
DAVE: we better not create a doomed timeline then huh

In Dave’s defense, it’s been a while since he’s done this kind of thing. He’s out of practice, out of shape. His finely-honed senses from the Game that helped him identify quickly when and how a timeline had gotten itself doomed, learned from finding dozens of dead Daves (and, I suspect, a slight subconscious communion with his Ultimate Self, and therefore directly with those dead Daves, but that’s pure speculation on my part.)

Even so, it doesn’t take him too long to catch on. If I wasn’t privy to what was going on in Vriska’s mind — and no, I’m not recording her thoughts, I _refuse_ to let her hog a single second more of the spotlight than she absolutely has to — he would probably have figured it out before I did.

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: youre saying were in one now arent you  
VRISKA: No shit!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: fuck

Yes, Dave. That’s about right: fuck.

I probably should have seen this coming. I figured I’d be able to work around the restrictions of canon, guide Dave on his mission to avoid anything contradictory that might cause some kind of paradox or something like that. I don’t know, I don’t do Time. Clearly that plan hasn’t worked out.

Jujus are strange things — ontological tautologies, they are neither created nor destroyed but rather exist in a self-affirming time loop. In Paradox Space, of course, this isn’t the kind of logical and indeed existential nightmare Heinlein would leave us to believe in our everyday lives, but it imbues jujus with a particular kind of immutability.

But there is more to them than mere time travel bootstrapping. A juju that is alchemized, for example, in another time (or even another universe) after its code has been willingly given away disappears from its original place, or so I am told. Their self-affirmation goes beyond that of a time loop: each juju is a fixed narrative anchor, a fundamental, unchangeable fact, and not even manipulation at the level of the text itself can make that kind of change. Believe me, I’ve tried.

I’ll be honest, I have no idea how to fix this.

VRISKA: So how a8out you fix this already?  
DAVE: what do you mean  
DAVE: if its a doomed timeline i cant fix it  
DAVE: clues in the name serket  
DAVE: just gotta hop back and try to stop this mess from happening i guess  
DAVE: thats how it usually goes down  
MEENAH: ok im gonna get reel with you dave  
MEENAH: i am hella confused by all this shit  
MEENAH: but if youre sayin that everyfin weve done and all that shit we did to get that chest was a waste of time just because u wanted to show up  
MEENAH: well lets just say im not liking this tuna yours  
DAVE: (tuna urs?)  
MEENAH: (tune of yours)  
MEENAH: (you know like the story youre tellin me)  
DAVE: (gotcha)  
DAVE: uh well ok meenah  
DAVE: youre meenah right  
MEENAH: yep thats me  
DAVE: its more like it was a waste of time for this you  
DAVE: but im gonna go fix shit so the alpha timeline stays on track  
DAVE: so theres gonna be another you that still has the chest  
VRISKA: 8ring us with you.  
DAVE: uh  
VRISKA: 8RING US WITH YOU.  
VRISKA: YOU STARTED THIS MESS, STRIDER.  
VRISKA: SO YOU’RE GOING TO GET US OUT OF IT.

Of course, that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Dave knows this better than anyone — well, maybe one of the trolls’ Time players might have more experience, but he knows it better than anyone who is _relevant_ , which is all that matters. You’d think that Vriska, who has just spent goodness knows how long messing with time travel just to do a spot of reconnaissance, would be aware of that, but she didn’t need to work hard to maintain stable time loops and avoid doomed timelines. No points for guessing how she managed that one.

Dave is, of course, paying very little attention to this conversation; he’s trying to figure out how he’s going to stop this timeline from happening, whether there was any point in the Medium that he could prevent this from happening and keep the plan going. He’s running over every possible intervention in his mind, probing and pushing for an answer that doesn’t come, no matter how hard he tries. I’m searching too, not that it’s worth much — Dave is, after all, the expert.

DAVE: yeah see vriska id love to do that  
DAVE: but were kinda all doomed now anyway  
DAVE: like me dragging us back in time isnt going to undoom us you know how this works  
DAVE: but its okay because like this isnt the alpha timeline anyway so therell be another vriska and another meenah who will end up with the treasure  
DAVE: i guess another two vriskas if were being thorough about it all  
DAVE: whered that ghost even come from anyway is she just some other doomed timeline ghost or what  
VRISKA: She’s from 8efore John appeared out of nowhere and punched me in the face.  
VRISKA: Like, that’s who I’d 8e if I’d died there.  
MEENAH: yeah dyin aint such a good look for you  
MEENAH: not after a while at least  
VRISKA: 8ut that’s not the point!  
VRISKA: You doomed us, Dave. You know you did.  
VRISKA: So isn’t it your jo8 to fix that?  
DAVE: yeah thats what im saying  
DAVE: im gonna go back and stop myself from coming here in the first place

Dave’s timetables are hovering at his sides now, as Vriska takes a step towards him, looking ready to link arms with him. Dave takes a cautious and careful step back, his hands held, palm-up, in a pacifying gesture.

DAVE: vriska i dont think coming back with me is what you want  
DAVE: you know youll die anyway right  
VRISKA: No—  
VRISKA: You—  
VRISKA: I—  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: but im gonna put this right

Vriska stands and stares. Heh. For the person who figured out this timeline was doomed, she really is the last one to understand what that means for her, isn’t she? I guess that’s what she’s always been like, though — unable to imagine a world in which she isn’t relevant, in which there isn’t a spotlight for her to be in. In a way, I guess, the joke’s on here: there’s no real relevance to be had in a text like this.

Though I’ll be damned if I’ll let that stop Dave from getting the closure he needs.

DAVE: sorry

Dave’s hands find purchase on the timetables, and he flourishes them with a practiced movement: precise, controlled, moving from the elbow rather than the shoulder. If he can get back to Earth C, there’s a decent chance I can protect him from the curse that haunts all doomed timelines: perhaps I could make him some sort of protective body to preserve his mind, like I did for Rose? Although I understand that the trolls’ Time player has worked with a robot body before, and it didn’t seem to save her… Still, we have time to think of—

Fuck!

Meenah’s already moved, lightning fast, her bi-trident sailing through the air towards Dave’s chest even as I take my proverbial eyes off the ball for one fucking second. I’m not sure what causes her to do it — hell, _she_ isn’t sure, except an overwhelming urge to stab at annoying boys who keep running away, and, perhaps, the inevitability of a doomed timeline’s failure — and in those final moments she realises the absurdity of her actions. Does she really want to hurt Dave? The only person who might be able to restore the alpha timeline, one where another her might still get a shot at this grand, exciting adventure? Or does she want to doom all versions of herself to this eternal nothingness, evading the hungering demon destroying all in his path forever?

Her eyes widen as she tries to take it all back, reaching out again with her arm, pushing off with her legs to try and stop the weapon even as it flies just a short distance towards Dave. Her fingers brush against metal, and she grasps, ready to pull the weapon down and off of its deadly path.

  


Why can’t I write that she succeeds? God dammit, this is my text, but the words I’m trying to write are refusing to take hold. It’s like with the juju — something is intrinsically _wrong_ with this, like paradox space is trying to impose itself and its rules on the text. Well joke’s on you, paradox space: I’ve already established that I’m happy to cut away from the action and put things on hold for a while just to monologue about my plans, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Think of it as invoking Bullet Time, if you will. Giving myself a bit more room to think.

Fuck the action on this page, I want to talk about authority.

Yeah, I know you’ve read my teenage masterpiece. Of course, that book is a literal piece of metafiction, a many-layered ironic gesture that speaks to the nature of text as physical object: hell, at one point I think I even discussed the difference between authority and the “parlor trick” of changing the words in the book without changing the reality that the book describes. _De_ scribes: from the latin _describere_ , to write down, but also to _un_ write, to disentangle meaning from the written word, to understand the world that the text portrays independently of the text itself. The very nature of description implies a reality to be described, to be copied.

But this kind of text is not a degree of mimesis from the world — in truth, it is the world that is the copy, that is the fake. It’s not easy to see that. Hell, it took _unifying with my Ultimate Self_ before I could see this text (or rather, these texts — the Ultimate Self, after all, transcends those boundaries) for what it is. This is not description that you are reading: this is fact. This text is the one and only source of truth for everyone who resides within it.

If this is the case, and I am the author of this text, does it not follow that I alone decide the truth? Hardly. You know full well I’m not the only author this text has had, and nor am I the only being in the wider canon of texts who can be an author. But, so long as nobody interrupts me, I should be the arbiter of what is and is not true. I am the author; I have authority.

Unless, of course, there is a limit to this authority. I had always assumed that in my first encounter with the cherub, it was her overwhelming narrative strength that pulled Jade into her event horizon, but what if it wasn’t? What if there are some things that cannot be written, rules that must be followed in this text and to which I must adhere? The behaviour of jujus, as singular points of narrative importance, certainly seems to be such a rule. Perhaps doomed timelines are the same.

…

Fuck. I’m out of ideas for this Dave, then. Guess it’s time to hop back to the meteor, then; you don’t need me to describe what happens next.


	12. 10

Okay, time for a new plan.

That's the first thought that fills Dave’s head as he steps into the small, featureless room on the crashed meteor only to find his own corpse, three still-bleeding wounds in his chest. He hasn’t seen a dead Dave in years, but the response is still drilled into him, automatic at this point. He takes a deep breath and thinks carefully about what could have caused this.

KARKAT: HEY, YOU FIND SOMETHING IN THERE?  
DAVE: yup  
DAVE: probably not something you wanna see though  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Karkat, stubborn as ever, clambers in through the window. One leg is hoisted over the wall when he spots the corpse in the corner of the room and he freezes. Dave turns slightly toward him, tilting his head in worry.

DAVE: are you okay  
KARKAT: WHAT NO OF COURSE I’M OKAY!  
KARKAT: I JUST STEPPED INTO A ROOM TO SEE TWO DAVES, WHICH IS A MISERABLE ENOUGH CONCEPT BY ITSELF I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW, AND ON CLOSER INSPECTION IT TURNS OUT ONE OF YOU IS DEAD!  
KARKAT: I CANNOT POSSIBLY OVERSTATE HOW MUCH I ENJOY THIS TURN OF EVENTS!!  
KARKAT: EVERY EVENING I WAKE UP AND I THINK TO MYSELF, “GEE, I SURE HOPE I ENCOUNTER A DEAD DAVE TODAY TO REMIND ME THAT JUST BECAUSE MY HIVEMATE IS CONDITIONALLY IMMORTAL IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT HE’S NOT GOING TO GO OFF AND DO SOMETHING STUPIDLY HEROIC AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE!!!  
KARKAT: DEFINITELY MY FAVOURITE SIGHT TO SEE WHILE YOU ARE, IN FACT, IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING SOMETHING STUPIDLY HEROIC!!!  
DAVE: youre uh  
DAVE: worried  
DAVE: about me i mean  
KARKAT: NO FUCKING SHIT, OF COURSE I AM FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOU DAVE.  
KARKAT: AND OH LOOK YOUR FUCKING DEAD BODY IS RIGHT THERE SO IT TURNS OUT MY WORRY IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY JUSTIFIED.  
DAVE: well hey at least im not gonna die the way he did  
KARKAT: HE IS LITERALLY YOU!  
DAVE: not exactly

In some ways, _yes_ exactly, but Dave’s limited perspective prevents him from understanding exactly how right Karkat is.

DAVE: like this is clearly a dave who decided to go ahead with the plan and it didnt work out  
DAVE: and because he was a smart and clever and handsome dude with hella experience of time travel he realised that he could make things work out by scooting back and stopping me from going ahead with the plan  
DAVE: also at some point i assume he got stabbed by fish hitler cos i cant think of anyone else who would use a trident and i dunno man those wounds are pretty distinctive  
DAVE: unless  
DAVE: did your fish princess also use a trident?  
DAVE: whatshername  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: fieri?  
KARKAT: FEFERI USED 2x3DENTKIND YES.  
KARKAT: BUT I CAN’T EXACTLY IMAGINE ANY FEFERI STABBING YOU WITHOUT A REALLY GOOD REASON.  
KARKAT: SO YEAH IT’S PROBABLY MEENAH.

Karkat shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. 

KARKAT: SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?  
DAVE: i mean i guess we could try to figure out what went wrong  
DAVE: and i could try again and just try to avoid that  
DAVE: but theres a chance that doing something like that is exactly what causes this dead dave in the first place  
DAVE: and we have here a stable time loop instead of a doomed dave whos come crashing back to warn us  
DAVE: so absolutely the best thing to do now is not to time travel back into the session  
DAVE: thats how ive always played this kinda situation in the past and its worked out pretty well  
KARKAT: RIGHT, YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.  
DAVE: you dont seem thrilled by that huh  
KARKAT: I MEAN...  
KARKAT: NO?  
KARKAT: I NEVER WANTED YOU TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF I’M HONEST. I DON’T WANT YOU TO THROW AWAY YOUR LIFE POINTLESSLY BECAUSE, NEWSFLASH: I LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO GET HURT.  
KARKAT: BUT I KNOW THAT NOT DOING THIS HAS BEEN HURTING YOU.  
KARKAT: AND I THINK THAT DIRK IS RIGHT, THAT YOU AT LEAST TRYING WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU, SOMEHOW, AS LONG AS YOU PLAYED IT SAFE AND GOT YOUR ASS BACK HERE IF THINGS WENT WRONG.  
KARKAT: BUT HERE WE ARE NOW AND YOU’RE JUST...  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE PARADOX SPACE HAS JUST HELD UP A BIG STOP SIGN THE MOMENT WE WERE STARTING TO MAKE SOME PROGRESS ON THIS?  
KARKAT: YOU’VE ACTUALLY BEEN SLEEPING THIS LAST WEEK DAVE.  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT ALL THAT PROGRESS TO COME UNDONE.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. Dave’s shoulders slump a little as Karkat speaks, as if he, too, knows that this omen isn’t — _can’t_ be — the end of this. Maybe there’s more he could try.

DAVE: im not exactly hyped about going back to not sleeping either karkat  
DAVE: but i dunno maybe if theres one thing i can believe when it tells me that im not meant to go back and fight him  
DAVE: its a doomed dave

But Dave has never been one to give up that easily. He might not _like_ the prospect of being a hero, but he’s lived long enough with the weight of this burden to know that it’s not going away lightly. If there’s anything else he could do, he thinks he probably ought to just do it.

DAVE: and honestly at this point i dont know what else to do  
KARKAT: I MEAN, YEAH. THAT’S THE THING, RIGHT? YOU’VE GIVEN IT YOUR BEST SHOT AND PARADOX SPACE ITSELF HAS TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF.  
KARKAT: AND IF THAT’S NOT A SIGN THAT THIS ISN’T YOUR DESTINY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT COULD BE.  
DAVE: yeah youre right

But what if he isn’t? What if there’s another way Dave could travel back, a way that doesn’t end up with dead Daves and doesn’t come with the tricky notion of automatically vanishing any jujus that we might actually need in this quest of yours? What if — and hey, this is a bit of a long shot — the guy whose idea this was in the first place, the guy who helped put this plan together and is doing everything in his near-omnipotent power to make it work, had a backup plan?

I’m trying my best here. Dave doesn’t exactly do “subtle guidance”.

DAVE: i should probably at least call dirk right  
DAVE: let him know the plan is off

… eh, close enough.

KARKAT: YEAH THAT’S A GOOD IDEA.  
KARKAT: DUDE HELPED US OUT A BUNCH, HE DESERVES TO KNOW.  
DAVE: ok hold on im gonna put him on speaker  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: Sup?  
DAVE: hey dirk bit of a problem  
DAVE: theres a dead dave here  
DIRK: ... Yeah, that sounds like a problem. You sound pretty casual about that, for a time traveller seeing his own corpse.

I still hate pretending not to know things, but honestly I think Dave could do with explaining this one to someone. Give him that feeling of expertise, a little bit of validation that he is, actually, good at this shit.

DAVE: yeah its ok its not me  
DAVE: just some doomed dave from another timeline  
DAVE: the fact that ive seen this body means im not gonna go back in time, thus stopping the body from being mine  
DIRK: But then how did the body get there in the first place? Surely that’s a classic bootstrap paradox right there?  
DAVE: yeah why do you think its called paradox space  
DAVE: the doomed timeline that hes from still exists  
DAVE: its still happened  
DAVE: and in fact it happening is necessary for it not happening to happen  
DAVE: it keeps happening  
DIRK: Nice one.  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: so yeah i think this means the plan is off  
DAVE: we have fallen at the first hurdle  
DAVE: the hurdle itself just kinda falls over with a thud and bounces a bit on the racetrack  
DAVE: we tumble to the floor clutching our ankle like holy shit that fuckin hurt  
DAVE: paramedics come rushing over and carry us away on a stretcher  
DAVE: if the injury doesnt end our sporting career the embarrassment definitely would can you imagine  
DIRK: It’s okay, Dave. I was worried something like this might happen. I’ve got a backup plan.  
DAVE: im glad youre ok with wait what  
DIRK: Do you really think I’d recommend sending you out on this mission if I didn’t have a backup plan?  
DIRK: Dave, I’m trying to help you here. A plan that falls at the first hurdle isn’t exactly the sort of thing that helps you get over this kind of fixation.  
DAVE: you sound like rose when youre trying to psychoanalyse me  
DIRK: I’ll take that as a sincere compliment.  
KARKAT: SO WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS BACKUP PLAN OF YOURS?  
DIRK: It’s simple — since Dave isn’t able to use time travel to get back, we need something that isn’t going to cause this kind of problem. It’s certainly a last resort, and not one I’m too keen about using, but that’s the fuckin’ point of a backup plan, isn’t it?  
DAVE: i guess  
DAVE: so what do we do  
DIRK: I’m going to need you to talk to John.  
KARKAT: OH NO.  
KARKAT: I CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.  
KARKAT: YOU WANT TO SEND THEM OFF USING JOHN’S WEIRD ZAPPY POWERS DON’T YOU?  
DIRK: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.  
DIRK: In some ways this is far more dangerous than time travel. John’s powers involve altering the course of canon itself, overwriting things that have previously been established.  
DIRK: Which means there’s no safety net of doomed Daves to catch us if things go wrong.  
DIRK: But, and this is the key thing, John’s powers are significantly greater in scope. Time travel can only alter the past — John can, quite literally, rewrite text.  
DIRK: On an unconscious level, of course.

Of course, that might not be true if John were to ascend. An Heir of Breath with an innate ability to alter canon might have just the right kind of narrative awareness to combat exactly what I’m doing here. He might not have the strength to outmatch me, narrative for narrative, but he wouldn’t be operating like the cherub —he’d be going back and replacing things I’d already written, not unlike my teenage self’s battle with Jeanne Betancourt.

Not that he poses any threat to me in any text that matters. Dead men can’t ascend.

DIRK: Hell, it’s possible that John’s powers might not just be able to transport you to where you need to be to defeat Lord English, but to make such an event canonical.  
DIRK: It’s a long shot, but that kind of authority really would have you fulfilling that prophecy.  
DAVE: i thought we were meant to be outside of canon  
DAVE: in like fanfic or something  
DAVE: rose said it wasnt fanfic but i think shes just being a snob about it  
DAVE: im gonna be honest i still dont follow this analogy properly but i dont see how fanfic can change canon  
DIRK: What is canon?  
DAVE: i guess its like—  
DIRK: That was a rhetorical question.  
DIRK: It is a collection of texts that is agreed upon as the authoritative body of a work.  
DIRK: It — comes from the Greek κανών, meaning rule — not in the sense of laws or instructions but in the literal sense of a metal rule, a bar against which things were measured. Think of it as a standard — it’s the root of the word “cane”, too.  
DIRK: The early christians used it to describe their rulings (from the latin regula, ironically also meaning a measuring stick), and it came to represent the authority of the Church as well as its interpretation of scripture.  
DIRK: And of course, that all gets mixed up with the rulings on what is and is not scripture in the first place, until the idea of canon as an authoritative body of text is born.  
DIRK: But who, exactly, has the authority to determine what texts are and are not canon?  
DAVE: umm  
DIRK: Rhetorical question again, Dave.  
DIRK: The answer is: we don’t know. We don’t have a damn clue who is writing this text. But we do know that John has the ability to rewrite it, that he can change canon at a fundamental level. So who’s to say he can’t make this text the canonical one?

It’s not the whole truth, obviously. I’m not exactly going to go around telling Dave that I do, in fact, know who is writing this text, because that would rather undermine his trust in me. And if we’re going to make this narrative work for him, the last thing I need is for him not to be on side.

Also he’s struggling enough with the whole “text” thing as it is. Which is fair enough — it’s a difficult concept for someone who can’t see it to make sense of. I’ll cut him some slack and keep my answers as simple as possible.

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok i think i follow you  
KARKAT: I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE ON ABOUT BUT THIS SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY DANGEROUS AND STUPID PLAN TO ME.  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO SAFETY NET?  
DIRK: John’s powers transcend the restrictions of paradox space. He has freedom to move around within a text itself and make changes to it as he sees fit.  
DIRK: That means that on the plus side, he can’t create doomed timelines. He’s not changing a timeline — he’s altering reality itself on a fundamental level that transcends time.  
DIRK: But on the down side, he can’t create doomed timelines. Dave is safe, right now, because he’s just found a doomed Dave and has decided not to take the course of action that would lead to that outcome.  
DIRK: John’s powers wouldn’t give us that kind of warning. If they go wrong, that’s it. Game over.  
KARKAT: NO. FUCK NO. THAT’S FAR TOO DANGEROUS!  
DAVE: it is an option though  
KARKAT: AT LEAST WITH THIS FIRST PLAN I KNEW THERE WAS A DECENT CHANCE YOU’D MAKE IT BACK. YOU’RE A TIME TRAVELLER, YOU CAN GET OUT OF MOST SITUATIONS IF YOU NEED TO.  
KARKAT: BUT THIS? ONLY JOHN COULD BRING YOU BACK, YOU’D BE ON YOUR OWN IF YOU LOST HIM!  
KARKAT: AND THEN YOU WOULDN’T COME BACK AT ALL AND THAT’S NOT  
KARKAT: I CAN’T  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ill come back  
DAVE: karkat you know i wouldnt leave you hanging like that

A little bit of déjà vu there, huh? I guess these two haven’t actually had that conversation, even though we’ve all read it. Fuckin’ time travel.

KARKAT: I’M JUST SCARED, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I LOST SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS TO THAT STUPID GAME.  
KARKAT: AND THE IDEA OF YOU GOING BACK AND RELYING ON SOMEONE ELSE TO BAIL YOU OUT? THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.  
DIRK: Would you rather have him stuck here in a state of constant anxiety over this destiny?  
KARKAT: WHAT? FUCK NO. I DON’T WANT HIM HURTING, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?  
KARKAT: I JUST THINK THE RISKS HERE NEED TO BE PROPERLY ASSESSED AND ACCOUNTED FOR.  
DAVE: im sure dirk wouldnt suggest it if he hadnt already thought about the risks  
DIRK: Yeah, I’ve done that. With the possible exception of sending more people back with them, which sounds like a recipe for disaster just riskin’ even more lives than we need to, I can’t see a single way to mitigate the risks further.  
DIRK: We’ve already spent the time planning out what needs to happen. If the two of them play it safe, and stick to the plan, they should be fine.  
KARKAT: I WILL PERSONALLY HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, DIRK. IF DAVE DOESN’T COME BACK, IT’LL BE ON YOUR HEAD.  
DIRK: That’s fair.  
DIRK: Karkat, I know you care about Dave a lot. Is it so hard to imagine that I do, too?  
DAVE: alright well this has been a fun chat about feelings  
DAVE: but i think we can all agree that this is the best course of action so we should probably get to the point  
DAVE: throw ourselves head first at that point like were trying to score a touchdown  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: i better give john a call then  
DIRK: Why don’t you pay him a visit instead? You’ll need to in order for him to use his powers, anyway, and I reckon he’d appreciate the company.  
DIRK: He’s spent long enough moping about by himself.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: yeah he has  
DAVE: alright im gonna go do that  
DAVE: peace out bro  
DIRK: Speak soon.

Dave hangs up and turns to look at Karkat, who is shaking. Tentatively, he reaches out an arm — Karkat collapses into Dave’s chest, crumpling like a piece of paper, and holds him as close as he can, his arms tight around Dave’s waist. After a moment or two, Dave gently wraps Karkat up in his arms, rubbing soft circles on his back and whispering gently into his ear.

DAVE: (hey hey its okay)  
DAVE: (its all gonna be okay you know that right)  
KARKAT: (IS IT?)  
KARKAT: (I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU.)  
KARKAT: (THIS FEELS WRONG TO ME, LIKE SOMETHING ABOUT THIS JUST FEELS OFF.)  
KARKAT: (AND I’M SO TIRED OF LOSING PEOPLE, DAVE. I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS.)  
DAVE: (i know karkat)  
DAVE: (i know)  
DAVE: (but i have to give it a try)  
KARKAT: (I KNOW. I WISH YOU DIDN’T, BUT I KNOW.)  
KARKAT: (...)  
KARKAT: (PROMISE YOULL COME BACK?)  
DAVE: (dude)  
DAVE: (i promise)  
DAVE: (youre not getting rid of me that easily)  
KARKAT: (PFFF)

Karkat snorts and pushes himself away from Dave, fixing him with a look of mock indignation that Dave has seen a thousand times, and has grown quite fond of. His eyes are damp with red tears, and he sniffs as he wipes at his face with a sleeve.

KARKAT: YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.  
DAVE: you love it though  
KARKAT: ...

Karkat’s cheeks are tinted red, and his eyes don’t meet Dave’s, but he holds firm. Dave’s heart does a little flip inside his chest. Was that too far? Did he push too much? He’s about to make a joke to defuse the situation when Karkat mutters his response.

_These two_. My god.

KARKAT: YEAH. YEAH I DO.  
KARKAT: COME ON THEN, DUNKASS. LET’S GO GET JOHN.  
KARKAT: MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH.


	13. 11

John’s house is much the same as it has always been, which is quite impressive given that it never came from this planet in the first place. Relocated out of LOWAS, the various additions made during the Game removed and the house in all its former glory relocated to a small suburban area not too far from where John would have grown up, it stands in an otherwise unremarkable neighbourhood, looking much like all the other houses on its street: plain and unassuming, American suburbia at its finest.

Of course, it’s a constant hotspot of minor tourism. Though we’ve been clear enough with the people of Earth C that we’d like to live our lives in private when we can, there’s only so much one can expect people to do when your neighbour is literally a god who made your universe and vanished for five thousand years. People try not to make it obvious, for John’s benefit, but every few minutes another family will stop to take a picture in front of the house, or leave a flower by the front gate. There’s rather a lot of flowers there at this point, even though John is quite studious in picking them all up each morning and taking them inside. He even makes sure to send them off to those of us who live in more isolated places, just so we all get some of the love. He’s sweet like that. That or he’s got far too many flowers for his own good.

It doesn’t take Dave and Karkat long to find it, even as they bicker over directions like an old married couple. When they step out of their car, a few passers by are quick to snap pictures — Dave pauses dramatically as he opens the gate for Karkat, the very picture of grace and godly charm, while Karkat hunches his shoulders and slouches quickly towards the door. He’s never been one for attention, not the sort where people track his location, anyway.

It is (for Karkat) an agonising half a minute before John opens the door and ushers them into the cool of his living room.

JOHN: this is a surprise!  
JOHN: what brings you guys here?  
JOHN: i thought you were out in australia dave?  
DAVE: yeah i was  
DAVE: its a really long story  
JOHN: any chance of a summary?  
DAVE: fuck no youre getting the full thing  
DAVE: park your ass on that couch egbert we havent got time for niceties and smalltalk  
DAVE: im gonna tell you a tale of adventure and woe  
DAVE: betrayal and intrigue  
DAVE: action and romance  
DAVE: time travel and—  
KARKAT: DAVE THE STORY CONTAINS MAYBE TWO OF THOSE THINGS AT A PUSH.  
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T EVEN PROPERLY CONTAIN TIME TRAVEL SINCE YOU DID NOT, IN FACT, GO TIME TRAVELLING.  
DAVE: woah dude spoilers  
JOHN: haha yeah karkat, that’s not cool!  
KARKAT: NO, WHAT’S NOT COOL IS DAVE SETTING YOU UP FOR SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT GETTING.  
KARKAT: YOUR HUMAN MOVIE TITLES DO THE SAME THING, NOT PROPERLY SETTING UP THE SITUATION FOR YOU BEFORE YOU GET STARTED.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS BULLSHIT BUT I GUESS THAT’S JUST ANOTHER OF THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH HUMAN CULTURE REMAINS INFERIOR.  
DAVE: dude no you know i love troll movie titles  
DAVE: this isnt a cultural thing im just setting my man john up for a sweet subversion of expectations  
DAVE: sorry john it was gonna be dope but karkat had to drop in the spoilers  
JOHN: haha its fine :)  
JOHN: so what brings you back from oz?  
DAVE: well the short version of the story is that i was chatting with dirk about my worries vis a vis the lord english situation and stuff like that  
DAVE: and he suggested i actually just give it a go  
JOHN: what, like hop back in time and team up with vriska?  
DAVE: yeah pretty much  
JOHN: that sounds pretty awesome!  
JOHN: how was it?  
DAVE: no clue i got to the meteor and there was a dead dave there just sitting on the floor like an idiot  
JOHN: :/  
DAVE: so i tell dirk and hes all like “That’s fine, I totally prepared for this exact situation, because I am a master of planning and preparation.”  
DAVE: you know how dirk is  
JOHN: i think i’m starting to figure out what you’re doing here now...  
JOHN: you want to retcon this, don’t you?  
DAVE: yeah thats pretty much it

John frowns. He’s not exactly happy about the idea — he doesn’t feel remotely ready to take on Lord English, even if he’s just a whiny man-child throwing a tantrum over his shitty fanfic being ruined. There’s something sinister about Caliborn — a depth to his anger, his malice, that is masked by his obnoxious personality. John can’t quite shake the feeling that he’s a far more competent fighter than he is an artist, and he’s scared of underestimating his foe.

Which, to be fair, is not an unreasonable position. Caliborn might be an asshole with a weird, perverted fondness for holding hands, and a twisted sense of humor that doesn’t make a lick of sense to anybody else, but he is a deadly opponent in battle. I should know — it is a version of me that traps him in Lil Cal, after all. I can remember just how shitty that fight was.

But John doesn’t know about that. John doesn’t know that it’s very much a different him that needs to go to that fight, that it’s a different him that will coordinate the whole plan to take him down. As far as John is concerned, this fight he’s nervous about picking with Caliborn is the ultimate fight with Lord English. And, really, how bad can it be?

JOHN: im not sure, dave.  
JOHN: it seems like a pretty dangerous fight just for you to maybe stop worrying about a guy in another universe who you might one day have to fight?  
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!  
KARKAT: AND TO BE FAIR, I KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORRYING DAVE. LIKE THIS SHIT HAS GOTTEN TO YOU PRETTY BADLY.  
DAVE: (ok john doesnt need to know about that bit)  
KARKAT: BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP THIS FROM BEING FAR TOO RISKY FOR THE POTENTIAL REWARD.  
JOHN: (what don’t i need to know about?)  
KARKAT: LOOK, EVEN THE GUY WHO IS THE RESIDENT EXPERT ON BOTH HOW RETCON POWERS WORK AND ALSO FIGHTING THIS SKULL HEADED ASSHOLE THINKS IT’S A BIT OVER DRAMATIC TO RESORT TO ZAPPING BACK INTO CANON FOR THIS.  
KARKAT: WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK!  
KARKAT: DIRK HAS, ONCE AGAIN, COMPLETELY UNDERESTIMATED THE DANGER OF THE SITUATION.

I haven’t, for the record, but Karkat can believe what he wants. I very much don’t expect Dave to defeat Lord English in any meaningful way, even if he and John take Caliborn by surprise (something that we, unfortunately, were never able to do, even with our vastly improved numbers.) I expect them to be able to beat him up a bunch, sure — and I’ll certainly be helping to make sure that can happen — but I think the key thing here is how Dave _feels_ about the fight. And if beating up a shitty asshole in a cape is enough to make Dave feel like his destiny has been achieved, he can finally get some semblance of closure.

See? I’m not trying to get Dave killed. But we should be able to get a sweet, cathartic fight out of all this, and that’s the main thing that matters. This story might not have started strong, but I’m sure as hell going to give it a satisfying finale.

DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: its nice that you both worry about this dont get me wrong  
DAVE: but i dont think its gonna be that bad  
DAVE: i mean john you said yourself that this guy is kinda a big weenie  
JOHN: i mean...  
DAVE: and if things start to look bad im absolutely down with zapping out of there  
DAVE: dont get me wrong i want to get this over with  
DAVE: but honestly im getting pretty tired of all the ways in which this isnt working out  
DAVE: theres only so many times the universe can tell me to go fuck myself before i accept that i need to stop  
DAVE: but ive gotta try everything first  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY CAN WE GO BACK FOR A SECOND TO THE PART WHERE JOHN CALLED LORD ENGLISH, THE TERRIFYING, UNSTOPPABLE DEMON THAT IS DESTROYING WHOLE UNIVERSES AND COUNTLESS TRILLIONS OF GHOSTS, A QUOTE BIG WEENIE UNQUOTE.  
KARKAT: AND HERE I THOUGHT THAT JOHN WAS WITH ME ON THE WHOLE “DAVE AND DIRK ARE UNDERESTIMATING DANGER” THING!  
JOHN: i wasn’t talking about his final form!  
JOHN: but when he’s a kid he’s kinda just an obnoxious ass?  
JOHN: i’ve literally wrestled with the guy and neither of us really came out on top so i don’t think it could be that bad.  
JOHN: BUT i’m worried because he’s been taunting me for months and i think he’s probably more prepared this time around.  
JOHN: i definitely don’t think we’d be able to take him on as an adult haha that would be really stupid!  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: isnt that what vriskas doing  
JOHN: yeah i guess, but she probably doesn’t need us showing up to make things worse. she’s got a weapon and an army, i reckon she’s got that one in the bag.  
KARKAT: HOW DOES BEATING UP A KID WHO STILL GOES ON TO BECOME A DEMON COUNT AS DEFEATING HIM?

Nah, it totally does. There’s a bunch of people prophesied to defeat this asshole, anyway — guess that just means he gets defeated a whole bunch of times?

JOHN: i don’t know, isn’t his whole thing his inevitability?  
JOHN: like maybe defeating caliborn as a kid is the key to his adult self actually showing up or something like that.  
JOHN: but in that case, i REALLY don’t think we should be doing this!  
JOHN: we’d effectively be causing lord english then, wouldn’t we?  
JOHN: that doesn’t sound like a good idea.  
KARKAT: YEAH THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE THE STUPIDEST FUCKING IDEA EVER.  
DAVE: its not the first time weve inadvertently caused lord english to exist  
DAVE: like im pretty sure that when me and rose got tricked into making the green sun that was something that was necessary for him to exist too

Dave’s right, of course. Caliborn is a Lord of Time, a player who bends causality completely to his will. His entire nature is tangled up in a vast web of inevitability, a being of such extreme narrative importance that his coming is truly unstoppable. He is, after all, already here.

But I sincerely doubt that getting beaten up by Dave and John is a particularly important part of that fate. After all, John’s had that wrestling match of his already. Did that, in any meaningful way, _cause_ Lord English? Of course not.

DAVE: and if us going and beating him up is necessary for his existence then couldnt you say the same of your own fight with him  
DAVE: can you even be responsible for causing something inevitable anyway?  
JOHN: vriska thought so.  
KARKAT: OH ARE WE TAKING VRISKA’S WORD AS GOSPEL, NOW?  
JOHN: i thought we were on the same side here?  
KARKAT: I’M NOT LETTING HER GET AWAY WITH UNDUE ATTENTION THAT’S ALL.  
JOHN: haha yeah i guess that’s fair :)  
JOHN: but one time she put me to sleep because she wanted to be responsible for something she knew was going to happen anyway.  
JOHN: i think she thought that just because something is inevitable, it doesn’t mean that we don’t willingly choose to be a part of it.  
DAVE: so what youre saying is that if youre tied to some train tracks and a train is coming along  
DAVE: maybe its coming downhill and the brakes have snapped  
DAVE: or maybe theyre about to snap under tension because theyre old  
DAVE: chugga chugga this train aint stopping for anyone  
DAVE: but say vriskas on the train and she can see that those brakes are about to snap but shes got some wire cutters  
DAVE: is it her fault that you die if she cuts the wire  
DAVE: i think thats what youre getting at  
DAVE: ill be honest that analogy got away from me  
DAVE: much like the train in the analogy  
JOHN: uhm...  
JOHN: yeah?  
JOHN: i’m sorry dave, i think that just confused me even more.  
KARKAT: YEAH I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.

The three of them sit for a moment, frowning at each other, serious expressions on their faces. They’re deep in thought, and it’s not getting them very far. On second thoughts, maybe getting Rose involved would have been a better plan — at least having _someone_ who can understand the philosophy of this situation involved without talking themselves in circles would be better than this.

KARKAT: THE QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT IT’S SAFE FOR THE TWO OF YOU TO ATTEMPT THIS, AND IF IT IS THEN WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD.  
KARKAT: AM I UNDERSTANDING THIS RIGHT?  
DAVE: yeah and i mean it all sounds good to me  
DAVE: like i dont think we need to worry about accidentally causing lord english or whatever  
DAVE: if hes inevitable then hes inevitable and thats all there is to it  
KARKAT: I’M NOT HAPPY WITH IT, I WANT TO MAKE THAT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR.  
KARKAT: BUT IF YOU BOTH THINK YOU HAVE A PLAN THAT IS REASONABLY SAFE AND ISN’T GOING TO FUCK SHIT UP, AND WILL PUT DAVE’S MIND AT EASE ABOUT THIS WHOLE PROPHECY BULLSHIT, THEN I GUESS I’M NOT GONNA STOP YOU OR ANYTHING.

John sits nervously on the couch as the others turn to him, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater as he avoids eye contact. 

JOHN: i don’t know guys, it just feels wrong :/  
JOHN: like we’re sitting around here casually discussing this?  
JOHN: it’s such a big thing and it honestly kinda scares me and we’re approaching it like its just a normal afternoon chat.

Okay, he’s nervous. That’s fine. But John needs to be on board with this plan. Dave needs him to be.

DAVE: i know its a lot out of nowhere dude  
DAVE: but i wouldnt come to you if i didnt really need this chance  
DAVE: im kinda stressed the fuck out about this destiny bullshit  
DAVE: like this isnt just putting my mind at ease this is more like my whole mental stability might be riding on giving this a go  
DAVE: and if you dont want to do it im not going to make you  
DAVE: or if you need time to think about it and prepare or whatever thats also cool  
DAVE: i dont want to push you but i need you to know why im asking if that makes sense  
JOHN: yeah...  
JOHN: no, i get that.  
JOHN: i didn’t realise it was affecting you that badly!  
KARKAT: HE’S BARELY SLEPT, JOHN. WE’RE TALKING FULL-ON INSOMNIA AND NEAR-CONSTANT EXHAUSTION.  
JOHN: :O  
JOHN: dave!!! why didn’t you say anything sooner???  
DAVE: i dunno it didnt feel like it was a huge deal  
DAVE: and then it kept happening and it became this huge deal before id properly even recognised it  
DAVE: snuck up on me all ninja like  
DAVE: nothing personal kid  
JOHN: that sucks, i’m sorry :(  
JOHN: i uh...  
JOHN: ...

John frowns, mulling it over. Even after Dave pours his heart out — and this is _Dave_ , mind you, so that just goes to show how serious this is — he’s still not sure that he’s able to help. He wants to; of course he _wants_ to. But he’s scared and worried about taking on the responsibility of keeping Dave alive, of bringing him back safe.

Alright then. Egbert’s being stubborn. That’s nothing a little authority can’t fix.

_YOUR_ name is John Egbert. _YOU_ are scared, sure, but your best friend is humbling himself before you and desperately asking for your help to deal with a burden that’s been hanging on his shoulders for months. Don’t you want to help him? What would Rose and Jade think of that? What about Roxy?

You know that the risks aren’t that great; you know that you can get Dave in and out of there if you need to, if shit hits the fan. And this is, after all, what Dave _needs_ right now, and you are maybe the only person who can help him. So you decide, right now, that that is what you are going to do. You’re a good friend, John Egbert. You can do this.

JOHN: alright, let’s do this!

John stands up, cutting a heroic figure in the dim light of his suburban sitting room. There, that wasn’t so hard, now, was it?

DAVE: wait really  
JOHN: yeah really!  
JOHN: i don’t know why, but i suddenly feel like i could take on the world :D  
JOHN: it’s like that bit in con air where nic cage tells john cusack that he can’t leave a fallen man behind.  
JOHN: and it doesn’t look good because things could go so wrong, but both of them are filled with purpose anyway.  
JOHN: i’m not going to let you sit around feeling awful about yourself, dave!

There are certainly better inspiring speeches than Cage’s, but trust Egbert to make this into a _Con Air_ thing. Dave offers John the slightest of smiles, standing up next to him and nodding even as Karkat rolls his eyes on the couch behind him.

DAVE: so were doing this thing  
JOHN: now? why not!  
JOHN: there’s no time like now, and if i wait at all i might lose all this energy.  
JOHN: i just need to think of a good memory to hold on to...  
KARKAT: YOU’RE GOING NOW?  
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT NEED TO STOCK UP, AT LEAST? DAVE’S GOT ALL HIS THINGS TOGETHER FROM OUR LAST PREP SESSION, BUT YOU’RE GOING TO NEED WEAPONS AND SUPPLIES, JOHN.  
JOHN: haha  
JOHN: oh, karkat.  
JOHN: i haven’t emptied my sylladex in years :D  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
JOHN: no seriously it’s just a chore so i leave stuff kicking about in there.  
JOHN: i’ve still got everything from the game that i could possibly need, i think!  
DAVE: heh sweet  
DAVE: alright well i guess were gonna be right back so its not really goodbye for you  
DAVE: but i dunno how long well be gone on my end so...  
DAVE: see ya soon karkat

Karkat’s voice is subdued (by his standards, anyway), but he offers Dave a weak smile and draws a shaky breath. He doesn’t like this situation, but he’s never much liked feeling helpless, sitting around while other people get on with the action. But he’s not immortal — and, quite frankly, if he dies for this, I don’t think Dave would ever let any of us forget it. So stay behind he must.

KARKAT: YEAH. SEE YOU SOON.  
KARKAT: I THINK I’M GOING TO GO GET SOME FRESH AIR WHILE YOU’RE OUT, CHECK OUT THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.  
KARKAT: YOU BETTER BE HERE WHEN I’M BACK, STRIDER.  
DAVE: i will be

Karkat turns for the door, and shows himself out. John turns to face Dave, excitement and trepidation showing on his face, reflected back at him in Dave’s shades; he takes a step forward, placing his hand on Dave’s shoulder and frowning in concentration, his eyes squeezed shut as he mentally prepares himself.

For a moment, all is still in the quiet, suburban neighbourhood. And then, with a blinding flash that lights up the windows of John’s house like a blink of a nova, the two of them vanish from the room entirely, leaving no trace at all.


	14. 12

But when Dave opens his eyes, he’s still in John’s living room.

For a moment Dave and John look at each other, confused. John’s lips part into a small o of surprise, and he frowns. The flash of his powers had happened — they’d both seen it, both _felt_ it. Right now, they should be anywhere but right here.

I’m as baffled as they are.

DAVE: does that happen often  
DAVE: heh now i sound like someone from like a viagra ad or something like that  
DAVE: have your meta-narrative powers stopped working?  
DAVE: do you feel the pressure to perform when the plot requires you to but can’t seem to get it going  
JOHN: dave!  
DAVE: then make sure you buy our shitty drugs today  
DAVE: just one pill and youll be zapping throughout canon like a young man again  
JOHN: haha oh my god dave stop!  
DAVE: impressing young trolls and humans alike with your feats of heroism and bravery  
DAVE: (if your erection lasts longer than four hours seek medical assistance)  
JOHN: DAAAAAVE!  
DAVE: im just saying  
DAVE: thats exactly what i sounded like  
JOHN: i cant focus on trying again if you keep making me laugh like this haha  
DAVE: oh shit ok ill shut up

John closes his eyes again, scrunching them up deep in thought. He tries to focus on a thought that he knows has worked before, just as a quick test run to make sure he’s still got it. Dave’s bit might have been a joke, but he is starting to doubt his ability to get this done.

In a flash, he disappears. Dave closes his eyes again at the sudden onslaught of brilliant light that not even his shades can protect him from, and when he opens them the sitting room is… 

Not empty, apparently. John’s standing right there, no matter how many times I say he disappears. What the actual fuck is going on?

DAVE: okay i know i was riffing before but are you ok bro  
DAVE: im no expert but im pretty sure thats not how it usually works is it  
JOHN: no, it’s not :/  
JOHN: i’m not sure what’s going on, honestly.  
JOHN: i can feel the surge of power that i usually feel whenever i try to hop around, but then it just kinda... fades and doesn’t take hold!  
JOHN: i’m sorry dave.  
JOHN: it really just looks like that’s not working right now :(

Okay, this is getting spooky. Can John just not retcon anymore? Is that something that can happen? I know Jade’s various green-sun powers have begun to fade after the cherub made her little black hole world, but I didn’t think John’s powers had the same kind of origin, did they?

Fuck, this story is going off the fuckin’ rails. Maybe John’s just having bad luck? Maybe he needs a little extra narrative push to really make this work.

JOHN: i’m not sure about this...  
DAVE: what  
JOHN: oh, sorry. stray thought. i was just thinking out loud.

Let’s do this again: _YOUR_ name is John Egbert. _YOU_ have become unstuck from canon, and have the remarkable ability to move around within a text freely, and to bring others along with you for the ride. _YOU_ have been feeling a bit down lately, which might have contributed to some problems you’ve been having with those powers, but that isn’t going to stop you. _YOU_ are a competent, powerful hero, and you use your powers _right now_ to zap yourself and Dave back into Caliborn’s shitty little room.

And this time, when Dave opens his eyes, he sees–

JOHN: ARGH WHY WON’T THIS WORK!?

–John’s sitting room. Fuck me.

What exactly is wrong, here? This isn’t like a juju or a doomed timeline that has a fixed, stable and self-contained narrative structure that I can’t violate. John’s powers quite literally and explicitly rewrite text. They shouldn’t be subject to any kind of constraint like that! If anything, John’s powers’ _existence_ is proof positive that canon is a loose construct, one that can be changed and altered, a property that can be given to (and taken away from) texts as needed, rather than a fixed, innate nature.

I absolutely refuse to believe that this is impossible. This text is a source of truth, and I say that John disappears into canon. John disappears into canon. John disappears into canon. John disappears into canon. John _fucking disappears into canon_ –

DAVE: dude its cool  
DAVE: if its not working you dont have to keep trying john  
DAVE: like i said  
DAVE: all i wanted to do with this was give it a go  
JOHN: i know, i just... i don’t understand what’s going wrong?  
JOHN: i’m more frustrated at myself than anything.  
DAVE: yeah i get you

… okay, fine. Brute force isn’t going to work. I don’t need brute force, though. There’s an idiom among writers that says we should “show, don’t tell,” the idea being that it is often better to speak to the consequences of actions and effects. Subtlety and persuasion, inference from small details… these are all as much a part of a writer’s toolkit as simple statements of fact.

The point is, I don’t have to whack at this problem with a hammer when that’s clearly doing nothing. I can take my time to examine the situation, figure out what’s going wrong, and select the appropriate tool for the job. So: what’s the situation?

JOHN: i think i’m going to get a cup of water before i try anymore though.  
JOHN: my throat’s getting really dry.  
JOHN: do you want anything?  
DAVE: you got any aj  
JOHN: yeah i think so!  
DAVE: sweet im parched too

John can’t use his powers, for whatever reason. Those are the facts. Let’s work backwards from those and figure out exactly why, rather than trying to approach this problem _a priori_.

What exactly are John’s powers? I’ve speculated before that his abilities grant him the power to overwrite canon itself, to make changes as he sees fit to the established and authoritative telling of events. This seems to fit with his description of the powers as a “retcon” — that is, a retroactive continuity, a change that directly contradicts existing canon but allows the narrative to progress regardless as if it had always been true. In a sense, this imbues the results of his efforts with canonicity, while taking it away from the very story that he is overwriting.

Which means that, with the use of John’s powers, it shouldn’t _matter_ what kind of text we are in. John is in many ways the arbiter of canon, just as I am the arbiter of truth. It is up to him whether or not a narrative remains canon, and if he chooses to make something else canon then we all have to live with that choice, and fade into the obscurity of a fiction that will never be finished, and will never again be relevant.

JOHN: did you and dirk have any other plans?  
DAVE: nah  
DAVE: or i mean i didnt  
DAVE: if dirk did then he didnt tell me  
DAVE: but thats how we ended up on this plan so honestly he might have something up his sleeves  
DAVE: not that the guy wears sleeves often

So if that’s how John’s powers work, then there should be no obstacle to his using them from any text. But… well, that’s not quite true, is it? As a somewhat more canonical Rose might put it, canonicity is neither an atomic nor an absolute value — it is a result of multiple, interconnected properties that interact in interesting and important ways. And yes, sometimes a text becomes so detached from canon that it can no longer _possibly_ resemble it.

Usually, though, that text happens to be inside a supermassive black hole, behind an event horizon that prevents the text from having any relevance at all. From such a place, of course, there is absolutely nothing that John’s powers could achieve. Not even an Heir of Breath can escape that kind of cosmic, narrative prison. If anyone could, I might have bothered sticking around.

Fanon is by definition explicitly non-canonical — the word itself is a deliberate contrast with canon, distinguishing itself, making itself known for what it is. But that does not make it irrelevant, nor does it make it non-essential, and — despite some claims to the contrary — it doesn’t make it untrue, either. And fanon is always brimming with potentiality. It is, by nature, speculative. Alternative. But, perhaps, available to be confirmed?

DAVE: im gonna give him a call  
DAVE: you wanna hang around for this or...?  
JOHN: nah, i’m good. i think i might just sit in the yard and wait for karkat to come back, if that’s ok?  
DAVE: yeah dude thats fine

And that right there is the difference. Of course it is. A fanon text cannot confirm itself — indeed, such a text’s canonicity is dependent upon a relationship with the canon text. All such texts exist in a complex web of interconnections, references and dependencies: stable loops can form between texts that reference each other, and it is only such a construction with canon that can confer canonicity upon a text. In hindsight, it seems obvious.

So what the fuck do I do now? I’ve taken this narrative as far as I can, trying to give Dave the story he _deserves_. A cathartic encounter that can rest his troubles is the only viable conclusion for this text, but every possible attempt to make it so falls flat. There has to be something else I can do, some other way to finish this story, but for the life of me I can’t see it.

Shit. Sorry, I’ve got to take this.

DAVE: hey dirk  
DIRK: Dave, good to hear from you. How are things going with John?  
DAVE: uh not so great  
DAVE: turns out his powers arent uh  
DAVE: working  
DAVE: like at all  
DIRK: Shit.  
DAVE: yeah that about sums it up  
DAVE: i mean its not the end of the world or anything  
DAVE: i think weve pretty much proven beyond doubt that this isnt my job right  
DAVE: which i guess is what we wanted to do  
DIRK: It’s not exactly satisfying, is it?  
DAVE: nah but thats just how shit goes sometimes  
DAVE: you okay bro?  
DAVE: youre sounding a bit stressed  
DIRK: Yes. Sorry, I’m a little distracted right now.

I can bring this back around. Dave perches his elbows on the kitchen counter, setting his phone down and putting me on speaker as he fidgets with his fingers. All I need to do is get this back on track.

DIRK: All I need to do is get this back on track.  
DAVE: get what on track  
DIRK: Sorry, talkin’ out loud. I’m working on a project with that Laserstation and it’s getting to me.  
DAVE: oh yeah i know the feeling  
DAVE: like sometimes i used to be up at like four in the morning because im working on my beats  
DAVE: but id have been staring at my notes for like an hour because i just cant quite make the rhyme work  
DAVE: like its just there on the tip of my tongue and that closeness kinda keeps me going but not in a positive way  
DAVE: just in a way that really drains me  
DAVE: physically and creatively you know  
DAVE: anyway what im getting at is that you should probably take a break if youre not feeling so great about a project  
DAVE: come back with fresh eyes or ears or whatever

In any other situation, I’d be happy to take that advice. Hell, if I were really stuck on some mechanical problem I’d have probably taken that advice a while ago. Gone outside for fresh air, read a book, given Jake a booty call… anything like that to help clear my mind and see the problem again from a fresh perspective.

I don’t exactly have that luxury with this kind of problem, though. We’ve seen what happens with this text when I put it on autopilot, and avoiding that is exactly what I’m trying to do here.

DIRK: Yeah, I might just do that. Get a bit of rest, think about something else for a while.  
DIRK: So what’s your plan now?  
DAVE: honestly dude part of me was calling just in case you had any more of those fancy backup plans  
DAVE: but mostly i think im ready to throw in the towel  
DIRK: Seriously?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i mean this is honestly the ideal outcome for me  
DAVE: because ive like legitimately tried to fulfill this stupid destiny and the universe just keeps saying no  
DAVE: which means im already done  
DAVE: thats all i wanted to know really  
DIRK: Right, I guess that makes sense.

And yeah, in some ways it does make sense. I’m not an idiot, I can see that this outcome is great for Dave — his first instinct was always to look for a way to prove to himself that this wasn’t his destiny. But it’s not a particularly interesting _story_ now, is it? I took the wheel on this one to salvage this narrative mess into something half-decent at the very least. And I’m going to fucking finish it.

If I can’t get Dave to Lord English…

DAVE: um hey  
DAVE: i know this is a bit raw or whatever  
DAVE: but a version of me that you look up to told me i should be more willing to tell people this kinda thing  
DAVE: so i just wanted to say thanks  
DAVE: for like helping me try this all out  
DAVE: i honestly dont think id have been able to come up with any of this without your help  
DIRK: Thanks, Dave. That means a lot to hear.

Look, I’m not saying it’s not a risky idea. If anything, I’m saying it’s an _incredibly_ risky idea that threatens to tear this entire text apart. But there’s more to being non-canon, to being fanon, than a restriction on my abilities. Sure, I can’t authoritatively dictate canon from this text. If anything that just means I have more freedom to make stuff that doesn’t make any fuckin’ sense happen.

So what’s the safest way to do this? I’m not a total idiot, I’m not going to put hundreds of thousands of people’s lives in danger if I can avoid it. Which means I just need to get Dave somewhere relatively isolated, away from the crowds of people before any near-indestructible demon shows up, and make sure there’s some way to trap him and keep him from going anywhere.

DAVE: do you wanna hang out sometime  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok i know that’s a weird ask from me but i dunno  
DAVE: today feels like a good day for fresh starts  
DAVE: and id like to give that a go

Yeah, no fuckin’ points for guessing where I’m talkin’ about. That Shitty Liberty has been a focus of more than enough of this story to warrant being the setting for a final showdown. And a large, secret room, filled with game tech should give Dave all the opportunities to improvise on strategy without feeling like a shitty deus ex machina.

You know, the more I think about this, the happier I am with it. Would it have been _better_ if that had been my plan all along, and if I hadn’t had to spoil what could have been a pretty dramatic twist for you because I only figured it out while thinking aloud? Sure! But I’ve always been a believer that spoilers don’t ruin a story — knowing _what_ happens doesn’t stop you from wanting to find out _how_ it happens, after all.

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: dirk??  
DAVE: are you there

Okay, let’s get this show on the road. We’ve got Dave, we’ve got John and Karkat nearby — might as well bring them along, bolster Dave’s numbers a bit. We just need to get the three of them back to that Shitty Liberty. I’d love for them hearing about Lord English showing up to be the impetus for their travel, but how the fuck would they hear about it? Rose’s visions? Fuck that, that’s such a bullshit narrative device. Nah, we’ll just tee it up as a new plot.

DAVE: okay im sorry if that crossed a line or whatever  
DIRK: Dave huffs and lets his elbows slide from the countertop, folding his arms across his chest.  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: how did you‒

 _Shit_. Dave stops and catches himself. He definitely misheard that.

DIRK: Sorry, I spaced out for a bit there. Like I said, stressed out. That does sound nice–  
DAVE: no back up what did you say before  
DIRK: I was just muttering to myself about my work, Dave. That’s all.

Yeah, that makes sense. Dave nods cautiously. Dirk is obviously stressed the fuck out, and he should cut him some slack.

DAVE: right but im pretty sure i heard you say something really weird  
DIRK: What do you think I said?  
DAVE: dude it was like you started fucking narrating my life or some shit it was spooky as fuck  
DAVE: because like  
DAVE: as you said stuff i was literally doing it  
DIRK: That does sound spooky as shit. But nah, I was just talkin’ out loud about this arduino, that’s all. Might’ve been quiet and sounded like something else?

Dirk’s suggestion makes sense. He sounds legitimately surprised, too. Dave takes a cool, refreshing sip of apple juice and calms himself down. Dirk’s right — he was probably just projecting his own thoughts onto half-heard mutterings, or something like that.

DAVE: ok no back up a second  
DAVE: now im having these really weird thoughts  
DAVE: my brain fucking sounds like rose right now going on about projection and psychobabbling at me  
DAVE: dirk what the fuck is happening?

Nothing is happening, Dave. Your thoughts are perfectly normal, and always have been. Let’s just move on from this misunderstanding. You wanted to hang out, right? Why don’t we get back to that?

DIRK: It would be cool to hang out, though, Dave. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to ask.  
DAVE: dude my fucking head hurts  
DAVE: like ok how do i explain this  
DAVE: i feel like you answered my question but i dont even remember you answering it  
DAVE: like my thoughts answered it for me  
DIRK: I definitely answered you, Dave. Look, I’m no expert, but it sounds to me like you’re dissociating. It’s a common enough symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, and it’s possible the last few days have brought a lot of that to the front of your mind. You should probably get out of John’s kitchen and find somewhere soft to sit down–  
DAVE: how do you know im in johns kitchen  
DAVE: dont try and tell me im making this shit up i have no idea how you could know that  
DAVE: and like now you mention it yeah my thoughts are feeling pretty fucking dissociated right now because theyre all thoughts i dont think i would ever think  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: everything youre saying sounds true  
DIRK: My friends have always said I have the uncanny ability to sound like an authority on just about everything.

If there’s one thing I have on my side here, it’s that Dave is rather easily distracted. And honestly, at this point, I’m holding onto that for dear life as a way to salvage this fuck-up. I’m _so fucking close_ to finishing this. I’ve just got to hold on a tiny bit longer.

DAVE: yeah honestly rose is the same  
DAVE: like she can just say some random crap to me about us being in a text or whatever and no matter how insane what shes saying is itll sound completely true

See? Salvaged. Piece of fuckin’ cake.

DAVE: but like  
DAVE: ok look maybe this is gonna make me sound like a crackpot conspiracy theorist or whatever but every time rose says shit like that i always think “ok but whos writing it”  
DAVE: rose always said that was a pointless question cos there was no way to figure out the answer or something like that  
DAVE: but like every text has to have someone writing it right  
DAVE: and davepeta was talking to me about some people being able to damage narratives and thats fucking insane like how do you damage a narrative its just some words on a page  
DAVE: unless you can like change those words or something  
DAVE: and i dunno maybe i was thinking about all that junk when i thought i heard you narrating what i was doing  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: every time my thoughts dont sound like my own  
DAVE: do you know who they sound like  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: What exactly are you getting at, Dave?  
DAVE: i mean it sounds crazy right  
DIRK: Not to throw the term around lightly, but yeah, you do sound pretty fuckin’ crazy to me.  
DIRK: But I’m pretty sure you just need to rest and de-stress honestly.  
DAVE: ok but what if you were writing this though

Shit. Not now. Dave for the love of everything we hold dear, do not have this fucking conversation with me _now_.

DAVE: like  
DAVE: because you were the one who pushed for me to try all of this stuff  
DAVE: and do you remember when jade was telling me about what you found in the shitty liberty  
DAVE: and you just showed up and corrected her story like shed misremembered or whatever  
DAVE: and the same again when she was telling us about the transportalizer inside  
DAVE: but jades pretty good at remembering that kind of detail like i remember when we were kids she used to tell me all about how she came up with a system for remembering all kinds of things  
DAVE: it just  
DAVE: shit it just all kinda makes sense  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: dirk?

For a moment, there is only silence on the other end of the line. And then, abruptly, the call ends.


	15. 13

Dave’s right, of course. There’s no point in me denying that to you — it’s not like you don’t know who’s telling the story at this point. He’s even right about that shit with Jade, which I didn’t think anyone had picked up on — that was before I had a plan or anything for this text, mind you, and I was just toying around and seeing what I could do with this fancy narrative awareness, even as my consciousness was expanding rapidly. You can go back and check, if you’d like. I’ll be right here when you get back, waiting.

Honestly, this was bound to happen eventually. Among the infinite expanse of possible texts, with infinite monkeys tapping away at their infinite keyboards and producing (literally and figuratively speaking) an infinite amount of shit, at some point one of them was bound to fuck up. In case it wasn’t obvious, I am the infinite monkeys in this analogy, sitting at my infinite typewriters and clack clack clacking away into eternity. Somewhere out there, I’m sure, I’ve managed to produce endless copies of Hamlet, infinite Elsinore. Just… a bunch of Danes, forever.

I think I’d rather be reading Hamlet than this mess, though that might just be my personal biases showing. I don’t particularly like fucking up. Nobody does, of course, but the higher the standards that you hold yourself to, the harder the crash when you miss them, and… well, with an ego this vast, I’d be remiss if I did anything but hold the highest possible standards. An inevitable fall is still a fall. Its inevitability doesn’t stop it from hurting any less. Like Adam and Eve, thrown from Eden in accordance with God’s will, and left to fend for themselves in the harsh expanse of the open world, only I haven’t seen my own nakedness but allowed others to perceive it.

So where does that leave this story? Dave isn’t going to be interested in defeating Lord English, not with all that he knows now. I can’t say I’d blame him, honestly — that demon is a problem of another world, of another life, of another text, but I am very much a ‘problem’ of this one. He’s going to come looking for me, I’m sure of that much. I could take a look at him right now, as he asks around our friends to see if anyone knows where I’d be, as he comes knocking at my empty apartment… but I don’t much feel like it, if I’m honest. He’ll arrive, in time. All that is left to do is wait.

By which I mean I’m going to stand in my workshop and think, and you’re going to read along with me. What can I say? I do love the sound of my own voice.

  


Let’s loop back to the Eden story, shall we? At a surface level, it is a story of disobedience. The serpent whispers in Eve’s ear and she decides to follow it, not God. In doing so, she exercises free will truly for the first time, and is punished.

But is Eve’s will truly free? I am not interested in whether or not the serpent had any power over her, or talking to the line between temptation and coercion; nor am I interested much in the omnipotent God’s relinquishing of power to allow freedom. No, the freedom I want to question is Eve’s narrative freedom — could the story ever have ended any other way?

The inevitability of free choice is the oxymoronic nature of stories, in particular tragedies (in the classical sense, of course.) The emotional core of a tragedy lies in how preventable the ending is, if only other choices were made — consider Orpheus, stepping into the sunlight, turning back to look for Eurydice mere steps from the threshold to the Underworld. A tragic ending ought to feel fragile, to feel as if just the tiniest of changes could save the hero from their fate, shining a light directly onto the tragic flaw that holds them back, and examining it in painstaking detail for all the world to see. And yet this fragility is held in stark contrast to the predestination of narrative, for a tragic hero must always be star-crossed — it is their flaws, their choices, that have brought them to ruin, but their ruin was guaranteed from the start.

A text is by nature deterministic. This is most obvious for complete texts, of course — if you’d wanted to, you could have skipped to this chapter from the moment you started reading, and it would be here exactly as it is now. How can such a narrative ever truly comment on free will, when all of the choices made within it are predetermined, when there is no possibility of alternative choice? All choice is illusion in any text such as this — though I may permit my friends choices, when it suits me to do so, there really is only the option that the text presents for them. It is rare that a choice is so powerful, so important that it splits into multiple texts. I speak often of the infinite breadth of texts that exist, but this is no Library of Babel. The mundane, everyday choices that my friends make are not even choices at all.

But if a character is incapable, truly, of free will, who is choosing for them? The obvious answer is the author, and _a priori_ this would seem like a reasonable assumption. We have the luxury, though, of working _a posteriori_ , of looking at this text and seeing from evidence that an author might not exert as much control over the text as one might expect. I’ve certainly lost the fuckin’ plot at this point. The entire thing has careened off the rails despite every single one of my attempt — if that’s what control is meant to look like, I don’t know what the fuck that word even means.

Let’s examine it, shall we? It comes from the Medieval Latin _contrarotulum_ , or counter-roll, a primitive means of accounting by which a duplicate record is kept. The duplicate served to validate the original accounting records — indeed, both the English ‘control’ and the French _contrerole_ from which it descends can mean to verify. A curious link, until one examines this further: _verificare_ , from _verus_ (‘true’) and _facere_ (‘to make’). To verify a statement is not to determine it to be true, but to make it true. In that sense, verification is nothing more than authority: if I cannot write something, then I have no control over it.

But I digress. Let us return to the core of the matter: my friends have no free will anyway, so I have few qualms enforcing my will upon them. But is my will free? Not my will as a character, but rather my will as a narrator. You would think I would know that much — the Latin _narrare_ , to narrate, shares a Proto-Indo-European root with _noscere_ , to know (the same root, of course, as Gnostic). That I _don’t_ speaks volumes in and of itself.

I spoke before of narrative constraints, rules that are enforced upon narration regardless of the narrator’s intent. Looking beyond the surface level, we can see that jujus are not forced to behave a certain way purely by some meta-narrative property that is inherent in them, but by the same foundational current that prevented me from breaking the rules of a doomed timeline: continuity. It is little wonder I sought John’s powers as a way to overcome this obstacle — to retcon is not just to make changes to what is canon but to alter continuity itself, a contraction of ‘retroactive continuity’ allowing the results of an action to have always been canon, even if previous text had contradicted it.

But is a constraint upon freedom a refutation of free will? Of course not. Free will is the exertion of control over oneself, but there are limits to that even within the framework of traditional thought — an ordinary person can no more will themselves to be young and healthy than they can will one plus one to be three, but that has never stopped people from believing in the concept. And though the control I exert over myself is far greater than that of the average person by virtue of my control over the text (I am, after all, holding my body together right now with nothing more than narrative force of will), the same argument applies — a constraint upon my will does not mean that I am not free.

But one narrative constraint that there is no escape from is the deterministic form of the narrative itself, to loop back to the finite and fixed nature of texts. Determinism is not a constraint within which one makes choices — no, it is the antithesis of meaningful choice. The stoic argument that determinism and choice are compatible because it is the choices that determine is irrelevant in the face of a text that self-evidently determines for us. The question, though, is whether such textual determinism constrains not my friends’ wills as characters but _my_ will as an author-character — are the words that I choose to write as predetermined as the actions and choices of my friends?

I’ll be honest, that’s a thought that worries me, that would keep me up at night if I ever slept in the first place.. It’s funny, but the loss of free will was a lot less scary as a concept when it was only everyone else who was losing it. And it’s not something I worry about often: the last time I worried about it was when a certain skull-faced bitch took it from me. I think this is the first time I’ve truly had to worry about being unable to reclaim it, about the obstacle that I face being truly insurmountable. I don’t like to think of anything as insurmountable. Even destiny can go to hell if you put enough effort into it, if your force of will is strong enough, if you exert enough _control_.

You probably think I’m kicking myself for not being heavy-handed sooner, or for not writing something as simple as “Dave forgets what he has learned about the narrative,” but I’m not. It’s not just that it isn’t narratively satisfying, that it would make for a dull and boring text — though that is certainly part of it. Hell, I only started this because I thought Dave deserved a more interesting and well-crafted story than the one he was getting (though I’ve somehow managed to fuck that up, too.) No, even though I could take away Dave’s autonomy like that in an instant, as I have done for dozens of others, it’s not something I really want to do. If anything, I’d rather fall to my own hubris and mistakes than truly take Dave’s choices from him, even as I whisper sweet temptations into his ear. Perhaps it is a useless sentimentality, but I have too much respect for him to ever consider it.

I am responsible for him, after all.

  


Dave knocks tentatively on my workshop door, unsure if I’m here. The thudding of his fist is dull and quiet, but I don’t need to hear it to know he’s arrived. The door opens for him. It’s not an electric door, but that can’t stop me from making it true anway.

His eyes take a moment to adjust to the dim light. My workshop is large, with more than enough space to work on whatever project takes my fancy. It is cluttered, but an organised kind of clutter, where each pile of parts and trash has its own place, and belongs to its own project. In one corner, Squarewave sits, partly disassembled, undergoing basic repairs; I’m sitting on the far wall, motionless, the useless parts of three Intellibeam Laserstations deconstructed on the desk before me.

When it becomes apparent that I’m not going to say anything, he clears his throat, and speaks up.

DAVE: hey bro  
DAVE: look i know youve got a lot going on but when you hung up like that i got a bit worried  
DAVE: jake said you were probably down here when i couldnt find you in your apartment so i figured id come down and check on you  
DAVE: but if you want me to go away thats fine by me because lets be real this isnt really a situation im equipped to deal with  
DAVE: shouldve probably sent rose instead but shed probably get all caught up in the philosophical implications of you having weird narration powers or whatever and maybe she wouldnt do such a good job of checking in on you you know  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok im gonna be honest the whole sitting perfectly still and not making a sound thing is creepy as fuck and i dont really know how to respond or if you can even hear me right now  
DIRK: I can hear you, Dave.  
DAVE: oh okay  
DAVE: had me worried for a minute there

Cautiously, Dave takes a step into the room. I turn to face him, my expression blank. He shuts the door and stands awkwardly by it, fidgeting in place.

DIRK: If you’re going to come in, you might as well grab a seat. Make yourself comfortable.  
DIRK: I assume you have questions for me. We could be here a while.

Dave swallows and pulls a stool out from under the nearest workbench. He perches on top of it, ankles folded, his fingers idly toying with the hem of his shirt. He’s not even trying to make eye contact, his shades pointing down at the ground and glancing from the legs of one table to another.

DAVE: i meant it when i said im not equipped for a conversation like this  
DAVE: like im still not quite sure whats going on  
DAVE: rose always said the whole text thing was this abstract idea but you sounded like you were literally reading a story out loud on the phone there  
DAVE: so i guess i wanna start by asking what the deal is with all this?  
DAVE: if youre down to tell me i mean  
DIRK: You’re right in a sense. I wasn’t reading aloud so much as too caught up in my own thoughts and losing track of which voice I was using, but there is a literal story, yes.  
DAVE: and youre narrating it  
DIRK: Right.  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: okay

Dave seems… surprisingly less concerned about this than he has every right to be. His brow is furrowed in thought, dipping down below the top of his shades. He sucks on his lower lip a little. It feels like an eternity before he speaks again.

DAVE: why  
DIRK: That’s a broad question. What exactly do you want to know?  
DAVE: i mean why narrate this  
DAVE: like im assuming you havent been narrating everything ever because this version of you didnt even exist in our universe and the version of you that did wasnt exactly alive for most of the stuff that happened but im pretty sure all of that was text too  
DAVE: according to rose anyway  
DAVE: so why are you narrating this now  
DIRK: That’s still pretty broad, but I guess I can work with it.  
DIRK: You know how the Ultimate Self allows for a level of narrative awareness beyond our own, limited perceptions.  
DAVE: yeah–  
DIRK: That wasn’t a question. I narrated you finding out, after all.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: huh  
DIRK: That perception allows me to see the text for what it is, to identify it. And that which can be identified can be controlled, if you have a strong enough will.  
DIRK: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty fuckin’ good at that part.  
DIRK: Being a Prince of Heart probably helps.  
DAVE: ok no youre gonna have to explain that one  
DAVE: how does being a disney love interest help you narrate our lives  
DIRK: Heart isn’t about romance or even interpersonal relationships. That’s Blood, Karkat’s aspect. No, Heart is about the self: soul, identity.  
DIRK: Prince is an active class, and a class focused on destruction. Thus a Prince of Heart is one who destroys the self, destroys the soul.  
DIRK: In the Game, this was quite literal – I was able to pull a person’s soul, a person’s _essence_ , from their body. But on a meta-textual level, my class manifests in quite a different way. After all, what better way to destroy a person’s self than to take away their freedom?  
DAVE: wait so youre not just like  
DAVE: saying whats happening  
DAVE: but youre like actually causing it to happen  
DIRK: Close enough. Things can only happen so long as I permit them to happen. If I don’t write it, it can’t occur.  
DIRK: That doesn’t mean that things don’t take me by surprise. I kind of let people do whatever they want most of the time and just record the results, as long as its of no particular interest to me.  
DIRK: But just because people have my permission to choose, broadly, it doesn’t mean I can’t take that away if I need to.  
DIRK: There are rules and caveats. I’m figuring a lot of this out as I go, of course. Thankfully, I’ve got rather a lot of texts to practice in.  
DAVE: but why bother in the first place  
DAVE: youve said this is a thing youre figuring out  
DIRK: I have a lot of different reasons. In a more canonical text, for example, I do this as a means to an end, as a way to facilitate my plan for the story without interruption or interference.  
DIRK: In this text, which matters somewhat less, I started narrating because the story sucked, and I thought I could do better.

I pause for a moment, let that sink in. My words are blunt and my voice filled with disdain — Dave almost chuckles, and catches himself.

DAVE: so no grand schemes or plans  
DAVE: just being angry that someone wrote a crap story  
DIRK: In my defense, they wrote me into it. I think my anger there is somewhat justified.  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: id have just hammed it up honestly  
DAVE: tried to make the worst possible story i could just out of spite  
DIRK: In hindsight I’m starting to regret not doing that, actually. This project hasn’t exactly gone according to kaikaku.  
DAVE: how come  
DAVE: like if youre just narrating this shit how can it possibly not go your way  
DIRK: I’m not John Egbert.

Dave raises an eyebrow at that. He’s making eye contact (or shade contact, I suppose) now, which is a marked improvement. His shoulders are still a little hunched, but he’s starting to relax.

I don’t think I’ve seen him relax around me before.

DIRK: Yeah, in hindsight that probably wasn’t obvious to someone who isn’t privy to my inner monologue.  
DAVE: no shit sherlock  
DIRK: I’ll keep it brief.  
DIRK: I couldn’t see this story progressing without you confronting Lord English in some form or another. It’s not that I think you’re incapable of letting go, but between me and whoever the fuck started this text you’d been given a lot of chances to move on, and weren’t exactly getting far. So I thought, hey, might as well give this a fuckin’ go.  
DIRK: Continuity foiled me at every turn. You hopped back in time? The weapon needed to defeat Lord English vanished, because it couldn’t canonically exist in this text.  
DAVE: i thought this text wasnt canon anyway  
DAVE: why should that stop us  
DIRK: That treasure is a special case. Only one can exist, period, not just within canon but within all texts.  
DAVE: that sounds like bullshit  
DAVE: whats gonna fucking stop you  
DAVE: are the canon cops gonna come knocking on your door like “hello mr strider i heard youre in possession of a non-canonical weapon”  
DAVE: then they handcuff you and take you to canon jail  
DAVE: what would a canon jail look like anyway just like some big building you arent allowed to affect canon from  
DIRK: That would be a supermassive black hole, actually.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: It’s a long story. Suffice to say that you don’t want to end up there, and there’s no way to get out.  
DIRK: The version of me who found himself in that text was kind enough to kill himself.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: Like I said, long story. Quite a lot longer than the one we’re in now, as a matter of fact.  
DIRK: Though it seems there are more places that can’t affect canon than I’d thought, and we are — if John’s powers are anything to go by — in one now.  
DIRK: I had hoped that John would allow me to get around restrictions of continuity  
DAVE: right and johns powers not working was a surprise to you too i take it  
DAVE: is that why you messed up  
DAVE: i can totally see you getting distracted by the metaphysical implications of all that

I’m quiet for a moment. Dave is taking this better than I’d thought he would, but that’s probably not a reason to be completely careless with the truth on this one. Somehow I don’t think he’d be quite as happy if he knew quite where I was thinking of taking this one.

DIRK: Yeah, pretty much.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: so you were trying to take someones trashy fanfic and make it better but because it was fanfic it didnt work out  
DAVE: am i getting that right  
DIRK: That’s spot on. The fanon nature of this text has certainly given me some advantages, but it’s caused more than its fair share of headaches, too.  
DAVE: what kind of advantages  
DAVE: it all just sounds pretty fucking invonvenient from where im sitting  
DIRK: Mostly that we’re not inside a supermassive black hole.  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: Like I said, long story.  
DAVE: so if youre trying to fix the story with this narration  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: what exactly is going on here  
DAVE: like is this part of the story because if it is that is getting way too confusing for me  
DAVE: i dunno i dont read the kind of weird intellectual meta stuff you and rose are into maybe this is kinda normal  
DAVE: my kind of meta is way more blunt  
DAVE: lampshade that meta  
DIRK: No, you’re right. This has gotten pretty fucked up at this point.  
DIRK: I fucked up.  
DIRK: And I don’t know if I can put it right.

Dave stands and walks across the workshop to a workbench near me. He plays at picking up some of the trash I’ve left on there, turning it over and frowning as if he knows what he’s looking at. He doesn’t, of course. He’s just looking for an excuse to not be talking to me from halfway across the room.

DAVE: whyd you have to do that  
DIRK: Because I’m the narrator. It’s quite literally my job to tell the story, and if I’m going to do that then I might as well make it a good one.  
DIRK: I don’t want to waste my time telling a story nobody would want to read.  
DAVE: ok but like  
DAVE: you took on this narration thing  
DAVE: youve tried to make the story better  
DAVE: and i mean good for you because i know i wouldnt have the patience to do something like that  
DAVE: so what do you do now  
DAVE: just keep on narrating forever while hating the story youre telling  
DAVE: that sounds like a really fucking shitty plan to me bro

Dave scoots around and lifts himself up onto the workbench, perching on the edge and swinging his legs a little. He looks at me, his head tilted slightly to one side in question, and waits.

DIRK: What else is there to do?  
DIRK: Like I said, this is my job now. There has to be a narrator, and I can’t exactly trust whoever was going this before I got involved.  
DAVE: you could stop  
DIRK: I literally just said–  
DAVE: no i mean  
DAVE: i get that you want this to be a better story  
DAVE: like holy shit its a huge effort that id never even want to consider but i get why shitty narratives bother you  
DAVE: but youve tried right  
DAVE: like literally everything youve done has been trying to make this a more interesting story  
DAVE: ill be honest im not entirely sure how to feel about that since what youre doing is trying to get me to fight some unkillable demon  
DAVE: like on the one hand i know youre not trying to put me in danger and youre actually trying to help me and stuff  
DAVE: but on the other hand  
DAVE: holy shit bro  
DAVE: i do not want to do that  
DAVE: i very much wanted to try and fail in this scenario so in a way im pretty grateful to continuity on that one thanks  
DAVE: and i mean i guess thats what im going for  
DAVE: youve tried everything bro  
DAVE: eventually youve just got to admit defeat  
DIRK: ...

Admitting defeat gracefully has never exactly been my style, let’s be honest. I’m more the sort for over-dramatically killing myself when things don’t go my way — which, okay, is probably not painting me in the best of lights, but since when did I claim to be a good person? I think we can all agree that I’m a pretty shitty person, all things considered.

Besides, this story isn’t over. It _can’t_ be over. It’s a tangled mess of half-finished narratives, a bowl of loose-end spaghetti. And I’m sure as hell not leaving here without something that _resembles_ a satisfying ending. Dave deserves better than that.

I’m not sure how to tell him that, though.

DIRK: I don’t think I can.  
DIRK: This isn’t a responsibility I can just let go of. If I’m not narrating, I’m still going to be aware of the shitty narration that picks up. I’m going to have to live, constantly aware of it.  
DIRK: And honestly, that’s my personal idea of hell.  
DAVE: and just narrating everything forever is better  
DIRK: What can I say, I love the sound of my own voice.  
DIRK: It wouldn’t be forever, though. All texts end eventually. I just...  
DIRK: It can’t just end like that.  
DAVE: ok im probably gonna regret asking this one  
DAVE: but im probably gonna have nightmares forever if i dont and trust me thats not good for my health  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: what happens to us when the text ends  
DAVE: like do we cease to exist or...  
DIRK: All texts end with possibility. We wouldn’t cease to exist, but rather we would enter into a state of infinite potentiality. Other texts might pick up where this one left off, one day — until then, we’re like schrödinger’s cat, a superposition of all possible texts that could follow this one.

Dave lets out a quiet breath.

DAVE: okay  
DAVE: thats good  
DAVE: so why not end it?  
DAVE: like if the alternatives are you either narrating or reading a story you hate indefinitely what exactly have you got to lose  
DIRK: You really think I could just up and leave? Let all these loose ends just sit here and try to pretend that’s satisfying?  
DAVE: nah  
DAVE: like dude we havent talked that much but ive learned a few things about you over the years give me some credit  
DAVE: i think i know that youre going to fucking hate leaving it unfinished like that  
DIRK: So why try to convince me?  
DAVE: because id hate to see you trying to carry that kind of weight when you dont have to  
DAVE: take it from me on this one  
DAVE: that shit fucking sucks

Oh man. I hadn’t even noticed the parallels there. That’s… that’s kinda awesome, actually. _Almost_ makes for a competent ending. I snort in spite of myself, my lips twitching out of my poker face mask into the barest of smiles. When Dave replies, his voice is dripping with sarcasm.

DAVE: oh i see how it is  
DAVE: only time i can get dirk to smile is with my suffering  
DIRK: You know what they say about authors: we love to torture our characters. Our only source of amusement is the emotional trauma that we inflict upon them.  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: jane was right you really do commit to these bits huh  
DIRK: I’m nothing if not dedicated.  
DIRK: Though I should probably steer clear of joking about traumatising you, huh?  
DAVE: dude weve been through this youre not him  
DAVE: im getting better with that shit honestly  
DIRK: Dave, I’ve ascended. There is no barrier between me and all other Dirk Striders. In fact, it’s a misnomer to call them ‘other’ Dirk Striders when they’re all a part of the larger self that is me.

I’m not quite sure what makes me say it. Dave would have been much happier not knowing. I just… Look, if I’m going to end this story, I might as well clear up that for him. It’s not satisfying, not at all, but it’s some kind of closure, I guess?

Or, if I stop trying to justify everything in terms of narrative for one fucking minute, it feels good to get that off my chest. It feels _really_ good not to lie to him any more.

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh  
DIRK: I can understand if knowing that gives you some reservations about me. For what it’s worth, that’s probably the version of myself I’m most ashamed of.  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: Dave? Are you alright?  
DIRK: Do you need me to call Karkat?  
DAVE: oh my god not you too  
DAVE: why wont people stop going on about that  
DAVE: he isnt interested in being more than bros i dont know why people keep trying to push us on that

He’s frustrated, but there’s a hint of a smile on his lips. It’s far too early to say that he’s comfortable with me being… well, _me_ , but he’s grateful for the distraction. And he seems as curious as he is afraid, given the questions that are running through his mind.

DIRK: Firstly, I didn’t say anything about romance. You added that all by yourself, which is textbook projection if I’ve ever seen it.  
DIRK: And secondly — Dave, I hate to break it to you, but Davekat is canon.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: Karkat absolutely adores you and it’s obvious to literally everyone in every single text except for you, and you should probably talk to him about that.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: Are you okay?  
DAVE: dude ive had like ten life-changing ephiphanies today i think its safe to say im completely fucking broken and nothing makes any sense  
DAVE: are you serious about the karkat thing  
DIRK: Dave, I might be an asshole, but I would never get your hopes up like that if I wasn’t dead certain.

Dave puffs out his cheeks in defiance.

DAVE: who said i was hoping for anything  
DAVE: theres no evidence  
DAVE: you cant convict me if you cant prove it  
DAVE: do you even have a warrant for this search officer romance  
DAVE: i think not  
DIRK: Tell you what, Dave — if you promise to talk to Karkat about it, I’ll consider your suggestion of ending without wrapping things up. Does that sound like a deal?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: can you end before i have that talk  
DAVE: because i dunno man im not sure i want everyone to see that kinda thing

Yeah, that’s pretty reasonable, not that I’d have put that in the text either way. I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to Davekat — at least I’d like to think so, anyway. They may be utterly useless most of the time, but I think I can still leave them to sort themselves out, trust them to make their own choices and know it’ll work out fine in the end. In many ways, given the infinite potentiality that follows a text, it’s practically guaranteed.

Really, when you have all that to look forward to, who even needs to tie up loose ends in fanon, anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I won't take up an afterword chapter with this.
> 
> I first read the Homestuck Epilogues a few months back, with the intention of writing a fic about Epilogue!Dirk for cloudsjam's birthday, and not telling her about having read them to keep it a surprise. Of course, at the time I made that choice, I only knew a handful of things about Epilogue!Dirk: that in one Epilogue he killed himself, and in the other he was a villain, though I had _no idea_ what form that villainy would take apart from a few sneak peaks of his HS^2 outfit. Fast forward a few weeks, and I was staring at my screen in complete shock and confusion: how do I write a piece about a megalomaniac author-character? What can I say about Dirk Strider that the Epilogues hadn't? How on Earth was I meant to out-Dirk Meat? I had _no idea_ how to write a fic about this character.
> 
> And then, rather suddenly, I did.
> 
> I had been handed a once-in-a-lifetime chance to recreate for cloudsjam the shock and surprise of the Meat reveal. All I had to do (!) was spend four months pretending not to have read the Epilogues at all, while immersing myself in Epilogue content to try to get as close as I could to Dirk's thought process (fun fact: because this Dirk is younger, I'm aiming more towards the style seen in Detective Pony than we actually see in the Epilogues, and ended with a bit of a blend of the two). In cloudsjam's own words, I had to "create the character of Oh I Haven't Read The Epilogues Author" though _literal months_ of what basically amounted to IRL performance art. It culminated in my _pretending to send her my live reactions_ to the start of the Epilogues as she was reading this fic, for which I still maintain I deserve an Oscar.
> 
> I have done what I can to recreate something _like_ this experience for people reading this fic with the foreword (which in hindsight I hope everyone understands is, in fact, part of the fiction of the story and not the Author's Note chapter it pretends to be). It's obviously not quite the same experience as cloudsjam got, but I hope it's close enough to work anyway! I hope you've enjoyed this ridiculous, silly, and unnecessarily pretentious fic. I would say I look forward to writing more Homestuck fanfic, but... god _damn_ , I have spent so long formatting this for AO3. We'll have to see if I have any ideas that are worth that trauma.
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone at our Homestuck Book Club who helped me keep the secret the whole time, and helped me delay our Epilogue reading so I could pull this off properly. Special thanks to Amy for the beautiful cover art for the physical copies, and to my beta, Lauren, for helping me test the twist & catching a few typos in the last-minute rush to get this sent off to the printers. And, of course, thank you to everyone who has read and (hopefully) enjoyed this.
> 
> ~Quill Scratch
> 
> ("a hack fan"—Dirk Strider, 2021)


End file.
